Loath

Days passed like a blur.

It's been weeks since something happened between Claus and me, and all I did was reminisce every bit of it like it just happened yesterday. I can't seem to forget it.

I badly want to talk to Claus. But...what if he doesn't remember, right? Because he was too drunk that night, and I doubt if he can remember every piece of what happened to us.

Shit!

I'm going crazy! I don't know what to do anymore, and I feel like I can't face my twin just the same, knowing that I had sex with her fiancee!

"Tomorrow will be a busy day, Trin. We have a tight schedule, so it's better if you rest first."

I sighed. "It's okay, Miya. I'm used to it."

"No. You're going to go home to your condo early and rest. I don't want you to be in the middle of the shoot and space out like a mad girl again. " I sighed again. I didn't complain anymore because I felt like I didn't have enough energy to fight with this girl. She's as hardheaded as me.

The service van brought me to my condo. I didn't bring my car because Miya didn't want to let me drive. She said that I should avoid driving for now, especially since I've been spacing out a lot these past few days.

I know that she feels it already. She could smell something wrong, but she never forced me to talk about it. And that's one of the reasons why I like her. She just waits until I feel comfortable spitting up the things that are bothering me.

When I arrived, I immediately got off the van after thanking the driver. I was glad that it wasn't a long drive at all.

I returned a small smile to those who greeted me as I entered. I can't seem to smile genuinely, especially when I'm thinking a lot.

I entered my condo's passcode before going inside.

The familiar feeling of 'home' hit me. Ever since I decided to live on my own, this has been the witness of my silent battles. I am alone, but this is what I call home. Because I never felt welcome in our house back then. I feel like I was a prisoner...with no chance to escape, and I can't help but be thankful that I already did it. I escaped with my help of myself.

My eyes slowly drifted to the living room.

I let out a gasp of surprise when I saw someone sitting on my single sofa. My heart thumped loudly inside as I made my way to him. He was just staring at me coldly. Like, I was nothing but a stranger in his eyes.

I felt bitter.

Stranger. Yes. That's what we are now.

"C-Claus, it's a surprise to see you here." How did you know my passcode? I want to add, but I stopped myself. Of course, he has ways. He always has ways.

"N-did you wait for too long? U-uhm, w-what do you want? Coffee or—"

"Nothing." He spat out coldly, cutting my sentence off. I swallowed and smiled slightly at him. "Tell me, did something happen between us in this filthy place?" I blinked a few times and backed away slightly. He spat out those words like he was disgusted to be even here...or more like, disgusted of me.

I got even weaker.

"Answer me, b-tch!" I closed my eyes tightly when I heard his loud, angry shout. He stood up from his seat as if he was ready to attack me if I answered him wrongly.

B-tch...

I laughed inwardly inside my head. I should get used to it. I should get used to that word because he's not the first person to call me that at all. But why is that? The pain is tripled when he's the one saying it.

"Answer me before I do anything to you!" I gasped for air. He will not think twice now about hurting me!

"Y-yes...S-something happened between us." I tried to act bravely and spoke to him while staring into his ash-gray eyes, but I couldn't handle it. All I can see is his eyes are pure disgust and anger towards me.

He violently kicked the coffee table in front. His eyes were coated with so much loath as he looked at me. "How did I end up here?! Did you drug me, huh?!" He shouted angrily and rushed to come in front of me. I screamed painfully when he held my collar.

He is really going to hurt me! And that fucking hurts me even more! The fact that he's willing to hurt me physically feels like trash.

"You took advantage of my drunken state! I loathe you more for doing this shit to me!" He screamed in my face. I couldn't do anything but look down while crying. I didn't even realize I was already crying until he lifted me up a bit, holding my collar like his dear life depended on it.

I tried to pry his hands away, but he was too strong. So, I just let him. I let him do the things that he wanted to do even though I knew that I didn't deserve it at all.

"You know I am in a relationship with your twin." He let go of me violently. With no strength enough for me to stand up, I collapsed on the floor.

I saw him kick my sofa angrily.

"If Beatriz finds out about this and our relationship will go down because of you, you will regret this, Beautrin. Just wrap yourself up with your own coffin now because I will not forgive you if Beatriz finds out!"

I cried even more. I cried not because of how he can physically hurt me for my twin, but because of the fact that it's really gone...

He really has no love left for me... Not even a little bit. I wished for a little...but I fell hard because he doesn't feel anything to me now. I am no one but a twin sister of his lover.

"I f-cking loath you! Don't ever show your face to me ever again! Just please, Beautrin. Don't disturb Beatriz and me because no matter what happens...I will never come back to you."

Ring

"Your mother called," Miya showed me her phone. I raised my brow at her. "You're coming to the dinner later? With your family and the Monteserios?"

Montessori.

I shook my head. There's no way in hell that I will dine with that family.

"Tell her I'm busy." I coldly said. Miya doubtfully looked at me. I know she is confused as to why I declined the invitation.

"Are you sure?" She taunted with a grimace on her face. Clearly not sure of what I said. She knows that I am a slave to my own parents.

