It is early morning and I am still lying in bed. I look over at the clock, it is only five now, this would be round about the time our platoon leader will come chase our asses out of bed. There is no way I am getting my ass out of bed now, I turn over onto my good leg and fall right back to sleep.

......

I hear rapid gunfire coming in from the distance, the entire squad goes into panic as they start shouting at and over each other. I have a much-panicked soldier next to me, the fear on his face is clear is the light of day.

"Sir, we need to go! We need to go now!"

"Help me out! I can't move my leg!"

He furiously tries to pull and pull, but my leg is not budging an inch. The ever-growing amount of fear is now visible in his voice.

"Sir I can't get you lose, try to move your leg."

"I can't move it" I go dead still and realize that he is not going to get it out. "It is crushed."

The gunfire is now getting closer and closer. It is merely but a couple a meters away from where we crashed.

"Leave me here, go get help."

"Sir I can't leave you here!"

I immediately start to raise my voice and demand him to accept my authority. But it only sounds as much as a whisper coming in under the gunfire.

"Leave me here."

"Sir I can't."

"It's an order soldier, go look for help."

........

I am startled awake by the buzzing of my phone, after that nightmare I am very happy to see that it is Isabella.

"Morning soldier, thanks to you I dreamt of teenagers spanking each other."

"Hahaha now that is not my fault and I must say that is so not kinky at all."

"Well in my dreams I was a teenager so it was fun in my head."

"Mmmm don't go give me ideas now, I might just dress you up as a schoolgirl and spank you."

"Hahaha, you are absolutely impossible. Get your head out the gutter, it's almost time for lunch."

"Can't wait, see you just now Miss Stubborn"

"You better watch that mouth soldier."

I drop down on my bed and stare at the ceiling. I like this girl, I wonder how much she is going to like me though when she sees I am not all the man that she thinks I am.

I get up and rush to the shower, it is ten, and my father is going to have a good old fit because I slept in so late. What can I say, nightmares don't keep time, and they will come for you and keep you as long as they want.

I put my buddy on as I get dressed, yes that is what I call my prosthetic leg, after all, buddies are there to carry you, just this is not really the type of buddy you want.

I make my way to the kitchen, I can hear my father and Matt having a bitching session so early in the morning. My father is the first to say his five cents worth. "Ah look who has decided to finally wake up."

"Richard don't start your nonsense, why don't you go read your book, you very annoying this morning."

Matt nearly topples over as my mom slaps my father against the head. "You tell him, mom."

"You better watch your mouth," my father warns him. "You not too old to get a smack."

I only shake my head as this is never-ending. "Is this what you guys do every morning or should I rather say every day."

"He complains every morning about what I plan to do for the day," Matt explains as he moves a bit further away.

"Which usually is nothing," my dad says as he glares at Matt. "His damn eyes are stuck to that computer the whole day."

"I don't think I have the energy for that shit every morning." I wave them off as I head for the back door. "I am off to take Isabella for lunch. I should be back for dinner mom."

"You go have a good time, you can always bring her past here if you want."

"And let her listen to these two, I would rather not torture the poor girl."

I head out the back door and make my way up the path, today the walk goes much slower, my leg is hurting from trying to push myself so far yesterday. I will just tell her my body is sore from training with my brother.

I finally make it to her front door, before I even knock, it opens.

"Good morning soldier, I thought you weren't going to come."

"And not give Miss old Stubborn shit, why would I pass that opportunity up?"

"Well if you are ready then I am."

"Come let's go give this town something to talk about."

"Mmmm it sounds like you want to start a scandal."

"Do you feel like starting a scandal with me?"

"That depends."

"Now what would that depend on?"

"If you spank me."

"Hahaha, you are absolutely terrible."

"I just had to put it out there. Those goddamn dreams were horrible, thanks to you."

"Well, hopefully, you will be dreaming about me tonight."

"You pretty sure about yourself. What makes you think I will dream about you?"

"You have not stop staring at me for the past five minutes. You nearly walked into that tree."

