Another wave of dizziness hit me hard and I grabbed the edge of the table to steady myself. My memories felt strange again, blurry around the edges.

I forgot what Gideon’s laugh sounded like for a second. Then I forgot the exact way he used to hold my hand.

The panic should’ve terrified me but instead, it felt relieving.

Was this what dying slowly felt like or was this freedom?

I closed my eyes and let out a shaky breath.

I decided then. I’d endure one more month. I’d let myself completely forget Gideon Salerno before the surgery erased him for good.

I didn’t want to wake up from that operating table still loving a man who treated me like I was disposable.

One month later was supposed to be our wedding.

Funny. For Gideon, it was probably just another business alliance between powerful mafia families. For me, it would become the funeral for everything I ever felt for him.

My phone wouldn’t stop ringing after that.

Mom. Dad. Uncles. Aunts. Even old family friends from the syndicate kept calling after hearing about the scandal at the engagement banquet.

I answered every call calmly.

“I’m okay.”

“Don’t worry about me.”

“It’s not a big deal.”

My voice sounded so steady that they all became even more nervous. Nobody dared push further.

Everyone probably thought I was heartbroken beyond repair after being abandoned publicly by the future boss of the Red Bullets Mafia.

But the truth was worse.

I was forgetting him little by little. And the tumor pressing against my nerves was slowly taking my love and hatred for Gideon with it.

The penthouse became silent again after the calls ended. I took out a notebook and started writing while I could still remember things.

Mom’s favorite flowers. Dad’s birthday. The names of my childhood friends. The restaurants Grandpa liked.

Page after page filled with memories I didn’t want to lose.. But I never wrote Gideon’s name. Not even once.

Then I hung a homemade thirty day calendar on the wall beside our wedding photo.

Every day I’d tear off one page.

Every day I’d love Gideon a little less.

And when the last page disappeared...

So would he.

Another sharp wave of pain exploded through my skull. The picture frame beside the calendar suddenly fell and shattered across the floor.

I dropped to my knees with a gasp, pressing my hand against my pounding head while broken glass sliced into my finger. Blood dripped onto the photo, onto my smiling face.

In that picture, I looked so happy staring at Gideon like he was my whole world.

Gideon looked the same as always.

Cold. Untouchable. Like a king standing beside a woman he never wanted.

Back then, I told myself that was just his personality. Gideon Salerno wasn’t warm with anyone. He was raised in blood and violence and power. Men like him didn’t know how to love softly.

So I endured everything during our four years together.

His indifference. His disappearances. The coldness. The endless nights waiting alone while he handled mafia business for the Red Bullets or built Salerno Empire Holdings into a corporate monster nobody could challenge. I thought patience would eventually make him love me.

But tonight destroyed that fantasy completely.

Because when Judith called him earlier, I saw it clearly.

The panic in his eyes. The fear. The desperation.

Gideon was capable of loving someone deeply.

That someone just wasn’t me.

....

The penthouse lights suddenly turned on. I looked toward the door and saw Gideon finally coming home. His black dress shirt sleeves were rolled up and tattoos disappeared beneath the fabric. A gun rested visibly at his waist like always.

He walked in carrying a takeout bag from the restaurant Judith loved.

Our eyes met but there wasn’t a single trace of guilt on his face, not even regret.

He placed the bag on the table casually.

“Eat something,” he said flatly. “You barely touched food tonight.”

Maybe Gideon just assumed I’d forgive him no matter what he did. Maybe he thought bringing me food was already generous enough.

I slowly opened the bag. Inside was a half eaten steak. Judith’s favorite order.

I could even see lipstick marks on the wine glass packed beside it. Something twisted painfully in my chest. So this was what I’d become to him? A woman eating another woman’s leftovers while waiting alone at home like some obedient dog?

Gideon loosened his cufflinks and glanced at the broken glass on the floor.

“You’re bleeding,” he said coldly.

I looked down at my hand. “Oh,” I whispered quietly. “I didn’t notice.”

And strangely enough... I really hadn’t.

Gideon frowned the second he saw the shattered picture frame on the floor.

His sharp eyes moved to me kneeling beside the broken glass, then to the countdown calendar hanging on the wall.

“You’re the future heir of the Laureen family,” he said coldly while loosening the black gloves on his hands. “You should learn how to control your emotions better than this. Throwing a tantrum over our photos is childish.” Then he glanced at the calendar again and clicked his tongue softly.

“It’s just a wedding, Selah. Not some life changing event.” His voice turned colder. “You know I hate unnecessary formalities.”

He thought I made the calendar because I was excited to marry him.

If only he knew.

Every page hanging there was counting down to my disappearance. To the day I’d finally forget him completely. I lowered my head and quietly hummed in agreement.

“I know.”

That was all I said before continuing to clean the broken glass from the floor. Gideon stood there silently for a while.

