SAM

6 YEARS AGO

"It's inevitable. Dad's gone."

I struggle to catch my next breath as the momentous words are delivered to me. There he was, Marty, my little brother, the phone in his hands right now has turned into a rock, which is very light, but it's still noticeable that he has trouble lifting it.

"That?" I ask, my gaze locked into my little brother's green eyes. His green eyes teary at him. His face was getting paler every time, you could only see a small green flash of his eyes, and in my opinion it was not good at all.

What the hell are you talking about Marty?

"You hear me. Don't make me repeat it," he says, shaking his head.

I stand up and walk from one end of the office to the other, in disbelief. The rhythm always helps me clear my head. Returning to the desk, I lean over to Marty, whose head is in his hands. His body is shaking, and I am filled with terror.

"Marty, look at me," I tell him. He raises his head and looks me in the eye.

"Explain. What happened? What do you mean Daddy's gone?"

He takes a deep, shaky breath.

“Meredith just called me; she said she collapsed. They think it's a stroke. Mom is hysterical, ”she says hastily.

I walk away from him. My back hits the wall with a thud. In a daze, I slide to the ground, my eyes falling to the red loafers on the ground near where I'm sitting. My heart drops when I remember that my dad bought them for me a few years ago as a birthday present. I immediately look into a corner and I can relive that moment. His voice seemed to materialize at that moment.

“You are the eldest of the Carius family, Sam. Gosh, it's hard to take, but sometimes, I can feel like the weight of the world is on his shoulders. But always remember that I will be by your side, trying to lighten that weight a bit. The loads are less heavy when they are carried in company. And I also want you to remember that I will always love you as my firstborn. I am very proud of you Son."

Good God, the memory was so vivid. He told me that the day I graduated from college, when he was ready to take a management position in the company. It had seemed like a lot, but I felt like I could do it all because I had my dad. I didn't need anything else, with him I felt that I could take up anything that was given within the company, all his experience gained over the years. A man of incalculable value, that was my father, respected in business, loved by many and above all loved by his entire family.

But now, in a split second, everything has changed. I don't have it anymore And I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do. I am an adult man, but in this situation I feel like a child, who has been lost, who cannot find his way back home without the guidance of his father. The only thing that makes me different is that I do have a house, but when I come back I know I won't find my father there, ever again.

* * *

"Are you OK?" someone ask me

I look up to see the most beautiful hazel eyes I have ever seen. Too bad they belong to someone I'd rather not talk to right now. In fact, I'd rather not talk to anyone. I would have thought it obvious since I'm standing here in the dark while everyone else blends into the crowd and conversations go on all around me.

I buried my dad two days ago. The supporters have not stopped arriving yet.

"What are you doing here?" He turns me to the woman still standing in front of me.

She frowns.

"It's good to see you too, idiot."

I take a sip of the drink in my hand before speaking.

"Why are you at my house?"

“Mike, your dad died,” she says, confused.

"Yes. But that doesn't answer my question," I replied.

She rolls her eyes.

"What is your problem with me?"

“You broke my little brother's heart. And now you're standing here like you've done nothing wrong."

She blinks twice in a row.

“I talk to Marty all the time. We're good now, so why exactly is this a problem for you?

She crosses her arms over her chest, making her ample cleavage stand up even higher from her black dress. It takes a lot of willpower not to look down. The girl is gorgeous, but she's also my brother's ex-girlfriend.

"Because I don't like you."

"Well, right now, I don't really like you either, asshole," she says with a growl.

Now there is fire in her eyes. She is never far. Her eyes are passionate, ready to light up at any moment. It is always fascinating, provoking reactions in her. Those eyes are a window to her soul.

“Go away, Lisa,” I say, handing my cup to a waiter and walking away.

But of course she goes on. I pretend not to hear the sound of her heels behind me as she climbs the stairs. She's silent, and I can almost feel the anger reverberating from her. Lisa is a loose cannon. I'm sure the only reason she's not yelling at me right now is because of the number of people in the house.

