I Lost Our Baby and Found Myself

In the three years I was with Adam Gilbert, he spent most of them taking care of Madison Brooks.

Whenever we had a date, Madison always had some crisis that called him away.

If she couldn't sleep at three in the morning, she needed him there too.

Adam and I fought about it more times than I could count.

And every single time, he said the same thing.

"Can't you be a little more generous? Madison's just my friend. Don't stoop to a kid's level, all right?"

Then came the day I lost the baby.

Adam had gone off with Madison again, this time to Iceland to see the northern lights.

Fighting through the pain and panic, I called him.

He picked up, and all he said was this.

"Madison needs me. We'll talk later."

While I was lying in that hospital bed, Madison's post showed up on my Instagram feed.

"My Adam took me to see the most beautiful lights in the world. I really do love him."

This time, I decided to leave.

……

I stared at the ceiling, the ache low in my belly refusing to fade.

The tears wouldn't stop.

I'd lost count of how many times this had happened.

Every time, Adam chose Madison without a second thought, and put me dead last.

He took her to the trending restaurants, did escape rooms with her, traveled with her.

There was even a time Adam and I had planned a trip to Colorado, and right before we left, Madison demanded he go with her and her alone.

In the end the two of them used the whole itinerary I'd worked so hard to put together and toured Santa Fe and Aspen instead.

I wiped my eyes and found my chest hurt worse than ever.

"Where's your family? You can't be here with no one looking after you."

The nurse beside me frowned.

I opened my mouth. My voice came out raw.

"He's with a friend. He can't come."

She looked at me with pity, then just handed me a cup of warm water.

"Get some rest."

I stayed in the hospital a week.

Long enough to be sure my body had recovered.

The day I was discharged, the woman in the next bed gave me a banana and tried to talk sense into me.

"You're still so young. There's no reason to throw your whole life away."

"You've been in here all this time and not one person came to see you. Maybe losing this baby is a blessing. It's the universe telling you to cut your losses while you still can."

I took the banana and thanked her.

Then I sent a message to Adam, whom I hadn't seen in ages.

"The wedding's off. Let's break up."

He didn't call me back until the next day.

His voice was cold.

"Why are you canceling the wedding?"

I looked at the sun, low in the distance.

"I just don't want to marry you anymore."

A trace of impatience crept into his voice.

"There's a baby on the way. Saying you want the wedding called off now, isn't that a little late?"

He had no idea what these past weeks had been like for me.

I kept my voice calm.

"There's no baby."

He went silent for two seconds, and when he spoke again, there was anger in it.

"You got rid of it?"

"You got pregnant before marriage just so you could lock down the wedding, and now you're using the baby to throw a tantrum at me?"

"Hope you and Madison have a wonderful time in Iceland."

He froze for an instant, then let out a cold scoff.

"Madison's my friend. You knew she existed from the first day we were together. Why are you throwing a fit now?"

"I don't want to be the third person standing between you two."

I heard the relief and the finality in my own voice.

"Adam, the reason Madison is your friend is that she's in love with you. Don't tell me you don't know that. But you've kept indulging her this whole time. I don't want a boyfriend who puts me last no matter what."