"You would only know that I nearly walked into that tree if you were staring at me."

"I guess then we were staring at each other."

We get to the road that leads to the main road into town. She goes very quiet, I don't know if she is just nervous or if she is scared. Scared why I would not know, I think she has just had herself locked away from people for far too long.

"Hey, Miss Stubborn."

"Yes, soldier?"

"You here with me, I won't let these vultures eat you up, least of all Betty."

She takes my hand in hers, the soft touch of her fingers against my palm sets my body on fire. I swallow deep as my cheeks turn a bright pink.

"You okay there soldier."

"Never been better. We sure going to have the town talking now."

"Well, you did say you want to give them something to talk about."

"Well holding hands was not quite what I had in mind."

"Mmmm and what did you have in mind?"

"I was waiting for Betty to pop up then I was going to show you."

"There is an old lady over there frantically typing away on her phone."

I look on over the road to where the coffee shop is.

"Yes, that is old Betty. I am sure my mom knows we are here and a few of my ex-girlfriends."

"Well, are you going to show me now what you had in mind?"

I spin her around and pull her into my body. I lower my lips and brush it against hers. I kiss her and it feels like the world falls away. It is slow and soft, comforting in ways that words would never be. I clasp her face in my hands, my thumb caressing her cheek. She runs her fingers down my spine, pulling me closer. I can feel the beating of her heart against my chest. There is a fire between us, twisting and turning.

I pull her even closer until there is no space left between our trembling bodies, her warm fingers is grasping my waist, I am lost in her, I am lost in her kiss, and all my defenses give way before this mysterious girl. I pull away and rest my forehead against hers, our bodies are panting.

"Wow soldier, I did not expect that."

"Sorry I kind of got carried away there, I was aiming for a peck."

"Well your aim was far off there but I am definitely not complaining, now if it was that peck then I would have."

"Hahaha can never keep a woman happy. Now, how about that lunch."

We walk across the road past good old Betty, who has now shamelessly taken a picture, we are for sure going to be in her stupid little blog. Whatever keeps the poor old gal happy?

I take a seat across from Isabella. She is absolutely gorgeous, I see her differently now. It's like I had a taste into her soul. Her brown hair is hanging loosely over her face, framing her beautiful eyes. The smell of her sweet perfume is lingering in the air. It is intoxicating, every bit of her is just drawing me in. I want more of her, I want to kiss those soft lips again, feel her body tight into mine.

"What you staring at soldier?"

"At you Miss Stubborn."

"And what are you staring at me for?"

"Can I be bluntly forward?"

"Be as blunt as you want."

"You are beautiful and I want to kiss you again."

"Guess it is your lucky day because I want to kiss you again too."

I pull her closer over the table. Our lips touch. It feels like sparks are flying in every direction. It is a small yet warm kiss. I honestly never knew a kiss so innocent could be so intimate and electrifying. Our lips are moving in perfect sync, this kiss is deeper, more passionate. She makes me feel like nothing else but this moment matters. A smile grows on my face as we finally pull apart.

"For a soldier that has had no girlfriends, you sure know how to kiss."

"Hahaha for some old stubborn girl you sure know how to let loose."

"Be careful soldier, just now you fall in love with me."

I think she might just be right, I can see myself falling for a girl that's not going to want me when she sees the real me.

We have the best time that I have had in a while. She makes me forget about all my problems, all my fears, she is simply an amazing woman.

"Guess we better head on back soldier before lunch turns into dinner too."

"Maybe I want to keep you for myself a bit longer."

"Maybe we can go do it at that whore house of mine."

"Hahaha just as long as you don't spank me."

"Now that is a dream I can have tonight."

"Believe me I'd prefer that one too."

We slowly make our way back to her place. My leg is hurting like a bitch but I put on a brave face and push ahead. I can almost see it's bruised and bleeding.

We get back to her place. We are standing in the kitchen while she is making coffee. She slowly walks on over to where I stand.

"Do you know what soldier?"

She slowly starts unbuttoning my shirt.

