Fear has broken me into tiny uncountable pieces, shattered me like the worst ever disaster, ruined me in the cruelest way, and killed my soul brutally like there is no tomorrow. I fear to love, I want to love but I fear to be loved, to be accepted for who I am.

Love is supposed to accept all but does it truly accept all thing that is broken Isabella wanted me in all the ways I want her to have me, I wanted to feel a woman, touch a woman and be with a woman the way that a man should be but I could not.

She might be what I want but I am not what she needs.

I have just woken up from that never-ending dream that torments my sleep every night. My phone has been buzzing, as I reach on over to look, I can see it is Isabella.

"Is it something I did? Did I do something wrong? Please tell me why you left."

Just as I am about to put my phone down, it lights up again. It is Isabella.

"Come on soldier, you are killing me. What is going on?"

I put my phone back down without replying to her. How do I even explain to her how I feel, I am crazy for her, she gives me those butterflies that flutter in your stomach, she makes me finish my sentences the wrong way around, she is like a breath of fresh air after the rain. But I can't have her, so why should I tell her how I feel.

I decide to get my ass out of bed and have a shower. Just as I get up to go to the bathroom, there is a knock from my mother on the door."

"Clay. Clay are you awake?"

She does not wait for me to answer before she comes into my room. I am standing in my boxers, on my one leg leaning against the wall, watching the entire moment unravel.

"OH GOD CLAY NO WHAT HAPPENED?"

She runs towards me and grabs me by my shoulders, tears are streaming down her face. I can hear her voice tremble as she tries to speak. Her body shakes as tears continue to roll down her cheeks.

"Clay, what happened?"

I just stand there leaning against the wall, my fears are starting to come to surface. I can see the look in my own mother's eyes as she is staring at my amputated leg.

"God Clay please answer me. What happened?"

"I do not answer her, I don't know what to say, nothing I will say to her will make this better for either one of us.

"Clay please talk to me?"

I take a deep breath and hop my way back to bed. I can see the horror in her eyes as she watches me. This is my mother, if she acts like this, how will Isabella take it.

Finally, I speak.

"We went out on a routine patrol when we came under attack from a group of militia that moved into town the previous night. We could not fall back so we had to go through town. The road we went down was not swept for mines yet. Our patrol vehicle hit a mine, it messed up the front pretty bad and my leg got crushed between the seat and front panel."

I watch her before she speaks.

"But could they not...could they not save your leg?"

"No mom, it was pretty messed up as well."

"But why...why did you not tell us?"

"Because I knew how you were going to act and what dad was going to say."

"When did it happen?"

"My last deployment, three months ago."

I watch as she crumbles to pieces, she grabs me in her arms and hugs me like there is not shit for tomorrow. She cries, no not cry, she whales, it is the worst sound I have heard in months, I thought a soldier that is close to dying sounded bad, it is nothing close compared to my mother's crying.

"We must tell your dad."

"Not now mom, I am not ready. You know what he is going to say."

"What are you going to do now?"

"I don't know mom that is why I am here, so I can figure things out."

"But can't you go back to the core, get like a desk job or something?"

"If I can't do what I love then I don't want to do it."

"Oh Clay, I am so sorry."

We sit there for another few minutes and talk, after she leaves, I make sure to lock the door before I head to the shower.

As I hop out to dry and get dressed, my phone buzzes again. It is Isabella.

"Seriously are you going to be that type of man? You don't kiss a girl like that and then go all dead on me."

I so want to reply to her but I just can't, I know that the longer I spend time with her, the more I am going to fall and I am going to fall hard for her. And soon I am going to want her in ways which I can't, not that I can't perform, cause, believe me, I can, I can't let her see me like this.

I spend another hour in my room before I finally make my way out to the kitchen to grab some much-needed coffee. My dad and Matt are bickering as per usual.

"I am telling you, Matt, you won't go wrong if you go into medicine."

"And I am telling you dad that it is not going to happen."

"Well, what do you intend on doing with your life?"