I sighed and nodded before lying on my bed. I took a break from work. I don't know how long it should be, but I know that this would really take longer. Or I can't even call this a break. I just want to rest.

"It's your Mom, Trin," Miya said while looking at me. I just raised my brow again. And if it's Mom? What should I do? Nothing. I don't want to face any of them because I don't want to be more stressed.

They will invite me for dinner and what? Embarrass me in front of everyone. They will roast me to death. They will definitely talk about how I am so different from my twin, how I am a huge disappointment to everyone, and such. I'm sick of listening to the same old song if they try to play it again, better not when I'm around.

If I was the old me, I would have wanted to have dinner with them because I wanted to make them 'proud.' Well, that was it. Apparently, it's different now because I'm tired. I'm tired of pleasing other people. I'm tired of trying so hard to be noticed by them and hoping that they'll be able to see my achievements and all. I'm tired. This time, this is for real. I don't want to be involved with them. I am completely shutting them down. I won't recognize any family, especially since, from the very beginning, they didn't consider me as a part of them their family. I was unwanted, and now I refuse to be wanted. Let them take care of their own lives and talk shit about it. For all I care.

"Why are you crying?!" Miya rushed to my side. She quickly inspected my whole body as if she was looking for something that hurt me to be crying like this.

Stupid.

My heart hurts. No one can see how shattered my heart is right now because I am too good at playing to pretend.

"Beautrin, what the f-ck?!" Miya shouted loudly as I began to sob while holding the hemn of her shirt tightly like my life depended on it.

"It hurts. It hurts so much, Miya..." I cried.

Miya softened her gaze and hugged me. She gently caressed my back. "Shush, where does it hurt? Who hurt our Trin, hmm?" She said softly as she continued stroking my hair.

"I-I want to go there..." I whispered painfully. I want to be with my family. I want to feel them, and I want to feel that they're on my side. It's just... It's just that I'm sick too. So sick of being with them... But I am sicker to assume that they'll be able to accept me as part of them.

"Then, why don't you go, hm?" Miya asked gently.

"B-because it hurts... M-my heart hurts. T-they hurt me... M-my heart hurts whenever I see them, but I still want to be with them even though I'm hurting and breaking..." I sobbed. I heard Miya sigh while hugging me.

She knows how bad my relationship is with my family. She knows that for years, I was living not for myself but to make them proud. I pursued modeling because that is what my heart wants. My parents told Beatriz that she should follow and pursue what her heart desires. Beatriz became an engineer, and I became a model. The most paid and famous one in the country. But they...

They don't like my career...at all.

They weren't very supportive of me since then. But I never planted any jealousy and anger towards my twin. I was never angry at her. I love her even though...she doesn't love me as much as I do her.

My family wanted me to quit and pursue medicine. But I don't want that! That is not what my heart desires, so why...why will I follow that?

My whole life, I devoted it to nothing but making them proud. Make them feel that I choose the right one, the right path for myself. But every time we meet with the whole family, they never fail to make me feel like I don't belong at all. They always talk about how disappointed they were at what I've chosen myself to be into, but we never talked about how bad and biased they are when it comes to me.

Sometimes, I do think that maybe... Might I be adopted? Because why would they destroy me? Their own blood, right?

"Hush now, Trin. They don't deserve your tears, please... Hold on..." I heard the tremor in her voice as she spoke, so I cried even more.

"Beautrin...shall I bring Tammy here?" she asked gently, but I shook my head.

I have other plans for tonight. I want to forget everything for a while.

***

"Put your hands up in the air, everybody!!!"

I smirked when I saw Tamia dancing crazily on the dance floor. Along with her was Miya, who was constantly pulling Tamia towards our table, but the woman didn't want to.

I drank the glass of pineapple juice straight away.

All I want right now is to get drunk and completely forget everything for a while. I want to feel like I am living for myself and not for everyone else.

But how am I going to do that when I don't even feel like drinking something alcoholic? This is so frustrating! I want to get drunk, but I am stuck with this stupid pineapple juice!

I snorted bitterly.

I looked at the bottle of three vodkas. Two are lying down while the other is still standing and only half full.

I took my glass before pouring some with it. I took a picture of the bottle while my glass was in my hand.

Drunk in Love. I captioned it on my Instagram story. I browsed my feeds, and I stumbled upon my twin sister's social media post. It was posted an hour ago.

The first photo was of her hands...

My lips parted and swiped some more. My tears started to blur my sight but I still continued to look for the other photos she posted.

The second one shattered my heart.

It was a photo of her hands again, but with a ring on her ring finger.

Bind by God and destiny. Will stay forever 'til eternity. I'm engaged!

The caption on her post made me sob.

And the last one was a photo of her and...Claus. He was hugging her from the back, face buried in her neck while she was proudly showing her hand with a ring.

And before I know it...

I broke down again. God! How long will I have to endure? I am so tired. Please, let me rest.