"They say that soldiers have the best six-packs in the world."

"Hahaha, I think you just made that up."

She continues to unbutton my shirt.

"So take this off and prove me wrong."

She slips my shirt off and it drops to the floor.

"Mmmm this is damn hot."

She pulls at the buckle of my belt.

My body freezes...

"I think I must go."

I put my shirt on and head out the door.

"Fuck!"

I shout as I walk down the path. When I get home I go straight to my room and drop down on the bed. Tears start building up in my eyes.

I slowly pull my pants up and look at my leg. It is bruised and bleeding. To think that she nearly saw this bruised and broken man.

Fear has broken me into tiny uncountable pieces, shattered me like the worst ever disaster, ruined me in the cruelest way, and killed my soul brutally like there is no tomorrow. I fear to love, I want to love but I fear to be loved, to be accepted for who I am.

Love is supposed to accept all but does it truly accept all thing that is broken Isabella wanted me in all the ways I want her to have me, I wanted to feel a woman, touch a woman and be with a woman the way that a man should be but I could not.

She might be what I want but I am not what she needs.

I have just woken up from that never-ending dream that torments my sleep every night. My phone has been buzzing, as I reach on over to look, I can see it is Isabella.

"Is it something I did? Did I do something wrong? Please tell me why you left."

Just as I am about to put my phone down, it lights up again. It is Isabella.

"Come on soldier, you are killing me. What is going on?"

I put my phone back down without replying to her. How do I even explain to her how I feel, I am crazy for her, she gives me those butterflies that flutter in your stomach, she makes me finish my sentences the wrong way around, she is like a breath of fresh air after the rain. But I can't have her, so why should I tell her how I feel.

I decide to get my ass out of bed and have a shower. Just as I get up to go to the bathroom, there is a knock from my mother on the door."

"Clay. Clay are you awake?"

She does not wait for me to answer before she comes into my room. I am standing in my boxers, on my one leg leaning against the wall, watching the entire moment unravel.

"OH GOD CLAY NO WHAT HAPPENED?"

She runs towards me and grabs me by my shoulders, tears are streaming down her face. I can hear her voice tremble as she tries to speak. Her body shakes as tears continue to roll down her cheeks.

"Clay, what happened?"

I just stand there leaning against the wall, my fears are starting to come to surface. I can see the look in my own mother's eyes as she is staring at my amputated leg.

"God Clay please answer me. What happened?"

"I do not answer her, I don't know what to say, nothing I will say to her will make this better for either one of us.

"Clay please talk to me?"

I take a deep breath and hop my way back to bed. I can see the horror in her eyes as she watches me. This is my mother, if she acts like this, how will Isabella take it.

Finally, I speak.

"We went out on a routine patrol when we came under attack from a group of militia that moved into town the previous night. We could not fall back so we had to go through town. The road we went down was not swept for mines yet. Our patrol vehicle hit a mine, it messed up the front pretty bad and my leg got crushed between the seat and front panel."

I watch her before she speaks.

"But could they not...could they not save your leg?"

"No mom, it was pretty messed up as well."

"But why...why did you not tell us?"

"Because I knew how you were going to act and what dad was going to say."

"When did it happen?"

"My last deployment, three months ago."

I watch as she crumbles to pieces, she grabs me in her arms and hugs me like there is not shit for tomorrow. She cries, no not cry, she whales, it is the worst sound I have heard in months, I thought a soldier that is close to dying sounded bad, it is nothing close compared to my mother's crying.

"We must tell your dad."

"Not now mom, I am not ready. You know what he is going to say."

"What are you going to do now?"

"I don't know mom that is why I am here, so I can figure things out."

"But can't you go back to the core, get like a desk job or something?"

"If I can't do what I love then I don't want to do it."

"Oh Clay, I am so sorry."

We sit there for another few minutes and talk, after she leaves, I make sure to lock the door before I head to the shower.

As I hop out to dry and get dressed, my phone buzzes again. It is Isabella.