"Dad it is my life, I will decide what I want to do with it when I am ready."

I think it is time for me to step in for I can see Matt getting frustrated.

"It feels like I heard this conversation yesterday already."

"It is because he has this conversation every day. Wait until he starts with you."

"Well dad will be getting the same answer from me and no I am not going into medicine. The closest I am getting to medicine is the painkillers that I will be taking for this damn headache I have had all morning."

My mom offers to go get me something from our medicine cabinet.

"Wait let me go grab something for you Clay"

She knows that I am referring to my leg. It is bruised up bad from all the walking of the past two days.

"I get the painkillers from her with a cup of coffee and head into the lounge where Matt is now sitting and watching some crime series. This is so going to grind my father's ass, his two useless sons sitting and vegetating in front of the television.

My phone buzzes again. It is Isabella.

"Okay soldier if you ain't coming to me then I am coming to you."

Well, that made no sense at all, that is at least what I think until someone is buzzing at the front door.

"Don't everybody get up all at once," Matt says as he gets up. "I will do ya all a favor and grab it."

I only but laugh at him "Look at Matty boy being so all considerate."

"If it is a hot chick then Matty boy keeps her."

"I think you have run out of girls to keep."

"Ya ya we will see, there is always a new girl in town."

Sometimes I do wonder about the boy, I mean, we can't be any more different than an apple and an orange. Who is the apple and who is the orange is left to be seen?

I hear him hollering some shit from the front door but I do not pay much attention.

"Are you deaf?" He slaps me against the head.

"Are you stupid?" I slap him in return.

"You not supposed to slap me back."

"You not supposed to slap me in the first place. Who was at the door?"

"Your girlfriend."

"I don't have a girlfriend."

"Yes you do, the girl that you were snogging at the coffee shop yesterday."

"How do you know...oh yes I forget, old Betty? So who was really at the door?"

"Me soldier"

My jaw drops to the floor and every moving muscle goes stiff.

"Isabella."

"Yes, that is me, well when I checked this morning it was."

"What are you doing here?"

"Coming to check why my soldier has gone AWOL."

"Keep those paws to yourself bro," I warn him playfully even though every bone in my body means it.

"I got a girl but if you don't want this one I can always make a plan."

"There is a bit smile that appears on Isabella's face. "Let's guess he is one of those guys spanking girls in my house."

"Hahaha, you dead right there."

"Says him, I can tell you quite a few stories about this boy." Matt starts off as he is ready to begin.

"Stories you will keep to yourself if you don't want your face broken."

"Why don't you go grab me some coffee soldier," Isabella says. "Matty can tell me all about them."

"Taking charge again I see. Grab a chair, I will be back in a second."

Now I have a stupid damn ass smile on my face. Why did she have to come show up here all good looking like that, the woman has got my blood boiling now. The minute Matt disappears I am so all over her.

I get her a cup from the fresh pot of coffee, check my hair in the reflection of the oven, and make my way back to the lounge. Her clever ass made sure to sit on the seat right next to me, fuck I just hope she does not try and touch me.

"So is this what you boys do all day?"

"This and argue with our father." Matt jokingly says.

"You argue, I just listen," I add.

Then completely of topic, Isabella turns to me. "Maybe I should have phoned you then cause there sure as hell is something wrong with your fingers."

"Maybe I was busy."

"Matt!"

"What? I don't know which hand you type with? What the fuck were you thinking?"

"You better start running because I am going to smack your wise ass."

"Now that you remind me, I need to get running, Elle is waiting for me. You two love birds can be alone."

Before I can even try and stop him, he is out the front door leaving me and Isabelle alone.

What do I do now, I mean I know what I want to do but I know she is going to want an explanation for what happened yesterday. So what do I do, the best thing a soldier can do, create a diversion?

