"So you'll go-see?"

She flung herself on the sofa and lifted up the big T-shirt my sister owned, I saw her red underwear. Seriously? I'm so use seeing her like this every time she visits us here in our flat. My brother is not used though.

"No. I'll get the copy of my Editorial in NY Management."

"I thought you had another, again. You've been beaten at work for a few months, Cy."

I zipped my Suede knee high Boots. I adjust the belt on the waist part of my over sized knitted sweater.

"Working your ass off again."

"Last 2 Editorials ... and catalog."

She stared at me because I knew he didn’t believe me.

"Promise." She hissed.

"That's the same line you said last time I came here."

I got my chain bag in the high stool and I looked again at my appearance in the mirror. I have to exhaust everything. If I got enough money to pursue last year of my college and and buy my own unit then I'll settle. It would be enough if I could work in a company through the profession I want.

Lourd? He has his own plans. We even argued a few times about things. I know Lucy and him have plans to settle eventually, they're right of age and I don't want to hinder them both. They've waited almost half of their life so it'll be my happiness if they own find their way for each other. But this is not my brother’s word of mouth to me. Lucy bombed out a laughter and I got so shocked with it. What's wrong with her? Too much sugar intake? He quickly sat down again and laid his face on the backrest of the sofa.

"This is unusual. You're gonna walk the streets of New York with that outfit?"

"W-why? What's wrong?"

I glanced at myself and was nervous. I'm never good at styling myself. I'm used wearing comfortable clothes, it just happened that I need to dress my self a little bit 'cause camera will be all over the place. Now my Editorial Magazine is out so for sure paparazzi will be everywhere sticking their noses at me. I don't have my body guards, and my manager is in the company waiting for me.That means I'll have to drive alone.

"Nothing is wrong Cyreese. I am seeing you wrong. The paparazzi and tabloids are celebrating you again."

My shoulder dropped at what he said. It will be 4 years in 2 months of being in this industry and I'm still not used in this limelight I've entered in. It was the substitute for everything I desired.

"I know. I don't want to wear this though."

She chuckled and finally approached me. She fixed the buckle of my belt and beat my legs.

"Aww."

"Flaunt your ass. It's only a year and you'll be leaving New York. Might as well give them a proper good bye. Duh ~ Gossips and stuff."

I was shaken by what Lucy was saying. Since his childhood, this has been the world he has come to know. He has mastered almost every system, and he is numb to every issue that will go through his life. I'm not. And I will never be used too it. "

How's Justine?"

Her eyebrows furrowed with meaning. The smirk on her lips is naughty so I turned my back on her. Are we here again?

"Justine and I are just friends, Lucy."

"Friends? After years of impressing you, still friends?"

I never asked him to impress me. I just spoke to myself.

"Are you sure you don't want to extend your contract? When you boom here in New York then you will say bye."

"I want to pursue my -"

"Studies. Yes. Of course."

She shrugged and raised her hands in the air as a sign of surrender.

"Study my ass."

She whispered at the end and just shook me. I still have a year to strive. The situation over the past two years has been very critical. Tons of projects in and out of my work and studies. So my 4 year contract is about to end. I want to focus on last year because that is the reason for all this.

"How are you two?"

Her mouth was covered and there seemed to be no answer to what I said. I frowned at his reaction.

"You guys fought again?"

I haven’t been here in the apartment for a few weeks because of the out of town photoshoot I did, so I don’t know if anything happened here while I was away. I haven't met Lourd since I got home. Only he alone.

"Nah, you're brother is just ... being weird. What time will you be home? That'll ask about you."

When he changes the subject immediately. Maybe they have another fight. I left her at the apartment and went to work.

"Would you like some beverage Ms. Suarez?"

I turned to a clerk here at the company.

"Yes please." I smiled.

"The possible circulation of those copy will be higher than the usual. We're also producing copies around Asia."

"What?"

My eyes widened at what he said. I forget the language I just borrowed.

"I mean, Asia? But we used to reach beyond circulation even though we focused on selling those in the west."

She was all smiling but I'm too shocked to comprehend. This is too much. They told me it was a big project but I didn't think it would reach the other side of the world. Several more talks were opened with some of the company’s executives. They were asking about my renewal of contract and other aspects. My answer is the same at first. I'll stick to my original plan. I have unfinished business left on my own, I think it's about time to focus on that.