"Seriously are you going to be that type of man? You don't kiss a girl like that and then go all dead on me."

I so want to reply to her but I just can't, I know that the longer I spend time with her, the more I am going to fall and I am going to fall hard for her. And soon I am going to want her in ways which I can't, not that I can't perform, cause, believe me, I can, I can't let her see me like this.

I spend another hour in my room before I finally make my way out to the kitchen to grab some much-needed coffee. My dad and Matt are bickering as per usual.

"I am telling you, Matt, you won't go wrong if you go into medicine."

"And I am telling you dad that it is not going to happen."

"Well, what do you intend on doing with your life?"

"Dad it is my life, I will decide what I want to do with it when I am ready."

I think it is time for me to step in for I can see Matt getting frustrated.

"It feels like I heard this conversation yesterday already."

"It is because he has this conversation every day. Wait until he starts with you."

"Well dad will be getting the same answer from me and no I am not going into medicine. The closest I am getting to medicine is the painkillers that I will be taking for this damn headache I have had all morning."

My mom offers to go get me something from our medicine cabinet.

"Wait let me go grab something for you Clay"

She knows that I am referring to my leg. It is bruised up bad from all the walking of the past two days.

"I get the painkillers from her with a cup of coffee and head into the lounge where Matt is now sitting and watching some crime series. This is so going to grind my father's ass, his two useless sons sitting and vegetating in front of the television.

My phone buzzes again. It is Isabella.

"Okay soldier if you ain't coming to me then I am coming to you."

Well, that made no sense at all, that is at least what I think until someone is buzzing at the front door.

"Don't everybody get up all at once," Matt says as he gets up. "I will do ya all a favor and grab it."

I only but laugh at him "Look at Matty boy being so all considerate."

"If it is a hot chick then Matty boy keeps her."

"I think you have run out of girls to keep."

"Ya ya we will see, there is always a new girl in town."

Sometimes I do wonder about the boy, I mean, we can't be any more different than an apple and an orange. Who is the apple and who is the orange is left to be seen?

I hear him hollering some shit from the front door but I do not pay much attention.

"Are you deaf?" He slaps me against the head.

"Are you stupid?" I slap him in return.

"You not supposed to slap me back."

"You not supposed to slap me in the first place. Who was at the door?"

"Your girlfriend."

"I don't have a girlfriend."

"Yes you do, the girl that you were snogging at the coffee shop yesterday."

"How do you know...oh yes I forget, old Betty? So who was really at the door?"

"Me soldier"

My jaw drops to the floor and every moving muscle goes stiff.

"Isabella."

"Yes, that is me, well when I checked this morning it was."

"What are you doing here?"

"Coming to check why my soldier has gone AWOL."

"Keep those paws to yourself bro," I warn him playfully even though every bone in my body means it.

"I got a girl but if you don't want this one I can always make a plan."

"There is a bit smile that appears on Isabella's face. "Let's guess he is one of those guys spanking girls in my house."

"Hahaha, you dead right there."

"Says him, I can tell you quite a few stories about this boy." Matt starts off as he is ready to begin.

"Stories you will keep to yourself if you don't want your face broken."

"Why don't you go grab me some coffee soldier," Isabella says. "Matty can tell me all about them."

"Taking charge again I see. Grab a chair, I will be back in a second."

Now I have a stupid damn ass smile on my face. Why did she have to come show up here all good looking like that, the woman has got my blood boiling now. The minute Matt disappears I am so all over her.

I get her a cup from the fresh pot of coffee, check my hair in the reflection of the oven, and make my way back to the lounge. Her clever ass made sure to sit on the seat right next to me, fuck I just hope she does not try and touch me.

"So is this what you boys do all day?"

"This and argue with our father." Matt jokingly says.

"You argue, I just listen," I add.

Then completely of topic, Isabella turns to me. "Maybe I should have phoned you then cause there sure as hell is something wrong with your fingers."

"Maybe I was busy."

"Matt!"

"What? I don't know which hand you type with? What the fuck were you thinking?"