Forget what you think you know about love because it is not real. To love you need to take that risk, you need to make that choice to fall. If you do not fall in love and experience that love, then it is not worth taking that risk at all. Falling is easy but love is hard. If love is hard, how easy would it take someone for what they are? To me, near impossible, I want to fall in love but I cannot give someone who I truly am. I would rather deal with my broken bones than a broken heart,

So Isabella loves taking charge, my successful attempts at ignoring her has blown up in my face, she has shown me that she is one over me, if I do not respond to her, she responds to me.

"Why have you been ignoring me, soldier?"

"I...I have been busy."

"Busy slapping your brother against the head busy?"

"No busy with other things busy."

"Like other things like ignoring me busy?"

"I...I did...I just."

She looks at me, tapping her finger on her chin, patiently waiting for me to spit the crap out that is about to come out of my mouth.

"I...I was..."

Just screw this!

I wrap my hand around the nape of her neck and pull her closer to my lips.

"What are you doing soldier?"

"Avoiding your questions Miss Stubborn."

My lips brush against hers, innocent and like a tease but it's not innocence that I want, I want fire and passion. I want to lose myself in her and in this moment. She pulls away, leaving our lips just inches away from touching."

"Soldier," she whispers my name.

"Isabella" I smile, prolonging each letter as if to savor them.

My heart flutters as she clasps her hands on either side of my face. Never before has any woman made me feel so good. I pull her body into mine and cover her mouth in a hungry kiss. As our lips crush together, it feels like I am walking on air, the way her lips fit perfectly with mine. Her mouth is so warm, the caress of her lips is soft, and she tastes better than I can remember. Desire and lust fill me, I open my mouth with a low moan.

"You are forgiven...for now," she whispers in my ear.

"If it was not for your mom standing there I would have definitely dropped those pants this time."

I am shocked to my senses. As I look at the entrance of the lounge, my mother, with the most sinister smile on her face, is standing and watching us.

"MOM! How long have you been standing there?"

"Oh me? I just got here. I wanted to come to check who is at the door."

"It's Isabella, the girl that lives up the mountain."

I know at this point that her curiosity has gotten the most of her, there is no way I can even try to tell her to leave us alone. Definitely not after our little display of affection, thank god Isabella spoke when she did because my hands were very near to start and wonder.

"OH HI, Isabella, I am Denice."

"Hi Denice, it's nice to meet you, soldier here talks a lot of you."

"Soldier?" my mom asks slightly confused.

"Isabella likes calling me soldier mom, I think it is because she has forgotten my name."

"HAHAHA," Isabella burst out laughing. "I still know who you are Clayton Jackson."

"Mmmm you going for the full name, normally I only get called Clayton when I messed something up."

"Well don't think that I have not forgotten you running out on me last night."

My mom sits analyzing the conversation not knowing if she should stay or should she rather go but I am pretty sure she has a good idea what Isabella is referring to. I watch her very carefully as she speaks.

"Sorry Isabella, that was my fault, he had to come to help me with packing up his room. Seeing that he is staying, we had to pack up his old stuff."

"I am sure he will make it up to me, won't you soldier?"

"I...uhm...I...I.." I stuttering like an idiot.

My mother jumps in again and it seems that she has a sneakishly brilliant idea, I just know that I am not going to like it. You never let your mom and your girlfriend talk, there is just something that does not sit well putting them both together. Now if you want all your embarrassing secrets out, you ask my mom and of course old Betty, and believe me, I prefer Betty's secrets and not my mom's

"Isabella," my mom speaks as a wicked smile forms at the corner of her mouth. "Have you seen his photos from the core yet? I see he has been hiding them away from me in his room."

"MOM! What are you scratching for in my stuff?"

"It was just standing there, I could not help myself."

"Just standing there does not mean you must climb into it. I was still checking which photos you can take."

"Well it is too late, I have already decided which ones I want to take."

"Bet it is all the ones I did not want you to have. And I swear if any of them lands up with old Betty!"

"Why Clay, I would never do something to you like that to you or your brother?"

"Yes, mom I believe you just as much as I believe that Matt does not have another girlfriend."

"Oh he does, I saw the two of them yesterday. Well, Betty saw them, not me, but she told me."