"Ms. Suarez, From Mr. Bailey."

I looked at the black box with a perfectly arranged red roses. I almost wiped my face at what I saw. What is this? "

Where is he?"

I chased the clerk before he left.

"In the R&D Deparment Miss."

"Thank you."

I look constipated looking at the flowers left in the coffee table.

"That's so sweet of Justine. How's your relationship with him?"

I almost breathed my forced laugh.

"No ma'am, we're just friends."

"Oh? Really? He's been consistent since day one I thought ..."

The smile I gave here was raw. Everybody thinks of that, what else is new? How many times did I explained the truth to them? I've lost my count.

"Ma'am, She's with Lourd Vidalio isn't she?"

My ear pricked up at the whisper of his assistant. If there's one thing I'm not use hearing about, it's this. Gossips like me and my brother living under the same roof are seldom to pass by. That I would have a relationship with my own brother. I should not be affected by that mere thing 'cause what they think is way-way more different from the truth. But I can't help it. If it's about my brother and my personal life, I just can't help it.

"Thank you for your time Ma'am, But I got some errands to do so ..."

"Oh yes, Congratulations Ms. Suarez."

I thanked everybody, I was going to lift the flower box in front of me but one of my bodyguards lifted it. Don't ask me. I also thought they were gone now. My manager is not here and left a body guard here. That's good and it's just one. I walked down the long hallway to go to the R&D Department.

My body guard drove for me all the way to the university. I just submitted the floor plan which I also gave a few weeks of time and time. I combined both shoots and vigil just after that.

I breathed a sigh of relief when my prof accepted that. I fully expected him to decline it because of my one week grace period. As much as I wanted to be treated fairly I had no choice but to ask for this privilege because my schedule could not afford it.

"Uhm, can you please drop me by the cafe. Thanks."

I dialed my manager's number who's apparently Lourd's manager too. I apologize for being late but she's cool with it.

"I'm really sorry. I still passed my last requirement at Univ."

He seemed to ignore what I said and apparently just greeted me to kiss my cheek.

"My very own Cyreese Suarez! Congratulations!"

I smiled looking at her. I was embarrassed at the attention I received from someone else in the cafe for declaring my name. Some started to take some photos, I'm not used to it yet.

"And now you're towering Asia!" She exclaimed.

I breathed a deep sigh.That's what I wanted to clarify.

"I didn't know that the contract I signed includes production in Asia, Tita Matilda."

In the amount of shoot I’ve done these past few months I didn’t realize the client’s weird contract turned out to be what he was signing with me. It's her Job to inform me but she didn't mention anything.

From the very executive of NYM came. It’s embarrassing that I was even surprised when I knew I should be getting the job I was getting. He stopped at what I said and slowly sipped his coffee.

"Darling, I'm sure that won't make any noise in the Philippines."

"But still aunt, you know how much I wanted to erase my name into their issues. I know I'm not their target but what about my brother? He's been through so much already. I don't want to be the reason he's broken like that again. gradually cooling and his name is there. "

Lourd is a very well known public image in the Philippines. Since everything happened that day a big noise and wave was made then not only in his personal life but in his whole family. My brother have suffered for how many months clearing his name into the public.

He sacrificed his own free will just to protect the family he grew up with and loved. But seeing him all through that moments was a pain to me. He tends to look so strong but I know deep inside he's unwell. It was not right for him to let everyone know that he had turned his back on his family even though his mother had vomited him up. Our first year here in NYC was not easy.

We've both dealt with our own miserable knots. I'm busy healing while he focused on me so much when I know he's deeply wounded too. If I was utterly wounded by the truths that came to my mind that night, what else is he who has long forced himself into a lie even though he knows the truth.

He never think of himself. He never acknowledge his pain and failures instead he help me cope up. He's the only person I can trust. There's no way I can fill a space in my heart for a love I thought was true yet it was just full of lies. It all just happened because I allowed it. And now I don't want to loose my brother just because of my own egocentric.

