Goodbye, Mother: The Daughter Who Walked Away

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After my uncle and aunt died in a car crash, my mother brought my cousin home to live with us.

From that day on, I became a buy-one-get-one-free freebie.

She signed Renata up for an eight-thousand-dollar piano course, then signed me up too, because there was a half-price deal for two.

She took Renata to a five-hundred-a-head seafood buffet, and always dragged me along, because more people made it a better value.

My mother called it treating everyone equally.

Then we moved into the new house, and she bought Renata a pair of princess-style slippers she liked, and turned around and pushed a pair on me too.

"Second pair's half off. One each, so neither of you feels left out."

I looked down. Lace, synthetic fiber. I said quietly, "Mom, this material gives me a rash."

She paused for a second.

"Don't be so delicate. Wear them a while and you'll get used to it. Rennie likes them. If you two match, she won't read anything into it."

Those slippers sat in the most visible spot on the shoe rack. I never touched them once.

The whole family said I didn't know how good I had it.

Then my SAT scores came out, and I finally cleared the bar for the university I wanted.

But my mother insisted I go to the local teachers' college with Renata.

"Your uncle and aunt passed so young. Rennie's all alone."

"Same school, same major, same tuition and living costs. You can look out for each other, and no one can wag their tongue and say I play favorites."

In that moment, I suddenly felt how pointless it all was.

Only what Renata wanted was something I deserved to have.

What I wanted, I didn't even have the right to say out loud.

The piano was what she liked. The seafood was what she loved to eat.

I smiled and nodded and told my mother yes.

Then, before the application deadline, I quietly changed my school to an overseas university with a full scholarship.

……

My uncle and aunt both died in a car crash three years ago, leaving only my cousin Renata Fox.

Afraid she'd feel slighted, my mother took her in and raised her like a daughter of her own, telling everyone she met that she'd treat everyone equally.

Renata wanted strawberry cake, so my mother ordered two six-inch ones.

Then she turned to me and said, "Maxine, come have some. Mom bought a share for both of you."

But I don't like sweets. I forced down two bites and set my fork aside.

My mother's face dropped at once.

"Maxine, what's that supposed to mean? I buy you cake and you can't even be bothered?"

"I don't like sweet things."

"Rennie likes them. She just lost her parents. Can't you think about how she feels and eat some with her?"

My brother, Murray Pruitt, was slumped on the couch playing a game, not lifting his head.

"Yeah, you're her big sister — you should let Rennie have her way."

Renata set down her fork, her eyes reddening, and said softly, "Auntie, does Maxine not like me?"

My mother pulled her in at once.

"Of course not. She's just got that nasty temper. Don't mind her."

Then she turned and glared at me.

"Look at that. Rennie's so considerate, she even speaks up for you. And you call yourself her older cousin? Aren't you ashamed?"

I stared at the unfinished slice of cake, and something in my chest felt like it had been scooped out.

So this was what my mother meant by treating everyone equally.

Whatever Renata had, I had to have too, whether I liked it or not.

Junior year, Renata wanted to learn piano.

My mother signed her up without a word for the best piano school in the city.

The day she paid, she turned to me and said, "Maxine, you learn too. You two take lessons together, so she has some company."

I froze.

"Mom, I have to prepare for a competition. I don't have time for piano."

"You make time. Rennie can manage it, so why can't you?"

"I really don't have the time…"

My mother's voice shot up. "Rennie wants to learn. Can't you keep her company? Taking lessons alone is so lonely for her!"

My brother chimed in from the side. "Yeah, you're a good student anyway. Skipping a couple days of review won't drop your ranking."

I looked at the two of them, my throat tight.

Not one of them asked whether I wanted to learn piano.

All they cared about was whether Renata had someone with her.

In the end I went.

Two piano lessons a week, and I sat on the bench pressing the keys like a machine.

Renata got better and better, and the teacher praised her talent.

I stumbled through it, and the teacher gently suggested I might try a different instrument.

My mother wouldn't hear of it. "Maxine just doesn't apply herself. If she were as serious as Rennie, she could play well too."

That year's physics competition, I took second place at the state level.

If piano lessons hadn't eaten up my time and energy, maybe I could have taken first.

My mother had Renata's piano certification framed and hung it dead center in the living room.

My competition certificate she stuffed into a drawer, without so much as opening it to look.