"What is your real problem with me?" she asks just before she walks into my room. I groan softly, letting go of her goatee and turning to face her.

"Has anyone ever told you that you are annoyingly stubborn?"

"Many times," she agrees with a nod.

“It's good that you know, then. Bye," I say before closing the door.

"Idiot!" she screams

For a lawyer, she's not very quick with answers. In fact, I feel bad for future clients of hers. I'm about to walk away from the door when a piece of paper slides out from under it and I raise an eyebrow as I pick it up. There is something written on it.

It's okay to cry and scream, Sam. You are also human.

Lisa.

LISA

Deja vu.

It is that moment in which you feel that you have done something or experienced a particular situation before. You think a lot about where and when it happened. You try to remember, but the memory does not come. The details are hazy and it's almost as if you're numb to an experience you were presumably a part of. It is like being in a place where you have never been in your life, but you feel that you were there, and suddenly, as if nothing happened, your brain sends a signal that the environment is familiar to you, and not only the environment, everything that is in it, such as people, objects, situations that happen within that particular site. Quite strange about Deja vu, there are people who believe that they are experiences from past lives, which are reflected in the present during some moment of your own life.

I will never understand déjà vu. I've certainly experienced it before, many times, but right now, there's nothing fuzzy and no tingling sensations. This is not a forgotten experience. It's one I remember all too well. And it's an experience that I really hoped I never had to live again.

"I am going to be fired?" I ask in disbelief.

“I'm so sorry, Lisa, but we talked about this. Three strikes and you're out. Alex Rivas plans to sue the company,” my boss says with a slight frown.

“He is an asshole and a sexual offender. What did you expect him to do?

“He came here for the defense, not the prosecution! You were his lawyer; You were supposed to help him!

"Assholes like Rivas should go to jail," I sneer.

As Rein stands up, the scowl on his face becomes even more menacing. He is a good boss, he always has been, and also a good man. He gave me a chance when no one else did. I really hate to be letting him down right now. But what can I do, I just have to see it

"I want you to answer a nice question. Why did you become a lawyer, Lisa?" he ask me.

Lifting my head, I look directly into his dull blue eyes. The answer to his question is second nature to me now. It's something I've always known, I've always believed. The answer was very clear to me, I didn't need to think about it too much.

“I did it to stand up for justice, to make a difference, to help people.”

“Well, Rivas is also a person. You're a lawyer, dammit. Every human being has a constitutional right to one, whether guilty or not. I didn't ask you to take it out.

It was a lost cause. There was a witness and a lot of damning evidence. But was it really necessary for him to share information about the case with the prosecutor in charge? he asks.

"I am obligated to share evidence with the prosecution."

"Really? Information protected by attorney-client privilege?

"I didn't think they would catch me!" Shout.

Rein's right eye twitches.

“Yes, I'm done, Lisa. I can't do this anymore,” he says defeated before falling back into the chair.

Queen, please. I promise it won't happen again,” I start.

"I don't think so. What if you have to defend a murderer, huh? A rapist? Would you be able to do it and give it your all without feeling guilty and wanting to do the right thing?" Rein asks again.

I bite my bottom lip but don't respond. He already knows the answer to that question. So why answer him? It's even a little silly to tell him.

Rein sighs. “Every lawyer faces this dilemma, Lisa. We all go through this, and we do our best to do our fucking job. When you do shit like this, it's pretty clear you don't have what it takes, and don't look at me like that, you know I'm telling you the truth."

I clench my fists.

"I have what it takes," I say quietly.

“Think about a career change, Lisa. Become an activist, a philanthropist. I understand your need to help people, but it seems that being a criminal defense attorney is not for you."

"Are you still firing me?" Asked.

He nods grimly. I can't believe what I see, the image of him as a good and great person of him is fading right now.