So I won’t let all my brother’s suffering go for nothing. I badly wanted to forget anything from the past and have a fresh star with him and Lucy who happened to be my family now. If my name makes a noise, his name will definitely be involved again and I don't want to get to that point.

"As long as you maintain a good scandal in that span of your promotion there's nothing to worry about Darling. And for all I know, there you are great. Keeping your image clean."

I breathed a deep sigh.

"In a few months Cyreese, your contract will end. If there is no problem you can easily get all your cards and say good bye. So if you don't want what you fear to happen, better behave and trust your management. Hmkay?"

She fixed the parting of my hair with the comfort he did. For some reason, my heart was not at peace with what he said. I don't know if I'm just bothered or I don't really have a good feeling about it.

"Oh, he's here."

I looked in the direction he was staring and I saw my brother. I smiled but his expression remained grim. It approached me and kissed the top of my forehead. The cafe was noisy because of the rumor that happened. I saw how he looked badly at the people there before he sat down next to me. I grabbed her arm and her expression immediately softened.

"Lourd, chill. You know those people are just bugs who are thirsty for another gossip.

"Should we plan about your contract renewal?"

Lourd leaned over and toyed with his key on the table.

"Ava's not gonna do it so ..."

My eyes narrowed confusedly looking at him.

"What? Lourd, no. We haven't talked about this yet? I can manage on my own. You can just focus on yourself, to Lucy, to both of you!"

Tita Matilda just sneezed at the way it looked. She's aware, she's been taking care of it for a long time.

"We won't argue about this again Ava."

"Cyreese,” I corrected him.

---

Tita Matilda:

Cyreese Suarez! Check this.

My forehead frowned. What is wrong this time? I click the link he gave me and it barely loads on my cellphone screen due to the successive explosion of my notifications on social media.

What the hell is happening? I was overwhelmed and amazed at what Lucy was doing. There's this unknown nervousness and crazy beat inside my chest as I wait for the page to load. Is this something bad?

Lucy sniffed when she saw I was an idiot. He sat with me and leaned on my shoulder, his exact look at the screen of my cellphone was the appearance of an article from Aunt Matilda's message.

"What. The. Fuck !?"

Lucy shrieked out of horror for me. He seemed to utter the content of my mind, while I seemed to have my tongue cut out because of what I had read. Coldness dripped on my face, my soul seemed to escape me. The door of my room popped and then my sister spat as if in a hurry because of the screaming Lucy made.

"What happened?"

"Scandal ?! Sex video? Really, Ava Cyreese Suarez?"

My mouth hanged open while gently shaking Lucy. Hindi can believe what I read, I didn't stop as if when i shake that I can also tell the whole world that not everything is true. 

"No! She's not coming back!"

Lucy grabbed my sister’s arm when it showed strong opposition to Aunt Matilda’s decision.

"Hijo, if you want to go in your way..."

She gripped his cellphone and threw it on the table. I swallowed the lump in my throat. What is this mess again?

"You answered the eternal call there on my phone!"

Lourd's lips parted and he stood up and turned his back on us. He rubbed his nape, suppressing anger. I found Lucy's confused eyes. I bit my lip.

"Lourd, maybe we should follow Aunt Matilda."

"And what? You got bitten by that issue? Coming back to the Philippines will just fuel the fire! You will just look defensive because you went back there to cover your name!"

My eyes begged him to calm down. He seemed to have a hard time seeing my eyes.

"She will not cover her name Lourd, she will come back to the Philippines because that is the company's order."

Even Matilda. I nodded in agreement. He keeps on jumping into conclusions so here is the warmth of his head again.

"Babe you knew she needed to follow the company. Her contract hasn't ended yet."

 His condolences here.

"Then fucking end that contract!"

His voice thundered and I closed my eyes firmly there. My heart skipped a bit. Tita Matilda's phone that kept ringing made the situation worse.

"Do you hear yourself Lourd? Ava is one of the highest paid models today, she can't just make stupid decisions!"

Aunt Matilda grabbed his penis and picked up her phone to answer it. He got up and went to the kitchen.

"Lourd, I t-think I really need to go back."

He hopelessly shook his head. He put both his hands on the back of the sofa.

"What the fuck is that scandal Ava?"

"N-no! It's not me!"

