"They're going to get married!"

I averted my gaze from the article I was reading. I let out a long sigh and bit my mouth. It's as if something is blocking my front and preventing me from breathing for a little while, and the knot in my throat hurts. Tears began to obscure my vision, and I couldn't stop them from falling on both of my cheeks.

It hurts. So much. My heart feels like it's being squeezed over and over.

I breathed hard, trying to settle myself entirely, but it didn't work. It's not working. Nothing's working because I'm still hurting.

'Gosh, Oleya Beautrin!'

I really should pull myself together! I'm not like this! I have no reason to cry.

I tried cheering myself up, thinking about some happy thoughts, but my cries only got louder. How can I think about happy thoughts when he's my happiness? Whenever I think about happy thoughts, I always find myself hurting too.

I'm hurt because I know... I know that I will just be a memory. It will never happen again. I will never be with him again. I will never be happy. And what hurts more is that I am no longer the person who makes him happy because someone else is doing it. Someone else is making him happy than I ever did before.

And knowing that he'll soon be married to her, to my twin sister, which breaks my heart even more.

I still love him. Maybe I'm crazy because I chose to still love the person who repeatedly trampled on me. The person who keeps breaking my heart. My supposed-to-be future husband turned out to be an ex.

Claus Ezekiel Monteserio. We were happy, and then one day, I just chose to ruin up and mess up everything that we had. That's something I regret up to this day. I saved my career, but then, I lost him in exchange.

I have repeatedly regretted what I did. I approached him several times to apologize. I knelt down several times just so he would forgive me. I put myself down several times but his heart remained strong and cold enough not to forgive me.

Until one day, I found out that he was courting my twin sister, who's minutes older than me. It hurts me, of course. I love him. I was confident that he loved me too. I thought his love for me was just overshadowed by his anger. I was confident that he loved me enough. But I guess I was just too assuming, huh? I thought he was only for me, but he fell in love with my sister. He fell in love with someone else while I was still stuck here in the dim, waiting for him to come and save me from drowning. I was waiting. I waited for too long, but I guess I have to save myself again.

He fell for someone else while I was still waiting for his forgiveness. How unlucky. Everything about me is bad news.

~

When I arrived at my condo unit, I immediately laid down on the mattress. I didn't change myself. I just lay down straight away because I feel like my whole being is very tired right now. I am mentally and physically tired.

Hopefully, I'll move on, hmm. Maybe Claus won't forgive me now. It will take more time I guess? I hope I can use what I found out today as motivation to finally accept and move on from him because that's really the destination of everyone who's broken. To live on and move forward.

I sighed before closing my eyes. And maybe I was so tired that day because of crying that I dozed off quickly.

I had just woken up when I heard a loud move coming from outside of my room.

I quickly got up and looked around. Everything's dim. I'm alone here in my unit, so I don't understand why I heard that weird sound from outside my room. Or am I just hallucinating?

I bit my lower mouth when my stomach grumbled. I closed my eyes tightly and shook my head. I'm hungry, that's why I'm hallucinating things, huh? Tch.

I decided to take a quick shower before getting dressed and leaving the room. I turned all the lights on, and immediately, my eyes went to the living room. I couldn't stop the loud scream that came out of my mouth when I saw a guy who was half lying on the sofa and half... not?

"C-Claus?" I whispered. It was faint, but I felt like he heard it because he quickly opened his eyes and immediately looked at me.

Waves of electricity and butterflies in my stomach struck me when I met his familiar ash-like eyes.

I blinked a few times when the smile crawled to his mouth. It's like everything that we had came back because of what he did. Yes. His simple smile makes the memories of us together resurface.

He slowly stood up and walked towards me. I didn't move from where I was standing, waiting for him to get to me. My front pounded hard as if I had run a marathon. It seems like it will come out of my front because of too much force of beating.

I could barely breathe when he finally came in front of me. I almost closed my eyes to savor the moment of him being this close to me. And his perfume... no, that's not familiar to me. He changed his perfume? My heart hurt. Darn. I should've known.

"D-darn." He laughed softly. He looks drunk. No. He is drunk. He is drunk, and he really came here?

"Beatriz? Baby?"

My shoulders fell when I heard it. I felt like a withered leaf when I heard what he said. He called me Beatriz. He mistook me for my twin sister. He thought I was the girl he loved?

I nodded bitterly. I should really stop-

But my eyes immediately widened and almost watered because of what he did next.

"Love... I missed you..." he whispered while pecking at me in my mouth passionately. I remained standing like a statue, and my eyes were as wide as saucers as I watched the good-looking face of the guy I loved so much with now eyes closed while pecking at the lady he hated so much.