I could feel his eyes on me.

Normally I would’ve asked him where he went. Why did he abandon me? Why did he look happier with Judith than he’d ever looked with me? But I am too tired now.

Too numb.

And maybe because my memories were already disappearing, even my heartbreak didn’t feel as sharp anymore. That seemed to unsettle him more than anger would’ve.

I noticed the slight tension in his jaw. The way his fingers flexed beside him.

For the first time in years, Gideon looked like he couldn’t read me anymore.

And somehow that made him uneasy.

After a long silence, his expression softened slightly.

Maybe he remembered everything I’d done for him over the years. The blood I cleaned for him. The sleepless nights waiting for him after mafia meetings. The way I stood beside him while he built Salerno Empire Holdings into an empire feared by everyone.

Without another word, he grabbed the first aid kit from the cabinet and crouched in front of me.

“Hold still,” he muttered.

His fingers wrapped around my hand carefully while bandaging the cut on my finger.

“Next time, be more careful. Don’t act impulsively just because you’re upset. It's pathetic.”

I stared at him blankly.

Funny.

The same man who could order executions without blinking was being gentle with my injured hand.

For a second, my chest hurt again.

I almost whispered thank you. But before I could speak, Gideon’s phone suddenly lit up.

The moment he saw the screen, his expression changed instantly. He stood up immediately and answered the call while walking toward the bathroom.

I didn’t mean to listen.

The penthouse was just too quiet.

And Gideon’s tenderness toward Judith cut through the silence like a knife slowly carving me open.

“How did you fall again?” his voice was full of concern. “Didn’t I tell you not to walk around alone?”

“Stay there. Don’t move.” I could almost picture the look on his face. “I’m coming right now.”

I lowered my eyes slowly.

When I got hurt, Gideon called me emotional and immature. When Judith stumbled somewhere, he treated her like something fragile that needed protection immediately.

The bathroom door opened moments later. Gideon was already putting his gun holster back on beneath his coat, preparing to leave.

“I need to handle some company business,” he said flatly. “I’ll be out for a while.”

Company business.

Right.

The mafia boss of the Red Bullets was apparently very busy at midnight comforting another woman.

He walked toward the door without even looking back at me. Like staying here another second would waste his time.

“Gideon.”

I called his name softly.

He stopped immediately, but when he turned around, his face was full of impatience.

“Fucking what now?” he snapped.

The look in his eyes hurt more than I expected.

My chest tightened painfully, but I still forced myself to point at the table quietly.

“Your keys.”

Gideon froze.

For the first time that night, embarrassment flickered across his face. He grabbed the car keys from the table and looked away first.

“Don’t think too much,” he said stiffly. “Since I agreed to marry you, I won’t go back on my word.”

Then he left.

The penthouse door slammed shut behind him.

I sat there quietly for a long time after that, finishing the bandage around my own hand while replaying the disgust in his eyes over and over again.

So that was how worthless I looked to him now. Strangely enough, the thought didn’t destroy me like before.

Maybe because every time Gideon hurt me, another piece of my love disappeared with it.

Maybe soon, there’d be nothing left at all.

I slowly stood up and picked the photo out of the broken frame then I threw it into the trash.

After that, I started throwing everything else away too; Couple mugs. Matching slippers. His spare ties beside my dresses. Photos. Gifts.

Every trace of Gideon inside the bridal suite disappeared one by one.

If I was going to forget him anyway, then I didn’t need reminders haunting me everywhere I looked.

Two more pages disappeared from the calendar.

But Gideon still didn’t come home.

And honestly...

I felt relieved.

My memories kept fading little by little.

Some things were already becoming blurry.

The pain from the engagement banquet. The sound of Gideon’s voice. The way he used to look at me sometimes when he was tired.

Only one memory stayed painfully clear.

Being nine years old and terrified while wild dogs chased my bicycle down the road.

Gideon running toward me without hesitation.

Funny how the cruelest people always start as someone who once saved you.

...

I spent the next few days quietly cleaning the penthouse alone. Folding clothes. Washing blood stains from the carpet. Throwing away old memories.

And waiting.

Just waiting for the month to end.

I didn’t want anything from Gideon anymore.

I just wanted to leave this city quietly before my memories disappeared completely...

Gideon wasn’t always this cold to me.

Back then, even if he didn’t smile much, there was still warmth hidden somewhere in his eyes when he looked at me.

When I got badly sick at fifteen and burned with fever for days, Gideon stayed beside my bed the whole time. I still remember waking up in the middle of the night and seeing him sitting there in black clothes with a gun tucked behind his back because he’d just come from Red Bullets business.

He touched my forehead and muttered quietly, “Hurry up and get better already. You promised we’d go watch the sunrise together.”