Don't tell me he believed that?

"But I saw it! The posture and the hair as well as the shape of the body are just like you!"

My mouth hanged opened, so he really did think that was true?

"There's also this picture of you Ava with that guy, and it's really your face in the picture. It's dark but I can still see your face and you're wearing that gown you wore in -"

I picked up my cellphone and clicked on the link sent by aunt Matilda. There I saw some unbelievable article with a video that I could no longer afford to watch as well as a few photos.

It's ... It's really me. That's me! My face was clearly visible as I leaned against the wall and a man surrounded me. In the next photo, I can't see my face anymore because the man's head is already covered, which makes it look like we're kissing. I was breathing fast along with the trembling of my hand. This is Jomar. This is the night in Mar De Vena high and we have this Graduation ball. I remember it!

"This is ... me."

It came from me but even I couldn't believe it. Lucy sighed but Lourd's expression was helpful and seemed incredulous.

 "I m-mean ... I'm the one in the picture. But I haven't had any scandal! For godess sake, Lourd!"

I rubbed my forehead and sank into my arms. I cried at what was happening. I was afraid that this issue was already making noise in the Philippines, but that fear was not for me. I was afraid for my brother, everything would be wasted of his suffering for nothing. He's okay now, we're okay now and now just because of one picture will mess everything up again. The next days were crucial. I had to finish my last projects with all the noise. Everywhere I go, medias are everywhere and over time I am choking. I answer Aunt Matilda's call.

"I booked your ticket. I will also take care of your university. For now let's focus on our deadline. When we arrive in the Philippines, we will take care of everything."

I fell silent and stare at myself at the mirror. Am I really coming back?

"Yes tita, thank you."

I wore denim in the last batch of the catalog. This is my last shoot in New York. And after, reality will hit me hard as soon as I stepped into the Philippines. I accept their decision, if they remove the contract it's okay, I'm in my last year of college and I think I have enough savings for that.

The information about my return here is hidden, I don't know how the company and aunt Matilda took steps to make my return home so peaceful. I'm on the right company, it's just embarrassing that I'll leave them with shame.

When we left Mar De Vena we only stayed here a week then we left for New York. I didn't even have time to marvel at the beauty of Manila that I used to only see on television. I used to think this city was beautiful, because of the buildings I always adore, the city lights I've always wondered but not yet. New York was beyond it.

My arrival didn’t create noise, no headlines, no articles and all. I don't know how I'll deal my life if the news spreads out all over. I arranged some paperwork given to me by Tita Matilda, I don't know how she arranged everything and I transferred so fast even though I still have a year to finish. I just need to find an internship here and attend a few classes at the university I attended as an irregular student and it’s all set. I'm gonna take the review and get my license.

This is the power of money, I thought then that if I just study and have my own principles everything will be easy but that is not what life has taught me.

Hard as it is to admit, it is easier for privileged people to deal with day-to-day, while others still have to reach both ends just to get what they want. Or worst, they won’t even get it, it will stay as an illusion.

"Yes tita, I'm running some errands today. Do you mind if you can email the address of some companies that I can coordinate with regarding the internship?"

"Oh yes, of course."

The email popped out. I wondered.

"It's only one address tita .."

"Uhm yes! That's the only company who can handle an intern professionally. The others who recommended me have dirty management so that's all I'll give you."

I nodded and read the address. I'm still not familiar with Manila. It's also a good thing not having a car because for sure I might not be able to use it anyway. I'll just book a car service to make things easier.

I read the schedule given to me and that wasn’t that bad. I have to attend class once a week. I would have liked to be a regular student but it is unclear what will happen because big adjustments will be made.

The curriculum is different in other countries and here so maybe I won't base too much on that. The most important thing is to finish my last year together with the internship.  

There is nothing wrong with the chaos of Manila and the chaos of New York. That's the charm of the city, isn't it ironic how you find peace in a chaotic place? The tranquility provided by the city is different. After a long day you'll feel that life hasn't ended yet, you feel worn out. The night doesn’t seem to end, but somehow you’ve still managed to have a good rest and peace of mind.

"I have an appointment. Cyreese Suarez."