“I'm sorry, Lisa, but there's nothing I can do. Those above are furious. Rivas was a major investor in the firm. You're lucky I was able to talk him out of suing you for misconduct. I wanted to see you disabled for a long time"

I nod repeatedly. I guess I have to be thankful for that. I don't regret what I did. It just sucks that I got caught.

"Okay. I know you did everything you could. You're right, maybe I'm not cut out to be a lawyer. I'll leave."

"I'm so sorry, Lisa."

I give him a shaky smile before leaving the office. I enter the elevator in a daze and go down to my office on the third floor. Part of me registers the dirty looks some of my coworkers give me. They've never really liked me. I'm too brash, too loud, too bold. I have never belonged to any of them, and now I have to go.

Oh god, Noel. What am I going to do with Noel?

"I heard that you were finally cut off."

I look up and see Richter Grace. She became a partner a few months ago and has been insufferable ever since. He is a jerk, as his name implies, with an inflated ego. He wishes he could wipe the smirk off his face.

Richer. Go away," I say dismissively.

He laughs, walking over and standing in front of my desk.

“It was just a matter of time, Lis,” she replies with a giggle.

I grit my teeth and mentally count to ten, so as not to yell at him and throw a stapler at his head. I am not small or short in any sense, so the nickname does not allude to that. The jerk shortened Lisa to Lis for some inexplicably annoying reason.

“Seriously, you don't leak confidential information about your clients and you don't expect to take on the music,” she continues.

"I'll maim you," I threaten.

He lets out a short whistle.

“Always so feisty. No wonder the attorney thing didn’t work out.” He pauses and his eyes soften. “If it’s any consolation, I’ll miss you.” He sounds genuinely sincere.

I mentally sigh. This is why you should never date someone at your workplace—one minute you’re enemies, fierce competitors, and then the lines blur. Richard’s a dick don’t get me wrong, but he’s a dick with a nice face who also happens to be very good in bed.

“Fuck off,” I say gruffly.

He laughs one more time before walking out of the office. I groan and place my head on the desk that isn’t mine anymore.

Where did I go wrong?

* * *

“You were fired!” my mom screams through the cell phone. Then she pauses.

“Who am I kidding? Of course you were fired.”

“Mother!” I yell in indignation.

“I always knew the criminal lawyer thing wouldn’t work out. You’re too rash, Lisa; you think with your heart and fists instead of the incredibly brilliant brain I gave you.”

“Excuse you, sweetheart, I’m pretty sure she got her brain from me,” my dad’s booming voice chips in.

“Hey, Daddy,” I greet with a smile.

“How’s my baby?”

“Fired,” my mom replies before I can.

I roll my eyes.

“Really, you got fired?” my dad asks in surprise, then he clears his throat. “I suppose it was only a matter of time.”

I rub my hands over my face.

“I need help here, guys, not judgment,” I groan.

“We’re not judging you, darling, we understand. So, what’s the plan now?” he questions.

“I don’t have one, Daddy. I lost my job thirty minutes ago,” I reply dryly.

“Come on, sweetheart, you should have been planning something. How are you going to afford rent in LA? Or the bills? You can’t do all that without a job, Lisa. If it was just you, I’m sure you could have managed, but it’s you and Noel. What do you plan to do?”

With a sigh, I rub my forehead.

“I have a migraine.”

I can almost picture my dad shaking his head. He’s a problem-solver, always thinking of the next step. He always has a solution; I’m just waiting for him to tell me what it is.

“Move back home,” he finally says.

“Say what?” I ask in surprise.

“You heard me, Lisa.”

“I thought you would offer to help me find another job. Use those amazing contacts you have here. Or at least lend me money. I can’t just uproot Noel’s life and move back to Arcola. What would I even do there?”

“You have a problem; I suggested a solution. I think moving home would be beneficial. You’d be closer to us, and I’m sure finding work would be a breeze.”

“Yes, darling, you could take over the coffee shop,” my mom suggests.

I raise an eyebrow.