"Oh my god, what is wrong with this family. Nevermind us but with Betty?"

"Agh stop being so dramatic soldier, let me see those photos." Isabella excitedly says.

"Scoot up so I can sit next to you." My mom comes to wiggle herself between us as she sits down.

I only but look at the two of them and their eager smiles on their faces. "I am going to regret this"

She starts flipping through the ones they took the day I left to join the core. That was an amazing day, well for me at least, my mom could not stop crying and dad, just could not stop cursing. It was by far the happiest day of my life.

"Ahhh soldier you look so cute," Isabella says as she takes the photo from my mom.

"That is when he still had hair."

"Mom don't you dare!"

"But son, all soldiers lose their hair."

"Yes and not all soldiers like being seen without it!"

And like I can really stop her, she is already flashing the worst possible one she can find in front of Isabella's face were I believe, which other's will argue, is the photo where I almost have no hair at all

"Sorry soldier but that is near damn ugly."

"And there I thought you liked me for who I am and not my looks."

"I am an all looks kind of girl."

I just look at her as I think to myself (Well honey wait until you see my leg then, your all look kind of girl ass is going to be out the door.)

"I think it makes you look like a real man." My mom adds.

"Mom since when does a haircut make a man? I would like to believe I became a real man when I left for the core."

"You are a real man my son, I just wish sometimes that you did not have to grow up so fast."

She starts flipping through the photos again when all of a sudden Isabella shouts.

"STOP! I want to see that one."

Pointing to a photo my mom was just about to pass. A photo that the platoon leader took of me shirtless after a morning jog.

"Damn Denice, you surely know how to make your boys. Just look at those muscles. I am pretty sure you can melt butter on that chest."

"Isabella! You cannot say something like that to my old mother, you will give her a heart attack."

"Believe me heart attack is what I felt the first time that I saw it."

I almost near damn joke at my mother's next words. "Isabella I am sure your fingers can get lost in that curves."

"Mother! It's my stomach you are referring to! Can we please move on!"

Next, we just flip through a whole bunch of them showing me in uniform at base and on deployment. Most of the photos are of me and all my core buddies just messing around with a few serious ones. Until at last the torture is done or so I think...

"Wait!" she stops my mom again. "What is that one?"

(Fuck fuckedy fuck.)

Isabella is pointing to a photo, one of the very last photos that my core buddies took of me. A photo where I am laying in bed where you can see my amputated leg wrapped up in bandage underneath the blankets."

"Shit soldier. Did you get hurt down there?"

I look at my mother that is sitting next to her in absolute horror, the color has drained from my face as I look for the answer in my mother's eyes. She has saved me up until so far, can she save me again. I close my eyes and take a deep breath.

"Just a few broken bones, nothing major serious."

"Is that the leg you walk with so funny," she asks. "Did those bones not healed back the way they should of?"

"You know our soldiers, I did not stay off the leg when I was supposed to."

"At least you came back in one piece soldier that is all that matters."

"I guess it is."

"Well, that is enough of that then." My mom says as she gets off the couch. "Can I get you, kids, something from the kitchen?"

"Just a coffee if you making mom. It feels I can do with something strong at the moment."

"That would be nice, a coffee for me too Denice."

Isabella turns to me with that beautiful smile of hers. There is something on her mind, by the look in her deep brown eyes, it must be something important.

"Soldier, I never asked you why you got your bus ticket back home."

Don't just break your walls down to let someone in, make them work for it, make them show that they are worth it. Wait for that one that is willing to climb your walls just to find you that will break them down just to get to you. The one that is looking for you, all that you are in body, mind, and soul. The worst reason to break down your walls is just for the physical, let love in before giving that part that you are not willing to expose.

I have done my very best to ignore Isabella again. It's day count two, I answer her briefly when I think it warrants. Yes, I am the dumb ass that starts it and when it comes to pulling through, I do my famous now you see me and now you don't hear from my act. The damn woman is fine and god knows I want her, not only physically but on a much deeper level than that, I just wish I can get past that part that is in the way...my leg.