I smiled to the woman in corporate. She smiled but when she read my name to my ID she lost her smile and turned to me. They looked at another woman and they made a meaningful look at each other. I gulped due to nervousness.

"Can you wait for minutes ma'am? I'll just call it up." "Of course. Thank you." It stopped me from ignoring me and spoke to the intercom. A few seconds after he spoke he turned to me. "You can proceed to the 40th floor ma'am." It reached my ID. I thanked her and before I turned in the elevator I saw her and her desk companion whispering again. Now, that's uncomfortable.

I got to the 40th floor and compared to the floor I came from before, the people here are more frugal, almost free and not that spacious. There was just a long passage with some scaffolding decors around some places and it was more formal to see the people here. I went to a desk similar to the one before. There was a woman in uniform so I asked her.

"I'm here for an appointment. Internship-" "This way ma'am, let me fill you with some drink while you wait. Mr. President is still on a meeting." President? Isn’t all I need to talk to is the Manager or even just HR? Before I was finished he left and guided me to a place where there were small tables and soft furniture. I would have asked him more but it was like a robot just left in front of me.

I read my lower lip as I leaned back on the soft single sofa. I felt my eyes bulge due to drowsiness, I didn’t immediately fall asleep last night. I was still adjusting my sleeping time. I even had to draw things just to sleep. I lifted the pinched hem of my corporate cream formal long sleeve, the same as the loose high waist short at my waist. Just a simple black embroided spaghetti top was inside of my corporate. My straight and long hair is loose.

I didn't even have time to groom myself. And at least I've managed to wear my black talons even if I'm just forced to. I prefer flats but these are the only formal shoes I carry. It hurts the eyes if I pair doll shoes or sneakers here. I remember Lucy again, she used to help me with my outfits.

Next to me are the wide mirrors. The busy city is clearly visible here. The Philippines is very different. The woman came and dropped it a tall glass with only iced tea. I kept looking back at the desk to see if I would be called but still nothing. Someone came out, that man at a glass door and imagined.

I was called but for a few minutes I was still not called. I tried to take a peek inside from the seat because it had a view of the surrounding glass of that room but I couldn't really see anything because those mirrors were tinted. After minutes of waiting I got bored, I checked my phone to entertain myself.

As soon as I left New York, I already turned off my social media accounts because it wouldn’t help if I could see people’s hefty issue with me. What's the news? New York already knew that I had to clean it to go to the Philippines. I was tempted to open my notifications but I manage to stop myself. Some message from Lourd, Justine and many more are left unread. I read them and filled in.

Justine: How's Philippines?

Me: It's OK.

Lourd: Damn paparazzi.

I chuckled. I was unable to reply to it. He must be fighting them again. This impatient man. Tsk. I was about to hang up the phone when Lucy's message popped out.

Lucy: Guess what?

I typed quickly in his enticing text.

Me: What?

Lucy: I ate chocolate.

My forehead furrowed. This woman!

Me: Lucy please ...

Where is the older brother? Why is he eating chocolates?

Lucy: Kidding. I miss you girl. My shoulder loosened when I read his text.

I smiled. Why does she sound so bored without me around? When in fact my life is so boring without her.

Me: Stop eating chocolates. I miss you too. Before I could send it, the intercom rang. My attention is on the lady in corporate now, wanting her to call me. I sent the text to Lucy and when I looked back she called me.

All smiling, I immediately put the cellphone in the bag. I got up and approached the door, I thanked the woman before entering. I looked around even though I hadn't entered the prose yet. Compared to its appearance on the outside, it has a wider interior.

The combination is a mixture of darkness and light. I narrowed my eyes because of the blur of my vision. I did not wear my lenses because my eyes are hurting due to lack of sleep. I also want to rest it. I entered completely and when I entered I saw more of the surroundings. I saw a man's posture leaning with his back in front of the table.

My breath hitched. Fvck. I almost took my breath away at what I saw. My knees trembled even as my hand clung tightly to the bag. I don't understand. Why is he here? This is not Vidalio Group of Hotels.

Why is he here? I can't ... no, I didn't expect this one coming. He's standing there looking so cocky with his gray long sleeves folded till his elbows, slacks ... his arms.