"You better start running because I am going to smack your wise ass."

"Now that you remind me, I need to get running, Elle is waiting for me. You two love birds can be alone."

Before I can even try and stop him, he is out the front door leaving me and Isabelle alone.

What do I do now, I mean I know what I want to do but I know she is going to want an explanation for what happened yesterday. So what do I do, the best thing a soldier can do, create a diversion?

Forget what you think you know about love because it is not real. To love you need to take that risk, you need to make that choice to fall. If you do not fall in love and experience that love, then it is not worth taking that risk at all. Falling is easy but love is hard. If love is hard, how easy would it take someone for what they are? To me, near impossible, I want to fall in love but I cannot give someone who I truly am. I would rather deal with my broken bones than a broken heart,

So Isabella loves taking charge, my successful attempts at ignoring her has blown up in my face, she has shown me that she is one over me, if I do not respond to her, she responds to me.

"Why have you been ignoring me, soldier?"

"I...I have been busy."

"Busy slapping your brother against the head busy?"

"No busy with other things busy."

"Like other things like ignoring me busy?"

"I...I did...I just."

She looks at me, tapping her finger on her chin, patiently waiting for me to spit the crap out that is about to come out of my mouth.

"I...I was..."

Just screw this!

I wrap my hand around the nape of her neck and pull her closer to my lips.

"What are you doing soldier?"

"Avoiding your questions Miss Stubborn."

My lips brush against hers, innocent and like a tease but it's not innocence that I want, I want fire and passion. I want to lose myself in her and in this moment. She pulls away, leaving our lips just inches away from touching."

"Soldier," she whispers my name.

"Isabella" I smile, prolonging each letter as if to savor them.

My heart flutters as she clasps her hands on either side of my face. Never before has any woman made me feel so good. I pull her body into mine and cover her mouth in a hungry kiss. As our lips crush together, it feels like I am walking on air, the way her lips fit perfectly with mine. Her mouth is so warm, the caress of her lips is soft, and she tastes better than I can remember. Desire and lust fill me, I open my mouth with a low moan.

"You are forgiven...for now," she whispers in my ear.

"If it was not for your mom standing there I would have definitely dropped those pants this time."

I am shocked to my senses. As I look at the entrance of the lounge, my mother, with the most sinister smile on her face, is standing and watching us.

"MOM! How long have you been standing there?"

"Oh me? I just got here. I wanted to come to check who is at the door."

"It's Isabella, the girl that lives up the mountain."

I know at this point that her curiosity has gotten the most of her, there is no way I can even try to tell her to leave us alone. Definitely not after our little display of affection, thank god Isabella spoke when she did because my hands were very near to start and wonder.

"OH HI, Isabella, I am Denice."

"Hi Denice, it's nice to meet you, soldier here talks a lot of you."

"Soldier?" my mom asks slightly confused.

"Isabella likes calling me soldier mom, I think it is because she has forgotten my name."

"HAHAHA," Isabella burst out laughing. "I still know who you are Clayton Jackson."

"Mmmm you going for the full name, normally I only get called Clayton when I messed something up."

"Well don't think that I have not forgotten you running out on me last night."

My mom sits analyzing the conversation not knowing if she should stay or should she rather go but I am pretty sure she has a good idea what Isabella is referring to. I watch her very carefully as she speaks.

"Sorry Isabella, that was my fault, he had to come to help me with packing up his room. Seeing that he is staying, we had to pack up his old stuff."

"I am sure he will make it up to me, won't you soldier?"

"I...uhm...I...I.." I stuttering like an idiot.

My mother jumps in again and it seems that she has a sneakishly brilliant idea, I just know that I am not going to like it. You never let your mom and your girlfriend talk, there is just something that does not sit well putting them both together. Now if you want all your embarrassing secrets out, you ask my mom and of course old Betty, and believe me, I prefer Betty's secrets and not my mom's

"Isabella," my mom speaks as a wicked smile forms at the corner of her mouth. "Have you seen his photos from the core yet? I see he has been hiding them away from me in his room."