I couldn't move. Part of me wanted to push him away, but one side of me wanted him to continue what he was doing.

"Darn. I missed you so much..." he whispered again as his peck continued to intoxicate me.

W-why is he doing this? Does he miss Beatriz? Didn't they see each other? And he thought that I was his fiancé, huh? He doesn't really know me.

And then everything hit me. I tried to push him because my tears were about to fall, and that's what I don't want him to see. To see me weak and pitiful.

"Darn it. Peck back! Please... Just this once."

There. Just his simple request, I cave in. I know it's wrong. I know what I did was so humiliating. But what can I do? I miss him too. I miss him too, even though I know I'm not the person he misses. Because it was my twin sister, it was Trixi Beatriz that he missed—his fiancé.

Once. Just this evening. I'll let myself have him for the last time. Maybe that's possible, right? Because I had him first? I was the first. I was the first love of this guy. This evening... I will cave in. I will give myself one last time. Because tomorrow, tomorrow he will return to his true love.

And we all know that it's not going to be me. Ever again.

Guilt

"What's wrong with you today, Beautrin? You are not your true self. You're so preoccupied that you can't even pose for a good photograph!" The director said irritatedly as I got close. Miya, my manager, and my friend immediately came to me and grabbed my arm.

I let out a sigh.

I'm aware of how much I've disappointed the entire team today. I'm disappointed in myself as well, but I can't seem to concentrate today. I can't seem to function properly, especially since the events from what happened that night are still replaying over and over again inside my head.

"Is it about your useless ex once more?" I winced and cast a sidelong glance at Miya. She truly does not have a filter in her mouth.

"Stop it. I'm just tired and restless. There's nothing serious going on." There's no way that I will tell her about what happened to Claus and me that night. There's no way. Because I already know her reaction. And it will turn out really bad.

"And pigs can fly. But fine, I'll believe you for now. But you should fix this, Trin. Fix the shoot or the two of us will really be finished off by that Jade." I nodded to Miya without looking at her.

She called the makeup artist again for me to have a retouch. While they were fixing my makeup and hair, my mind drifted into the other world again.

My mind drifted to what had happened that night. That unrighteous night.

My grip on my own hand tightened as I remembered what had happened. There's a part of me that's happy, but guilt is more dominant now. I can't believe that I did that.

Really? I stoop on that kind of level because I love Claus so much. I betrayed my twin sister just because I couldn't find myself slowly letting go of the guy who was once mine.

That was really a not-so-nice move. Something happened to us, for God's sake! And it didn't just happen once. He took me many times in the most possible yet impossible ways. That night was pure bliss, and only now did I finally realize how desperate I was.

I...took advantage of him being drunk, as he mistook me for my twin sister. I took advantage of his weakness, and I realized how bad I was for doing that.

I...was selfish. Well, still is. And I'm not proud of that. I betrayed my twin.

"Miss..." I opened my eyes due to a gentle shake on my shoulder.

I sighed. "Yes?"

"We're done now. They are calling you outside so the shoot can start again." I stiffly nodded.

I let out a loud sigh before I stood up. I looked at myself in the mirror. But I can't see anyone other than a lady who lowered herself for a guy who can't love her back anymore.

Fool. I am a fool but no one can blame me. No one.

After leaving the dressing room, I immediately went to the platform to start the shoot. It turned out fine. Just fine. That wasn't my best. And today, I wasn't my best self because I was freaking guilty about what I did the other night.

After the exhausting shoot, I immediately got dressed. I was rushing out of the building, and Miya thought I was in a hurry to meet someone. She wasn't able to stop me from getting into my own car, though.

I drove straight to my condo. I gave my key to the valet so he could park my car in my usual parking area. I ignored those who greeted me as I entered the building because my head was hurting so badly.

I just want to rest. I want to rest, hoping that my guilt will eventually fade.

After taking a shower and getting dressed, I immediately lay down on the mattress. I thought that I would be able to rest while on it. But my thoughts are drowning me even more.

Claus...

I curled myself in my blanket.

What happened to us?

We were fine. I thought we would never be apart again. With him, I felt like nothing would go wrong. I thought our life was a fairytale. I love him, and he loves me the same.

But...

But I made a mistake. I made a mistake that broke our relationship and us. I want to explain myself to him. But how can I? How can I do that when he's not even giving me a chance to talk to him without feeling disgusted at me every time that he sees me?

But if I explain to him. I doubt that he'll believe me. He will never hear and believe me. I know that. But I never stopped trying to reach for him, to win him over again. I never give up on him because even though I hate him, I still love him. My love for him is greater than the anger that I am feeling.

But he... He gave up on us. He dropped me like a hot potato while I was still trying my hardest to hold him.