Damn. With his cold and dark expression. Four years, if I say nothing has changed in him is a big lie. I feel like he's way more taller now and his body became bulky than it used to be before. His hair is still looking so clean with it's cut but its style is different than before.

It's longer but still clean looking. My throat went dry and I blinked repeatedly. I never knew that this day will come, I'm not ready for this. I was never ready for this! Why didn’t I think of all this? The side of his lips rose.

"You might want to take a seat, Ms. Suarez." I think I swallowed my tongue and it was as if no more words wanted to come out of my mouth. His eyes are dangerous and his brows are furrowed, they're cold but I see irony in them. Fold it and let's get organized. Both of his hands are in his pocket now looking so proud standing there while I can't even imagine myself in his eyes right now.

How can he looked at me when I can't even met his eyes? He chuckled. He turned his back on me and circled in his chair. What will I do? Am I leaving? Say I just got the place wrong? But I had an appointment.

Why am I meeting him anyway !? I saw a raw grin on him. Strange heat rose to my cheek when I saw his eyes traverse me from head to toe. Fury and not of anything else. Damn him. I can't just run to this. He is the one who is behind me so why would I run? 

I do not know what to do. With trembling legs I went to the front of his desk. I can feel him staring at me, my heart won't stop beating wildly. I don’t know if I’m going to continue this or I’m going home. I gulped the lump on my throat. This life is fucked up anyway, let me just deal with this. I sat up straight as I bravely looked into his eyes as if I was unaffected. I have no other idea how dangerous they are. His jaw are sharp the stables are on it.

He's matured before but he looks more mature now. His lips twitched and raised his eyebrows as if he was waiting for me to say something.

"I ... uhm ..."

My voice can't stop stuttering. Why am I being like this? I saw him glance at his wristwatch and part my lips there. Okay ...

"Your people have brought me here. If you're busy then might as well send me to your HR so I can properly deal my concerns."

I saw him stop at what I said as I kept my gaze on his watch. The edge of his lip lifted again and he leaned back in his large swivel chair.

"Go on. I'm all ears." I rolled my eyes in disbelief. The nerve of this man. Really Tita Matilda? Treat their intern professionally? Says who?

"I want to apply a-as an intern." I tried so hard. Its head tilted as if confused by what I was saying.

"Intern? Sale Representative or ..." He couldn't continue.

"Architectural."

Lazy amazement was the reaction he gave me. I stared at him intently as his eyes went straight to the papers in front of him. He's looking so bored dealing with me. My blood boiled when I saw that reaction. What does he think of me? While living model? He looked at the papers in front of him and reached for his pen, the friction of the pen was the only noise. Didn't he hear me? Many things have changed in him, but for some reasons I cannot pinpoint what those are. If his aura used to be cold and dark now it is even worse. His built look so tight with that long sleeve hugging his body.

He wrote a few pages of paper and I still didn't hear anything. I look stupid in front of him. Did I made an appointment just to watch him scribble on those papers?

"Have you not heard me, Mr. Vidalio?"

His signature was left on the air and did not continue. He slowly rotated the ball pen and laid it on his clean table. He loosened the neck tie he was wearing and stood up. His shadow covered the bright city behind him. My heart beat went violent. He laid his two hands on the table and now my tongue seemed to retreat from the coldness of his gaze on me.

"Loud and clear, Ms. Suarez."

It was almost like a whisper. He turned his back on me and faced the city in the wide mirror of his office. I badly wanted to get out. Just a touch of my patience and I'll run out. Damn the internship!

"I don't know if we have an available-"

"Then I'm leaving."

I quickly stood up and grabbed my bag and turned to leave.

"Isn't that too unprofessional for a future Architect in the making?"

I almost broke my teeth at the pressure I felt. The tone of his voice was sarcastic and my head grew hotter. I faced him again and saw him approaching me. Anyone will probably fake the smile I gave to him so I hope he can get it.

"Thank you for your time Mr. Vidalio, it's my pleasure to leave."

He cocked his head when stopped going near me. Even from a distance I could smell her perfume. The familiar scent of him. It was as if I had suddenly forgotten my anger just now

. "We're not yet done talking.

" "We are. So if you'll excuse me."