“Really? The coffee shop?” I question. “I graduated summa cum laude from the University of Illinois. I went to law school and kicked ass there. I can’t work in a coffee shop.”

My dad snorts.

“If your ego were any bigger, your head would explode, Ms. No-Job.”

“I’m being serious here,” I tell them.

“So are we. You have two options, Lisa. Either move back to Arcola with Noel, or let Noel come live with us until you can find your footing again in LA.”

There’s a note of finality in his voice. Here’s the thing: I’m a daddy’s girl—the biggest daddy’s girl I know. If my dad tells me to do something, eighty percent of the time, I do it. I trust his judgment and he’s almost always right. But moving back to a town I swore never to return to? That’s a little extreme. How would I even cope? I’m used to the hustle and bustle of LA life. I don’t know if I can handle living in a small town.

Although, if I’m being honest, I’ve thought a lot about moving Noel away from here. LA’s not the best place to raise a kid. It’s expensive, and there’s a lot of pressure to meet societal expectations. It can be hard.

“I’ll call you in a few days after I’ve thought about it,” I say quietly.

“Excellent. I can’t wait to see Noel,” my mom says excitedly.

My eyes narrow.

“This is all just a plan to see your grandson more, isn’t it?”

“We can’t confirm nor deny that statement. Bye, baby,” my dad says before hanging up.

I shake my head as I start the car and begin the drive to my son’s school, even though it’s not time to pick him up yet. But I want a hug right now, and my son’s my only chance of getting one.

“Mama,” he yells, standing up from his desk and running into my arms.

I lift him into my arms and run my hands through his dark hair. I give his teacher an apologetic look. She had been in the middle of a class that I interrupted with my arrival.

“Noel, we talked about this. You need to ask for permission before getting up in class,” his teacher says with a frown.

“My mama’s here,” he states in confusion.

“Yes, I see that, but you should have raised your hand and asked if you could stand up.”

He blinks his hazel green eyes once.

“Why?”

I smile before turning to his teacher.

“I’m sorry, Miss Shaw, I shouldn’t have dropped by unannounced. It’s my fault,” I tell her.

She nods. “It’s alright, Ms. Lawson. He can gather his books and go.”

After getting all his stuff, I lead Noel to my red Prius. He waits until I’ve strapped him into his booster seat and started the car before pestering me with questions.

“What are you doing here, Mama? Why aren’t you at work? Is something wrong? Why did I have to leave school early—”

“Noel, breathe,” I interrupt softly.

He stops talking and takes a deep breath. I know he’s counting to five in his head. It’s something he does to help calm himself down when his brain goes into overdrive.

“Can I speak?” I question.

“Yes, Mama.”

“Alright, so first things first.” I take a deep breath before continuing. “Mama got fired from work today.”

He’s silent for three seconds.

“Why?” he asks calmly.

“Well, I may have done a terrible job at work and now I don’t have one anymore.”

“You’re not a lawyer anymore?”

“Technically, I still am a lawyer. I just don’t have a workplace anymore,” I reply.

“So, when are you getting another one?” he questions.

“I don’t know, monkey,” I tell him.

“There’s lots of jobs, right? Just go find another one.”

“It’s not that easy, baby. I’m not sure I want to be a lawyer anymore, actually. I don’t think I’m very good at it.”

“You’re the best lawyer I know,” he exclaims.

“And how many lawyers do you know?” I ask him.

“One,” he replies, making me chuckle. “But I know you’re the best.”

“I am pretty good,” I concede. “But not in the ways that really matter.”

“What does that mean?” Noel questions.

“I can’t really explain right now, monkey.”

“Okay. So, what will you do if you aren’t a lawyer anymore?”

He always asks all the right questions. Too bad I don’t have any answers for him right now. I find his eyes in the rearview mirror. They’re so inquisitive and bright. He’s only six years old but sometimes acts older than he is. Other times, he’s a brat, though. I love him more than life itself.

My little baby.