3: 3

3

I was an only child. My parents had cradled me in their palms my whole life.

I didn't know why Barret was lying to me, why he'd say we had no son.

But I believed my own parents.

When I got to their place, the two of them were sitting at the dinner table, eating.

Mom looked surprised to see me come through the door.

"Jocelyn? Barret? What brings you two here all of a sudden?"

"Have you eaten? If not, sit down and have something."

I didn't answer. I went straight into the spare bedroom and started searching.

Barret was always busy with work, so I raised our child mostly on my own.

When I got bored, I'd bring him back to my parents' house, and there were plenty of Jerome's clothes and toys there.

I rushed into the spare room and yanked open the closet door.

The moment it opened, I froze where I stood.

The closet was empty. Not a trace of a child's clothes anywhere.

I still refused to believe it and started tearing through the rest of the house.

His scooter, his toy cars, his crayons.

All the things that used to be scattered everywhere were gone now, not a single trace of them left.

My parents were frightened by the way I was acting, and for a moment neither dared to stop me.

Mom's face was full of worry.

"Barret, what on earth is going on? What is Jocelyn looking for?"

Before Barret could answer, I'd already grabbed hold of Mom's hand.

"Mom, where are Jerome's clothes and toys? Where did you put them?"

Mom looked confused.

"Jerome? Who's Jerome? Is there anyone in this family called Jerome?"

The instant she said it, it hit me like a bolt out of the sky. I stood there, my lips working for a long moment, and I couldn't get a single word out.

Why?

Why were even my parents lying to me?

That was my own son. Why was everyone lying to me?

Seeing that Mom was still completely lost, Barret quickly explained the whole thing.

Once she understood, Mom came over to me, her tone half-scolding.

"You silly girl, almost thirty and still pulling something this childish. Playing jokes on your own mother now."

"Weren't you the one who didn't want children? So what's all this fuss about now?"

I couldn't take another word of it. I lost control and screamed at her.

"What is wrong with all of you? Why is everyone lying to me?"

"Jerome! That's Jerome! He's my child! Where on earth have you hidden my child?"

Seeing that I wasn't joking, Mom went into a panic.

"Jocelyn, what are you talking about? You don't like children. You're child-free by choice, just like Barret."

"Right after you two got married, your dad and I wanted you to have a baby, and you fought with us plenty over it. You said you loved your freedom, that you weren't ready to be a mother."

"All these years your dad and I made our peace with it. Your own happiness matters most. If you don't want children, then you don't. But what is this now?"

The more she spoke, the more frantic she got, her eyes brimming with worry for me.

When I said nothing, the tears came, rolling down her face in big drops.

"What's wrong, Jocelyn? Talk to Mom. Did something happen to you recently?"

"Don't scare your mother like this. Say something."

I forced my mouth open, wanting to say something, and found I couldn't make a single sound.

A moment later, I finally couldn't hold myself up any longer.

Everything went black, and I lost consciousness completely.

4: 4

4

When I woke again, I was in a hospital, and all I could see was endless white.

A nurse was changing my IV.

Seeing me awake, she smiled.

"You're awake, miss? Your blood sugar was low. You were unconscious when they brought you in."

"Don't worry, your husband went out to get you something to eat. He should be back soon."

I said nothing, just stared blankly at what her hands were doing.

Even after she finished with the IV and left the room, I kept my eyes fixed on her retreating back.

Then, all at once, something came back to me.

When I had Jerome, the birth hadn't gone smoothly. I'd labored for hours and still couldn't deliver.

In the end, on the doctor's advice, I'd switched to a C-section. Jerome was born by cesarean.

During my recovery I even joked with my mother.

I'd given birth once and gone through the pain of both a natural birth and a C-section.

I bolted upright, threw back the blanket, and yanked down the waist of my pants.

What I saw made my pupils shrink.

The spot on my lower belly, where the scar had always been, was completely bare.

That scar was from the C-section, and it still itched a little on rainy days.

But now my lower belly was smooth, without the faintest trace of any scar.

The strength drained out of me and I dropped back onto the bed.

Before I ended up in this hospital, I'd believed the whole world was lying to me.

But now, for the first time, I doubted myself.

My husband could lie to me. The preschool teacher could lie to me. My father and mother could lie to me.

But my own body? Could that really lie to me?

While I was still lost in a daze, Barret pushed open the door.

His hands were full of things.

He set them down on the nightstand one by one, talking as he went.

"You scared me half to death. How did you just faint like that? Thank goodness the doctor said it was only low blood sugar."

"These are the soup dumplings from that place on the west side, your favorite. And this, this is the wonton soup I got packed up special from the shop by our gate. You always want this when you're not feeling well."

"And this is the fish soup Mom made. It's really fresh. Do you want to try some?"

When I didn't answer, Barret showed no irritation at all.

"The doctor said you should eat something light for now, nothing that would upset your stomach."

"See if there's anything here you feel like eating. If not, just tell me what you want and I'll go buy it."

Only then did I slowly turn my head to look at him.

Three years dating, seven years married, a full ten years together. Barret and I had always been close.

He put me first in everything, my feelings before his own.

Even after everything that had happened today, when in everyone's eyes I was the one making trouble over nothing, there wasn't a word of blame from him, only worry filling his whole face.

I couldn't bring myself to say anything more, and only nodded.

"I'll have the wonton soup. It's been a while."

After I ate, the IV had just finished, and Barret got up to call the nurse to take out the needle.

But watching him walk away, I couldn't shake the feeling that something was still wrong.

After thinking it over, I called my oldest friend, Lavinia Butler.

"Lavinia, are you free? Want to come over to my place in a bit?"

My parents and Lavinia's parents were good friends, and we'd been neighbors since we were kids, practically raised together from diapers.

After I got married and had a child, Lavinia naturally became Jerome's godmother.

Lavinia and I were the kind of close where one of us could kill and the other would hand over the knife.

There wasn't a single person in this world I could trust one hundred percent.

But Lavinia, I knew for certain she would never lie to me.

Barret and I hadn't been home long when there was a knock at the door.

Before I could even get up and speak, Lavinia's voice came through the wood.

"Jocelyn! Get over here and open the door! The toys I brought for my godson weigh a ton!"

"Where's my godson? Is he asleep? Go wake him up."

"I've been away on business, and his godmother has missed him to death!"

It hit me like a lightning strike.

For a moment I froze right where I stood.