"MOM! What are you scratching for in my stuff?"

"It was just standing there, I could not help myself."

"Just standing there does not mean you must climb into it. I was still checking which photos you can take."

"Well it is too late, I have already decided which ones I want to take."

"Bet it is all the ones I did not want you to have. And I swear if any of them lands up with old Betty!"

"Why Clay, I would never do something to you like that to you or your brother?"

"Yes, mom I believe you just as much as I believe that Matt does not have another girlfriend."

"Oh he does, I saw the two of them yesterday. Well, Betty saw them, not me, but she told me."

"Oh my god, what is wrong with this family. Nevermind us but with Betty?"

"Agh stop being so dramatic soldier, let me see those photos." Isabella excitedly says.

"Scoot up so I can sit next to you." My mom comes to wiggle herself between us as she sits down.

I only but look at the two of them and their eager smiles on their faces. "I am going to regret this"

She starts flipping through the ones they took the day I left to join the core. That was an amazing day, well for me at least, my mom could not stop crying and dad, just could not stop cursing. It was by far the happiest day of my life.

"Ahhh soldier you look so cute," Isabella says as she takes the photo from my mom.

"That is when he still had hair."

"Mom don't you dare!"

"But son, all soldiers lose their hair."

"Yes and not all soldiers like being seen without it!"

And like I can really stop her, she is already flashing the worst possible one she can find in front of Isabella's face were I believe, which other's will argue, is the photo where I almost have no hair at all

"Sorry soldier but that is near damn ugly."

"And there I thought you liked me for who I am and not my looks."

"I am an all looks kind of girl."

I just look at her as I think to myself (Well honey wait until you see my leg then, your all look kind of girl ass is going to be out the door.)

"I think it makes you look like a real man." My mom adds.

"Mom since when does a haircut make a man? I would like to believe I became a real man when I left for the core."

"You are a real man my son, I just wish sometimes that you did not have to grow up so fast."

She starts flipping through the photos again when all of a sudden Isabella shouts.

"STOP! I want to see that one."

Pointing to a photo my mom was just about to pass. A photo that the platoon leader took of me shirtless after a morning jog.

"Damn Denice, you surely know how to make your boys. Just look at those muscles. I am pretty sure you can melt butter on that chest."

"Isabella! You cannot say something like that to my old mother, you will give her a heart attack."

"Believe me heart attack is what I felt the first time that I saw it."

I almost near damn joke at my mother's next words. "Isabella I am sure your fingers can get lost in that curves."

"Mother! It's my stomach you are referring to! Can we please move on!"

Next, we just flip through a whole bunch of them showing me in uniform at base and on deployment. Most of the photos are of me and all my core buddies just messing around with a few serious ones. Until at last the torture is done or so I think...

"Wait!" she stops my mom again. "What is that one?"

(Fuck fuckedy fuck.)

Isabella is pointing to a photo, one of the very last photos that my core buddies took of me. A photo where I am laying in bed where you can see my amputated leg wrapped up in bandage underneath the blankets."

"Shit soldier. Did you get hurt down there?"

I look at my mother that is sitting next to her in absolute horror, the color has drained from my face as I look for the answer in my mother's eyes. She has saved me up until so far, can she save me again. I close my eyes and take a deep breath.

"Just a few broken bones, nothing major serious."

"Is that the leg you walk with so funny," she asks. "Did those bones not healed back the way they should of?"

"You know our soldiers, I did not stay off the leg when I was supposed to."

"At least you came back in one piece soldier that is all that matters."

"I guess it is."

"Well, that is enough of that then." My mom says as she gets off the couch. "Can I get you, kids, something from the kitchen?"

"Just a coffee if you making mom. It feels I can do with something strong at the moment."

"That would be nice, a coffee for me too Denice."

Isabella turns to me with that beautiful smile of hers. There is something on her mind, by the look in her deep brown eyes, it must be something important.

"Soldier, I never asked you why you got your bus ticket back home."