I didn't sleep.

I sat by the window with my hand on my stomach and watched London turn from black to gray. The onesie was still in my bag. I couldn't look at it. I couldn't throw it away either.

At seven, I called down for a bellhop. I wanted to be gone before the city fully woke up. I wanted to be on a plane, in the air, above the clouds where no one could reach me.

At seven forty, someone knocked on the door.

I thought it was the bellhop. I opened it without checking.

Kali stood in the hallway.

She was already dressed for the day. Cream cashmere, pearl earrings, hair pulled back the way she used to wear it during finals week in college. The only new thing was the ring. She held her left hand loose at her side, the way you hold something you know people are looking at.

"Hadley," she said. Her voice was soft. Almost hurt. "Can I come in?"

I didn't move out of the doorway.

She took that in with a small, patient smile. "Okay. That's okay. I'll say it here."

I pressed my thumb to the inside of my wrist.

"I know how this must look," she said. "I know what you must think of me. Of us." Her hand rose to her collarbone. The ring caught the hallway light and threw a bright, shaking spot onto the wall beside my face. "But please believe me when I say I didn't plan any of this. It just… happened. Slowly. And then all at once."

I stayed quiet.

She waited for me to speak. When I didn't, she tilted her head, the way she used to when she wanted a professor to think she was listening deeply.

"I've been thinking about you all night," she said. "I couldn't sleep. I kept imagining what I'd want, if it were me. And I think—" A tiny breath, staged perfectly. "I think what I'd want is a chance to leave with my dignity intact. Before it gets worse."

Her hand moved again. The ring flashed again. She didn't look at it. She didn't need to.

"You could go home," she said gently. "Quietly. Move on. There's a whole life waiting for you back in New York, Hadley. You were always so good at starting over."

Good at starting over.

I almost laughed.

"Don't drag this out," she said, softer now. "Don't make yourself smaller than you are. Dorian—" She stopped, as if the name cost her something. "He's not going to change his mind. And you're stronger than this."

I looked at her. Really looked. The same face I'd shared a bathroom with for two years. The same girl who'd cried on my shoulder at graduation and told me I was the sister she'd never had.

I thought about the baby. My hand almost went to my stomach. I stopped it.

I wasn't going to give her that. Not one inch of it.

"Thank you for stopping by," I said.

Her smile faltered for the first time. Just a flicker. A crack at the corner of her mouth.

"Hadley—"

I shut the door.

I stood on my side of it with my palm flat against the wood. I could hear her breathing on the other side. Then heels on carpet, walking away. Slow. Then faster.

I didn't cry. I didn't shake. I felt something quiet settle in my chest, cold and clean, like a stone dropping into deep water.

I packed in fifteen minutes.

---

I was zipping my case when I heard her voice again in the hallway. Not close. Around the corner, near the elevators. I froze without meaning to.

"—the lobby," she was saying. Low. Nothing like the voice she'd used at my door. "Yes. Tomorrow morning. Early enough that there are people. Not so early that there aren't."

A pause.

"I don't care how it looks. I want it to look bad. I want everyone in that lobby to see it and remember it."

Another pause. Shorter.

"She's small. It won't take much."

My hand was still on the zipper. I couldn't move.

"Send men who know how," she said. "And don't leave a mark on the face if you can help it. I don't want her looking pitiful in the photos. I want her looking cheap."

The elevator chimed. Her heels clicked in. The doors closed.

I stood very still in the middle of my room, with my hand on a suitcase, and listened to my own heartbeat.

For a long moment I told myself I'd heard wrong. That it was a hotel arrangement. A vendor. Anything.

I knew I hadn't heard wrong.

I sat down on the edge of the bed. My legs felt light and far away. My other hand, without asking me, drifted to my stomach and rested there, flat and warm and protective.

"It's okay," I whispered. I didn't know who I was talking to. The baby. Myself. Some part of me that was already understanding what the rest of me hadn't caught up to yet. "It's okay. We're going home. We're going home right now."

I stood up. I picked up the phone by the bed and asked the front desk to have my bags brought down. I asked them to call a car.

I didn't ask them to walk me through the lobby.

I told myself the lobby was a public place. It was full daylight. It was one of the finest hotels in London.

I told myself I would be fine.

I pressed my thumb, hard, against the inside of my wrist.

I walked through the hotel lobby at eight in the morning with my suitcase rolling behind me. The floor was white marble. The chandeliers were still on even though it was daylight outside. A woman in a silk dress sat in one of the velvet chairs by the window, drinking coffee and reading a newspaper.