I would have turned my back again when he came closer to me. I was taken a back. Now there is no denying, his scent was still the same as before. I restrained myself from revealing that I was affected by him.

"We are never done."

He clenched his jaw. Her eyes grew darker. My pupils have lost its focused and my heart shuttered into pieces looking at his deep brown eyes. I could clearly see the change in emotion in his eyes. I saw a mixture of pain, anger and sadness here. I tried to deny it but that's really what I see. I was exhausted to see them. I seem to want to give everything up to him now.

"What am I gonna do here then? I'm not going to get anything out of it."

I answered with all might even though I knew he was referring differently to what he said.

"We do have, let me settle it with my secretary-"

"Then I'll just come back."

I turned away in great fear of being able to start a conversation with him. But before I could take a step his rough hand covered my wrist. His eyes are cold. I can't see anything but coldness and nothing more. My heart fluttered and shattered in pain at the same time. Why do I feel like I'm the one at fault? Why does it seem like I still have to feel guilty when he has to explain it to me? My eyes heated upon seeing him this close, all the memories of him left in me playback and stung like hell.

The pain I’ve felt since I chose to leave everything as if nothing had happened seems like I regret now seeing her eyes like this. In the past 4 years I dare not to hear anything from him, I have been forced to go deaf and blind. I never checked his social media accounts, I didn't even tried to search any article of him. Even occasionally I hear his name. I chose to ignore and go on as if I didn't meet him in my whole life. But now that he is so close to me my own feelings are degrading me. I can't pretend, my heart is angry but it's even more annoying that after all I still feel this way for him.

The former myself who was willing to follow everything he wanted until it reached surrender returns. And that's not what I wanted this to be. I've been denying this the whole time, this is one of the things I dread when I come back here. Half heartedly, I came back here. Not because I want to fix my issues, but a part of me is still hoping for this moment to come. But the reality is I was never prepared for this kind of encounter. Because if I had told myself I was ready I would not have felt this way.

I'm ready if I'm numb, and clearly that's not how I feel right now. I used to be brave, or I wasn't really brave either. I was just pretending to be, because I'm afraid he might see my real emotions and feelings. He stared at my eyes and it was like taking a glimpse of my soul. I can see how his cold eyes turned a bit shock and blood shot. His lips parted and the words he tried seemed to be left in the air he would say. As much as I wanted to ask how is he, I can't.

I’m trying to battle myself with my heart, my heart repeatedly reminding me that the wound this man left on me is huge. How is she? He's of age, maybe he has a girlfriend or maybe he's already married. A cold steel cut my chest realizing what I just thought. If that's true, he's fine with me, he looks well and healthy, I can just see that he's fine with me. His grip on my wrist loosened and he didn't seem to know what to do. I averted my gaze from him and quickly wiped away the fugitive and treacherous tears.

"U-uhm, sorry for the inconvenience. If there's no available slot then I think I'll just go."

My voice was shaking and I couldn’t help but look at him now following my movements.

"We do. My secretary can settle that matter." I nodded, not to myself. The marble floor in his office was my focus, not knowing what to say next. Can I just refuse and say I will look for someone else? But that'll be rude, I'll just agree, when I come back I'll look for another company, the one without him.

"Email me your-" I looked up at him as he stopped. He looked up and read her lower lip. I gulped, I averted my gaze again.

"Give me your number."

"Huh?"

"So we can ... update you about your application."

"Just contact m-my manager."

"Is he the intern?"

I stopped at his cold tone. None of myself nodded again, not knowing how I was going to give him what he was asking for. I just want to get out of this situation and get stuck. He took his cellphone out of his pocket and handed it to me. My hand are still shaking and an unfamiliar cold is running inside my stomach. My own soul had fled from me.

I typed my number and his phone and I made a mistake as if I didn't memorize it. I'm just so nervous knowing that he's looking at me, tracing all my flaws. He didn’t speak when I handed him the phone back and he just kept looking at the number and pressing what was there.

"I'll go now. T-thank you." It nodded.

"I'll call you." I glanced at him questioning his statement. Her lips twitched.

"For the internship ..."

My lips parted at what he said. Yeah right, what else is the reason for him calling?

"Y-yeah."

I nodded and stormed out.