I am sitting in the lounge with Matt and his new girlfriend when my phone rings.

It is Isabella.

"Stop ignoring the woman and answer the damn phone," Matt says with a hint of irritation in his voice. "You should have figured by now that she is not going to go away."

"I can't and you know it."

"Bro she likes you for you, not your damn leg."

"Matt! Watch your mouth. She does not know. And anyway she likes the full version of a person that is me, well that she thinks is me."

"Bro, I just wish you will out with it. You know that the old man is going to blow a valve when he finally finds out. I don't think Isabella will even think near the same."

My phone buzzes.

It's Isabella.

"I am starting to feel like a stalker bitch soldier, throw a girl some rope here."

"HAHAHA. Are you drowning girl?"

"Aha, he is alive! You're a sight for sore words. I am missing you over here in my whore house."

"Are you dreaming of spanking again?"

"Only of you my soldier. When am I going to see your sweet ass again, well I still need to see it and oh boy can't I wait to see it, I mean when can a girl see her man?"

"Mmmm your man? Now that I like the sound of. When did I become your man?"

"Since you have been feeding me all those honey kisses which by the way I am out of. I need some more like yesterday already!"

"Hahaha you will give a guy some serious big head here"

"HAHAHA, soldier get your ass here! There is some real head I would like to give you."

"What about me and Matty and his new attachment come for dinner?"

"As long as it brings me you then I am up for it."

"Perfect, this sweet ass will be coming up in an hour."

"I will crack out one of my finest whips just for you."

"Hahaha see you later my boo."

I wish I knew what I am doing, I mean I want to see her, yes, but I know I am going to push her away as soon as it gets too serious, I guess that is why I am taking Matt with. Maybe I should just stick my pride and tell her about it. Let's wait and see what happens tonight."

"Listen here dumb ass," I turn to look at Matt. "Whatever you had planned for this evening has just been canceled."

"Are you throwing me and my girl out the lounge for Isabella for Isabella?"

"No, you and..." I turn to the girl sitting next to Matt. "Sorry girl but I don't think I caught your name."

"It is Chloe."

I turn back to face Matt again. "You and Chloe are coming for dinner at Isabella."

"Are you perhaps trying to not be alone with her?"

"I am trying to avoid a situation where I need to lie to her or push her away again."

"Well," Chloe says. "I need to go home and change then and grab a few bottles of wine. Do you want to come with Matty? My parents aren't at home."

"Fuck girl," Matt excitedly says. "Only if you let me take them off with my teeth this time."

I listen in horror to the words coming out of his mouth. "Fuck man, that is not what I wanted to think about now, I hardly know the girl and now I got an image of her in my head with just her panties on."

"Damn bro, who said I was talking about her panties? You seriously need to get laid."

"Just get your ass out here and be there at seven, I will have your balls to the cat if you are late."

"Yup you need to get laid."

Matt and Chloe are out the door to her place so she can go change while I head upstairs to go do the same. I bump into my mother just as I am about to enter my room.

"Are you guys going over to Isabella tonight?"

"Mom, are you listening to our conversation again?"

"Your dad is annoying me, so I ignore whatever he says."

"Is he commentating on the story he is watching again?"

"I don't know why he watches it if he thinks he knows more than the presenter. It drives the shit out of me."

"I would invite you with to Isabella."

"Please no. I see enough of your brother's face down every girl in town's throat, I don't want to see yours too."

"Mom my face is not going to be down Isabella's throat."

"Oh my son, every time she is going to try touch that leg or talk about the core, it is definitely going to be down her throat."

"Mom I am just not ready yet."

"I understand, I really do. Now go have fun before the old man comes with his shit."

I head into my room and lock the door behind me so that I can change.

It takes me several attempts later and a very chaotic room full of clothes and I am finally ready to head off to Isabella."

I bump into my mom again as I leave through the back door.

"Good luck Clay."