Another time, some boys from another mafia family cornered me outside school because they hated the Laureen family. Gideon showed up and smashed a bottle against the wall beside one of their heads.

“Touch her again,” he said coldly, “and I’ll bury every single one of you.”

Nobody dared come near me after that.

When I turned eighteen, he took me to the rooftop of Salerno Empire Holdings after midnight. The city lights looked beautiful from up there. He sat beside me quietly smoking while I leaned against his shoulder.

“You’ll stay beside me forever, right?” I asked him back then like an idiot.

He flicked ash from his cigarette and rubbed my head once. “Yeah.”

Just one word. But I believed him anyway.

We went to the same university after that. Spent almost every day together. Everyone thought we’d eventually get married.

Honestly, I thought so too. I’d already imagined becoming Gideon Salerno’s wife long before he ever asked.

Then Judith appeared.

Everything changed after that.

On Valentine’s Day during university, I went to the men’s dorm carrying homemade dessert like some stupid girl in love planning a confession.

Before I could even knock, I saw Gideon making out with Judith against the wall.

I froze right there.

And for the first time in my life, I saw Gideon look at someone with real love in his eyes.

That was the moment I understood something.

I could spend my whole life beside him and still never become the woman he truly wanted.

After that, I disappeared from his life completely. I left the country, stopped calling, stopped asking about him and stopped hoping.

Then four years ago, the Salerno family started collapsing from internal betrayal and mafia pressure. Their enemies were circling like wolves waiting to tear them apart. That was when our families forced the marriage alliance.

I came back home and saw Gideon again after years apart.

The first thing he said to me still plays in my head sometimes.

“Judith and I were never going to work out, Selah,” he said calmly while pouring himself whiskey in his office. “But I’ll try to treat you well if we get married.”

And somehow I still accepted it.

God.

Was I really that desperate for him?

I helped the Salerno family clean up their messes after that. I handled business deals, family connections, political pressure, even negotiations between mafia factions for Gideon. I stood beside him while he rebuilt the Red Bullets into something terrifying again.

And little by little, I convinced myself he was changing.

Until that phone call at the engagement banquet destroyed every fantasy I had left.

The strange thing was, the more memories I lost because of the tumor, the less it hurt.

Some parts of Gideon were already becoming blurry in my head.

And honestly... I welcomed it.

The cancer pain was horrible. Some nights it felt like something was drilling into my skull while my whole body shook from nausea.

But forgetting Gideon?

That part almost felt merciful.

I started writing in my diary every single day after that.

Mom’s laugh. Dad teaching me how to shoot. Grandpa yelling during chess games. The names of people I loved.

I wrote and wrote because I was terrified I’d wake up after surgery and not remember any of them.

There wasn’t enough time. There were too many memories slipping away too fast.

...

I was writing quietly at the dining table one night when suddenly an arm wrapped around my shoulder from behind.

I flinched so hard I shoved the person away immediately. The notebook almost fell from my hands.

When I looked up and saw Gideon standing there, his expression darkened slightly in surprise. I slowly closed my notebook and looked at him calmly. Gideon stared at me strangely like my reaction bothered him. I saw something flicker across his face. His eyes dropped to the notebook in my hands.

“I already told you before,” he said while taking off his coat, “I hate unnecessary formalities. A wedding is just a ceremony. You don’t need to write me love letters or prepare dramatic surprises and wedding vows. It will only disgust the shit out of me.”

I almost laughed.

If he knew the real surprise waiting for him on our wedding day, I wondered if he’d still sound so calm.

I smiled faintly instead. “Okay.”

That seemed to relax him.

Then he placed another takeout box on the table and pushed it toward me.

“Eat while it’s warm,” he said.

I opened the container slowly.

Steak. Again.

Probably leftovers from another dinner with Judith.

I looked up at Gideon quietly. He loosened his tie and leaned back against the counter confidently.

That was always our relationship. He hurt me then gave me scraps of kindness afterward expecting me to forgive him immediately.

I stared at the steak for a long moment before finally speaking.

“I can’t eat this.”

Gideon frowned slightly. “Why?”

“I’m allergic to beef.”

His body visibly stiffened.

“What?”

I looked at him quietly. “I’ve always been allergic to cow’s meat since kid.”

For the first time in years, Gideon actually looked shaken.

A flash of panic crossed his cold face.

“I...” He stopped talking for a second. “I didn’t know.”

Of course he didn’t. How could he? Men who truly loved someone remembered things like that.

I shook my head gently.

“It’s okay.”

Because strangely enough... I really meant it now.

Gideon looked away first.

Maybe out of guilt, he suddenly started cleaning up the food containers himself before speaking again in a lower voice.

“Come with me tomorrow,” he said. “We need to discuss the wedding details with the families.”

In the past, hearing that would’ve made me secretly happy for days. Now my heart felt completely still.