Truth

Before the two, Tammy and Miya, could return to our table, I immediately fixed myself. I plastered my smile while they were approaching. The two were still glaring at each other, which made me laugh a little bit.

"My God, Tamia! She looks like a fool while dancing in front! Not even on the beat. It's embarrassing." Miya said with a frown on her face before sitting next to me.

"Shut up. You're trying your hard to pretend that you're demure, but it's obvious from your face that you're not. It's a bar, so I'm probably going to dance. And no one should care whether I'm on the beat or not." Tamia took a sip of the vodka she was holding. I just shook my head. A small smile on my lips is clear.

Seeing both of them makes me happy. They are one of my allies who truly love and care for me. They were there when I needed them the most. They are here, by my side, when the world's turning its back on me. They are the ones who stayed. And seeing them with me makes my heart warm.

I wasn't enough for my own family. They were never proud of me from the start. But these two, these two made me feel like I am enough. They made me feel like my existence was enough for someone to be proud of.

These two never doubted me. They never left me, even on my worst days. They supported me in everything. They both understand me in any way.

I'm still lucky, aren't I? So so lucky to have genuine friends like them.

The two were so drunk when we came home. I was the one who was driving while the two were bickering in the backseat. I just shook my head every time Tamia's voice rose in annoyance. The two really like cats and dogs whenever they fight. The reason why I don't really like to put them together is that they're so noisy.

I was thankful that I didn't have to call a guard to lift the two up. They are indeed drunk, but they know I can't carry them both, so they are trying their hardest to stay awake. I was just guiding them.

"What the hell! Step aside, Tammy! Your face makes me sick!"

"It makes you sick! Your face is just two, and mine's a 10!"

I smiled apologetically at the couple who were with us inside the elevator. They just nodded in understanding. They were watching the two, too, with nothing but amusement in their eyes.

When they got inside my condo, the two immediately stretched out on the sofa. Half of Miya's body was on the carpet, while her feet were placed on the sofa. I shook my head. I guess it was kinda a bad idea to bring them to a bar. If I had known, we could've just gotten drunk inside my unit, right?

I just entered the room and left the two in the living room. I took a bath before changing into my sleepwear. I was able to get an extra comforter and a thick blanket for the two before I got back inside my room.

I lay on the bed and stared at the blank ceiling above.

I thought I was fine. No. I can't be. I don't know how long I'll be able to handle it, especially with the news I just found out.

Claus really loves my twin to the point that he's ready to give her his surname to her. Claus and I were together for four years, but he never asked for my hand. He wanted us to have a baby, but he never proposed to me in those four years of being together. While he and Beatriz had only been together for a year, he was able to immediately ask for her hand in marriage. I can't help but compare. I guess comparing things will become a part of my life forever because my whole life, I was compared too. I was compared to my twin. Saying she was far better and such. I accept that all. But I have never been angry with my twin because it is not her fault that other people viewed me in a bad way.

When I had Claus, I considered myself lucky. Why not? He is Saint Claus Monteserio. One of the youngest successful businessmen in the country. He is someone that every woman wants. He is an answered prayer for most, but I was too lucky to have him, huh?

We were fine. We were so fine together. B-but...

I closed my eyes tightly. Tears streamed down my face like a waterfall.

I-I was pregnant...in the middle of me rising to the top of modeling. I was on the perk of my modeling job. I can reach it, but I got pregnant. I was pregnant with our first child. But even so, I was so ready to give up everything just for the child inside my womb.

I was so ready to give up everything, including my career. B-but my child gives up too.

I sobbed hard before caressing my tummy as if that would bring my child back.

I don't... I don't know how our child was lost! Or, I know it to myself, but I just refused to accept it.

It hurts...

I closed my eyes tightly before heaving a deep sigh. Memories of what happened the night when I knew I had lost my baby came rushing inside my head.

The only thing that I can remember is that... It is complete darkness. I was surrounded by darkness. I'm being forced to drink something I didn't know what kind of drink. It was liquid. It was water, but I tasted something was off in it. I don't want to drink...but they were... They were touching me!

They were touching me! They were laughing!

I clasped my mouth with both of my hands. I looked around my room. I wanted so badly to scream for help, but something was stopping me.

I-I didn't mean to swallow that. While I was struggling to escape from their hands, I was screaming, so they successfully put the water inside my mouth. I only drank a few...

And that's why I lost my...my baby.

I didn't mean to drink that! I know that it wasn't just normal water!

I never wanted to lose my child! I was mourning too! The next day, I woke up with a massive headache...inside a hospital. I was on her bed. The doctor told me that she had successfully removed the baby from my womb!

I was hysterical! I was angry! I didn't wish to abort my child! The doctor lied! The doctor was paid by someone! The doctor showed Claus the contract that I signed so I could abort the child when the truth is, I didn't sign anything! Everything was a fraud! But Claus believed it!

And that is when everything crumbles down.

I sobbed loudly while hugging myself. After a while, I heard the door to my room open carelessly before I felt the warm embrace of the two around me.

"Shush, everything will be fine... Hold on, Beautrin, please..."