He's over me. But I am not. And this time, I wish that I hadn't met him because I don't want myself to turn into someone that I am clearly not.

Loath

Days passed like a blur.

It's been weeks since something happened between Claus and me, and all I did was reminisce every bit of it like it just happened yesterday. I can't seem to forget it.

I badly want to talk to Claus. But...what if he doesn't remember, right? Because he was too drunk that night, and I doubt if he can remember every piece of what happened to us.

Shit!

I'm going crazy! I don't know what to do anymore, and I feel like I can't face my twin just the same, knowing that I had sex with her fiancee!

"Tomorrow will be a busy day, Trin. We have a tight schedule, so it's better if you rest first."

I sighed. "It's okay, Miya. I'm used to it."

"No. You're going to go home to your condo early and rest. I don't want you to be in the middle of the shoot and space out like a mad girl again. " I sighed again. I didn't complain anymore because I felt like I didn't have enough energy to fight with this girl. She's as hardheaded as me.

The service van brought me to my condo. I didn't bring my car because Miya didn't want to let me drive. She said that I should avoid driving for now, especially since I've been spacing out a lot these past few days.

I know that she feels it already. She could smell something wrong, but she never forced me to talk about it. And that's one of the reasons why I like her. She just waits until I feel comfortable spitting up the things that are bothering me.

When I arrived, I immediately got off the van after thanking the driver. I was glad that it wasn't a long drive at all.

I returned a small smile to those who greeted me as I entered. I can't seem to smile genuinely, especially when I'm thinking a lot.

I entered my condo's passcode before going inside.

The familiar feeling of 'home' hit me. Ever since I decided to live on my own, this has been the witness of my silent battles. I am alone, but this is what I call home. Because I never felt welcome in our house back then. I feel like I was a prisoner...with no chance to escape, and I can't help but be thankful that I already did it. I escaped with my help of myself.

My eyes slowly drifted to the living room.

I let out a gasp of surprise when I saw someone sitting on my single sofa. My heart thumped loudly inside as I made my way to him. He was just staring at me coldly. Like, I was nothing but a stranger in his eyes.

I felt bitter.

Stranger. Yes. That's what we are now.

"C-Claus, it's a surprise to see you here." How did you know my passcode? I want to add, but I stopped myself. Of course, he has ways. He always has ways.

"N-did you wait for too long? U-uhm, w-what do you want? Coffee or—"

"Nothing." He spat out coldly, cutting my sentence off. I swallowed and smiled slightly at him. "Tell me, did something happen between us in this filthy place?" I blinked a few times and backed away slightly. He spat out those words like he was disgusted to be even here...or more like, disgusted of me.

I got even weaker.

"Answer me, b-tch!" I closed my eyes tightly when I heard his loud, angry shout. He stood up from his seat as if he was ready to attack me if I answered him wrongly.

B-tch...

I laughed inwardly inside my head. I should get used to it. I should get used to that word because he's not the first person to call me that at all. But why is that? The pain is tripled when he's the one saying it.

"Answer me before I do anything to you!" I gasped for air. He will not think twice now about hurting me!

"Y-yes...S-something happened between us." I tried to act bravely and spoke to him while staring into his ash-gray eyes, but I couldn't handle it. All I can see is his eyes are pure disgust and anger towards me.

He violently kicked the coffee table in front. His eyes were coated with so much loath as he looked at me. "How did I end up here?! Did you drug me, huh?!" He shouted angrily and rushed to come in front of me. I screamed painfully when he held my collar.

He is really going to hurt me! And that fucking hurts me even more! The fact that he's willing to hurt me physically feels like trash.

"You took advantage of my drunken state! I loathe you more for doing this shit to me!" He screamed in my face. I couldn't do anything but look down while crying. I didn't even realize I was already crying until he lifted me up a bit, holding my collar like his dear life depended on it.

I tried to pry his hands away, but he was too strong. So, I just let him. I let him do the things that he wanted to do even though I knew that I didn't deserve it at all.

"You know I am in a relationship with your twin." He let go of me violently. With no strength enough for me to stand up, I collapsed on the floor.

I saw him kick my sofa angrily.

"If Beatriz finds out about this and our relationship will go down because of you, you will regret this, Beautrin. Just wrap yourself up with your own coffin now because I will not forgive you if Beatriz finds out!"

I cried even more. I cried not because of how he can physically hurt me for my twin, but because of the fact that it's really gone...

He really has no love left for me... Not even a little bit. I wished for a little...but I fell hard because he doesn't feel anything to me now. I am no one but a twin sister of his lover.

"I f-cking loath you! Don't ever show your face to me ever again! Just please, Beautrin. Don't disturb Beatriz and me because no matter what happens...I will never come back to you."