I wanted to refuse. I needed time to keep writing before my memories disappeared again. I didn’t want to waste energy pretending to be a happy bride anymore. But Gideon kept staring at me silently, waiting for an answer. In the end, I closed my notebook slowly and nodded.

“Okay.”

…

The Salerno estate felt heavier the moment I stepped inside.

Gideon’s parents welcomed me warmly, acting as if nothing had happened. As if their son hadn’t stood me up and humiliated me in front of the entire mafia circle at the engagement banquet.

His mother held my hands too tightly when she greeted me.

“Selah, you’re too thin,” she said, pushing food closer. “You need to eat more.”

His father sighed between sips of tea.

“That boy has been impossible lately. We already reprimanded him. What he did was unacceptable.”

I gave a small polite nod and ate a few bites even though I had no appetite. Across the table, Gideon sat relaxed in his chair, expression cold and unreadable.

They began discussing the bride price and wedding arrangements, voices controlled but tense underneath.

Then Gideon’s phone rang. The moment he looked at the screen, everything about him changed.

He stood up immediately.

“I’ve got urgent matters. Handle the wedding yourselves.”

His father’s tone sharpened. “Gideon, sit down! We’re discussing your marriage.”

Gideon didn’t even look at him.

“I said I’m fucking busy.”

Then he walked out. The door closed behind him and the room fell into an awkward silence.

All eyes slowly turned to me, waiting for a reaction I didn’t have. I lifted my teacup and took a slow sip. Was I supposed to feel something stronger?

I set it down carefully. His figure leaving already felt distant, like it didn’t fully belong in my memory anymore. Maybe I really won’t feel pain over him much longer.

That thought didn’t cut the way it used to.

It just… floated there.

…

Gideon didn’t come back for five days. Every day, another page of my calendar was torn away.

Tick. Tick. Tick.

Like time was quietly erasing me along with my memories. I stayed mostly in my room during that time, writing in my diary whenever I could.

Was this what dying felt like? Slow forgetting?

Without Gideon around, the house actually felt easier to breathe in. No tension in my chest. No waiting for footsteps that never made me feel safe anyway.

The Salerno family was furious with him though. I heard shouting through phone calls and servants whispering in the halls.

Their empire heir acting like this, ignoring responsibilities, ignoring me, but I didn’t care anymore.

Twenty three days left until surgery.

Time felt too slow and too fast at the same time. My headaches got worse, sharp enough that I had to start taking painkillers just to function. Sometimes I’d sit there holding my head and wonder quietly.

How much of me will still be here after this?

The only clear memory of Gideon left in my head now was him saving me when I was younger.

Nothing else stayed sharp anymore.

Then one afternoon, Mr. Salerno called me personally.

“Selah, I’m sorry about my son,” he said. “He’s been… difficult lately.”

I already understood what this really meant. They were scared. Scared the Laureen family might pull support from the Salerno Empire if this marriage fell apart. It was always politics underneath everything. Still, I knew his parents were kind people. They treated me well when I was younger. So I didn’t blame them.

“I’m okay,” I told him gently.

After the call ended, I just sat there for a while. I wasn’t angry anymore. Not even sad. Just tired. Even Gideon’s father couldn’t seem to find him lately. But I already knew where he was. Judith made sure everyone knew.

Her social media posts never stopped.

Mountaintop sunrise photos. Beach sunsets. Amusement park rides where she and Gideon sat close together. Her hand in his. Cliffside pictures where they kissed like nothing else existed.

Each post felt deliberate. Like she wanted me to see it. In the past, it would’ve destroyed me. I probably would’ve cried until I couldn’t breathe. Now I just stared at it for a few seconds and closed the app.

Childish.

That was the only word that came to mind.

Is this really what I used to fight over?

A man who could look at someone else like that while I waited at home?

I didn’t even feel jealous anymore.

Just… detached. Like he wasn’t mine to lose in the first place.

...

Days kept passing.

My diary was almost full. My hand cramped from writing too much. Outside the window, sunlight spilled into the room and warmed my face.

It felt strange.

There were only 18 pages left on the calendar.

18 days until everything ends.

I thought I should go out and see the city before the surgery.

Since coming back, my life had been nothing but Gideon, Salerno Empire, Red Bullets meetings, expectations, silence.

I didn’t even know what I liked anymore.

Apart from Grandpa, no one knew about my surgery.

I didn’t want my parents to worry. I stood in front of the mirror and barely recognized myself. I quickly fixed my hair, grabbed my coat, and headed out. Maybe I just needed air. Maybe I just needed to feel like I was still alive.

But the moment I stepped outside the building, I bumped into someone solid.

I looked up.

Gideon.

He pushed past me slightly like I was in the way and walked inside.

“I thought you were so forgiving,” he said, not even looking back. “Didn’t expect you to complain to my parents.”