"Thanks, mom, I think we are going to be home quite late, Matt's girl is whipping out the wine."

"Just be careful down here that late at night."

"Will do mom, love you."

I give her a kiss on the cheek and start heading up the road.

With every step that I take, it feels like my heart is getting smaller and smaller from the suffocating feeling I feel surrounding it. What the hell is wrong with me, it's only a girl, a girl I feel that I am about to die over. I have never felt so anxious in my life before, this is a good anxious but also a good scary one. She is worth every scary moment I feel but is she worth letting that wall down tonight.

As I get closer to her house, I see her sitting outside on the deck with a glass of wine in her hand. She is breathtaking, watching her brings a smile to my heart, god I wish, I wish so many things that I would want to do to her. The thing is, I have not even tried being with a woman with my leg like this. I mean, do you take it off or do you leave it on when you do it? And what can I do, is there like only certain positions that we can do, how do you even begin to have sex like this.

I clear my head and make my way up to her.

"Evening Miss Stubborn."

"Evening my soldier."

"You look amazing."

"Not half as amazing as what you make me feel now that I see you."

I take her glass of wine from her hands and put it on the table. I pull her into my embrace and deep into my chest.

"There is that rippled stomach that I have missed." She says as she runs her fingers over every inched of my rippled abs.

"I think you are confusing my muscles with my lips."

"Mmmmm there is that too."

My hands drift to her hips and I pull her closer. Slowly I press my lips against hers. Her plump, velvety lips against my slimmer, warm ones, dancing around and bonding together. My insistent mouth is parting her trembling lips, sending wild tremors through my body, and inflicting sensations I have never known I had. No one has ever kissed me like this, she is waking a feeling and slowly crumbling that wall.

"Mmmmm keep doing that and we sending your brother home."

"Talk about Matt, he is late."

"Early bro." Matt and Chloe come walking out of the house.

"We got here before you." Chloe hands me a glass of wine

"Glad we did cause by the looks of that you would be having each other for dinner," Matt says with a slightly amused smile on his face.

I reach over and slap him behind the head.

"Says Mister Casanova himself. You were probably trying to suck out her third lung inside the kitchen there."

He slaps me behind the head.

"Duh bro, you only have two lungs."

I slap him behind the head.

"I am sure Chloe has none left."

He slaps me behind the head.

"Are you boys going to slap each other the whole night like that?" Isabella asks as she watching the ping pong match of slapping heads. "I can always bring out that whip."

"Boo, I thought you keeping that for us for later? I wink at her and smile.

"Hahaha be careful what you wish for soldier."

Matt goes to feed wood to a big bonfire he is building, while the girls go inside to grab snacks and a full bottle of wine. "Just so you know for you f.y.i this girl is crazy about you bro."

"Why, did she say something?"

"He asked if you did not like her cause you keep pushing her away. Told her she must be patient, the core fucked you up."

"Geez I don't know if I should say thank you, but you right, the core did fuck me up for this woman."

"Bro the worst the girl can do is tell you to fuck off. Now just give her a chance maybe she won't."

"Matt, I hope you are right, she makes me feel things, you know things deep down inside that stir every string of your heart."

"Bro I think you call that being in love."

Just then the girls come back outside, we all cuddle up around the fire. Isabella is sitting on my left-hand side with her fingers interlocked in my hands. Her head is resting on my shoulder, the sweet scent of her almost feel her heart beating through her ears. Her touch and smell is overwhelming every feeling I feel inside. I gently take her hand and lay it on my leg.

"Is this the one that was broken?"

"No this is the better one of them."

"Was it sore?"

"Was what sore?"

"When you broke your leg?"

"Bella, boo, I never had so much pain in my life before, I thought I would die."

"Is that why you don't want to let me touch or talk about it?"

"There is a lot more to that story my boo."

"Are you going to tell me one day or are you going to keep on pushing me away?"

"You know how it is to be with a soldier."

"Yes, maybe I should call you Mr. Stubborn then."