No Love In This Life, No Foolishness In The Next Life

After 20 years of marriage to Harvey McCarthy, I suddenly decided it was time to end this lifeless, dull relationship.

The night before filing for divorce, I prepared a big meal. Watching Harvey mop the floor, I had the urge to remind him to be careful – there was a lipstick stain on his shirt, likely from the woman he’d been seeing.

But I didn’t say anything in the end.

Instead, I asked the question I had wanted to ask for years, “Harvey, after all this time, did you ever love me?”

He hesitated for a moment, then dodged with a response: “We’ve been together so long. Does it even matter anymore?”

Looking into his evasive eyes, I felt exhaustion wash over me. “If I could turn back time,” I told him, “I wouldn’t love you again.”

I thought of a popular quote from the internet: “He didn’t choose you because you were special. He chose you because, at the time, you were his safest option.”

The next morning, I left the divorce papers on the dining table. As I walked out, Harvey ran after me.

In the commotion, we were involved in a car accident.

I opened my eyes and realized I was back four months before the SATs.

This time, I was going to live for myself. But strangely enough, Harvey seemed to have changed.

He not only volunteered to help me with my studies but also brought me breakfast every morning. It was as if our roles had been reversed.

I gladly accepted the changes.

But when we reached college, Harvey confessed his feelings to me. Without hesitation, I turned him down. “Ever heard the saying? First thing you do after getting what you want is let go of your past.”

——

The car accident was severe, and before I lost consciousness, I heard, “One of the patients was declared dead at the scene.”

That patient was Harvey, my husband.

But when I woke up, I realized I had gone back in time – four months before the SATs. At this point, Harvey and I weren’t even together yet.

I stared at the front of the classroom, trying to process what had happened, as the teacher pounded on his desk, emphasizing the importance of discipline.

The irritable math teacher threw a piece of chalk, hitting my desk, “Miss Jones, pay attention, please.”

I immediately sat up straight. The youthful energy of my body, the warmth of school life – it wasn’t a dream. I had really been given a second chance.

This time, though, my life wouldn’t include Harvey.

I had to focus on my studies and aim for the school I had always wanted to attend. In my previous life, I had gone to a decent university, but I never made it to the one I truly desired. That regret still lingered, and I didn’t want to carry it into this life.

Harvey and I had grown up together. Our families were close, and it seemed inevitable that we would end up together.

We followed the script, getting married, but it was clear that while Harvey respected me, he didn’t love me. I had always wondered why.

For years, from childhood to adulthood, I loved him deeply. He was always so close, yet so far away.

Then I saw Harvey cheat on me with my own eyes, and I didn’t confront him.

It was then I realized that the always-distant Harvey could also be gentle and tender – for someone else. I watched as he sweetly tucked another woman’s messy hair behind her ear.

She was lively and young, looking fresh out of college, brimming with energy – like a vibrant rose that could scorch anyone who looked at her.

I couldn’t blame Harvey for being drawn to her; even I felt captivated by her charm.

When she texted me smugly, [Harvey says he doesn’t love you. You two should just divorce already,] I actually found myself envying her boldness.

From childhood, I loved Harvey. Every time he frowned, I would ache for him. After we got married, even though I knew he didn’t love me, I was content. I told myself he was just naturally aloof.

But love, or the lack of it, has a way of being cruel.

The moment I saw them passionately kiss, a thought crossed my mind: Maybe when he chose me, I was just the best of the fallback options.

I couldn’t stand it. Even after I convinced myself to go through with the divorce, I still needed to ask if he ever loved me.

That day, he came home with a lipstick stain on his shirt. I knew it was the girl’s way of taunting me, but I didn’t care – I just wanted to hear his thoughts.

But when he hesitated and evaded the question, I knew that my hope had died.

Forty years of friendship and familiarity hadn’t been enough to make him love me. So this time around, I was going to live for myself.

While he chased after his own ideal, I realized I deserved my own version of happiness too.

Our families had a deep bond, and I didn’t plan to cause any trouble. The younger generation’s relationships might be complicated, but I wouldn’t let it affect the older generation.

I turned my attention to my textbooks. Thankfully, my grades had always been decent, and now, with all the life experience I had gained, I knew I had a real chance at getting into my dream school this time.

I forced myself to calm down and focus on studying.

My seatmate noticed my change in attitude and widened her eyes. “Wow, you’re starting to work hard so early! Why didn’t you bring breakfast for your little childhood sweetheart today?”

I shook my head. “I’m not bringing him breakfast anymore. He’s got his own hands, doesn’t he?”

“Did you two have a fight?” she asked, looking incredulous.

“No,” I replied, “I’ve just decided to start focusing on myself.”

She didn’t believe me. I couldn’t blame her. For years, I treated Harvey like he was my whole world. Of course, people would doubt me.

But it wasn’t just others – back then, even I wouldn’t have believed that one day, I’d be able to let Harvey go.