I kept my eyes on the revolving door at the front. The car was waiting. I just had to get there.

I saw the first man before I understood what I was seeing.

He was standing near the concierge desk. Jeans. Dark jacket. He wasn't looking at his phone. He was looking at me.

The second man was by the elevator bank. The third near the flower arrangement in the center of the lobby. The fourth blocking the path to the door.

They moved at the same time.

The one by the flowers got to me first. He stepped directly into my path. I stopped. My hand tightened on the suitcase handle.

"Excuse me," I said quietly.

He didn't move.

The others closed in. A circle. Tight enough that I couldn't see past them to the front desk. Tight enough that the woman with the newspaper looked up, her cup pausing halfway to her mouth.

"Homewrecker," the man in front of me said. His voice was loud. Performative. Meant to carry. "You think you can just show up and ruin people's lives?"

My heart slammed against my ribs. I took a step back. The man behind me shoved me forward. I stumbled. My suitcase tipped and fell.

"Desperate," another one said. "Chasing a man who doesn't want you."

I opened my mouth to say something—anything—but the first shove came before I could.

It wasn't hard. Just enough to knock me off balance. I caught myself on the edge of a marble column. My palm scraped against the stone.

"Nobody," the third man said. He was smiling. "You're nobody."

The next shove was harder.

I went down on one knee. Pain shot up my leg. My hands went to my stomach without thinking. I curled around it. Around the baby. Around the only thing that mattered.

"Please," I said. My voice came out small and broken. "Please stop."

They didn't stop.

A kick to my side. I gasped and folded tighter. Another kick. My shoulder. My ribs. I tried to crawl toward the column, toward anything that could block them, but hands grabbed my arms and hauled me back into the center of the circle.

The woman with the newspaper was standing now. Her mouth was open. She wasn't moving.

No one was moving.

The concierge had a phone in his hand but he wasn't dialing. A bellhop stood frozen by the luggage cart. A couple near the elevator stared with wide eyes and didn't take a single step forward.

I heard someone say, "Should we—" and someone else say, "Don't get involved."

Another blow. My head snapped to the side. The marble floor was cold against my cheek. I tasted copper. My vision blurred at the edges.

I kept my arms wrapped around my stomach. I didn't let go. Even when the pain turned white and sharp. Even when I felt something inside me tear and give way. Even when warmth spread down my thighs and pooled beneath me on the white marble, dark and red and wrong.

I heard a voice—mine, I think—make a sound that wasn't a word. Just a low, animal noise of grief so deep it didn't have language.

Finally, someone shouted. Security. Running footsteps. The men scattered like birds.

I lay on the floor in a spreading pool of blood and stared at the chandelier above me. It was very bright. The crystals threw rainbows across the ceiling.

I thought about the onesie in my suitcase. Pale yellow. The word 'Loved' printed across the chest.

I thought about Dorian's face last night when he'd looked at me across the ballroom and chosen Kali.

I thought about Kali's voice in the hallway. *Don't leave a mark on the face if you can help it.*

I pressed my thumb against the inside of my wrist. The pain was clean and sharp and real.

Someone was kneeling beside me. A security guard. He was saying something I couldn't hear. His mouth was moving but the sound was far away.

The last thing I saw before my vision went black was the woman in the silk dress, still standing by the window, her coffee cup forgotten in her hand, staring at me like I was something that had happened to someone else.

---

I woke up in white.

White walls. White sheets. White light coming through a window with the blinds half-closed.

A doctor stood at the foot of the bed. He had kind eyes. That was the worst part. The kindness.

He didn't say anything at first. He just looked at me with that terrible, gentle expression, and I knew.

I knew before his mouth opened. Before he said the words. Before he told me the pregnancy was lost. Eight weeks gestation. Nonviable after trauma.

Nonviable.

Such a clean word. Such a polite word for the end of everything.

I didn't make a sound.

I lay in the white bed and stared at the white ceiling and pressed my thumb so hard against the inside of my wrist that the skin turned purple.

The doctor asked if there was anyone he could call. Family. Friends. The father.

I shook my head.

He left a card on the table beside the bed. A counselor. Someone to talk to. He said it gently, like he was offering me a gift.

I didn't touch the card.

When he left, I turned my head toward the window. London was gray outside. Rain streaked the glass.

I made myself a promise in that white room. Silent. Absolute. The kind of promise you carve into bone.

I would never again mistake a man's need for me with his worthiness of me.

I would never again give someone the power to destroy me and call it love.

I pressed my thumb against my wrist one more time. Then I let go.

I closed my eyes and began the work of becoming someone new.