And at this time, my heart started pounding very hard upon hearing his voice becoming loud and strong.

"I'm sorry-"

My appropriate apology hung in the air again when he rudely snapped my face using the back of his palm. Another bruise was awarded to my face because of the bravery I did.

I deserve it.

"How hard is this thing I’m asking you to do, huh?!" He strangled me and presented my innocent face to his demonic eyes. "Just drink that to get pregnant, Kris! What's so hard to do there?!"

"I-I don't want to." My shaking hands grabbed his hand that was strangling my neck, and using my remaining strength I tried to remove his hand from strangling me.

"You're just giving me more reason to hurt you!" He pushed me hard and just as my back hit the side table, the flower vase fell on my head. "I'm looking for a way, Kris, to get you pregnant. I'm doing everything so that at least one child from the two of us can be born. All I’m asking for you is just to cooperate! Is that too much to ask?!”

I felt blood dripping from my head where the vase broke. Even though it hurt with a little pain, I didn't mind it for this time. I think I need to explain my side to Liam.

"If you are not tired of hoping that we will have a child, I hope you will think of me as well. I don't want to hope for that to happen anymore because I have accepted for a long time that the only thing I can take care of is the child that did not come from my womb."

And maybe because I talked back to him, he immediately came to me and pulled me upright... and then using the back of his hand, he slapped me... falling back to the floor.

"Could you stop talking like that, Kris?! This doesn't make any sense! If you're so weak-minded to give up immediately that we could make a child, definitely not the same as me!" I could see his feet starting to walk towards me, and my whole body starting to shiver.

"Honey…" He sat in front of me and brushed my messy hair from my face. Even though I was shaking, I tried to get away from his sinful hand, but he still can reach me through his hands. "Don't force me to hurt you anymore. I love you so much-"

"You don't love me," I whispered. "A person who knows how to love doesn't know how to hurt. If what you are doing to me is still called love..." My eyes met his eyes with tears. "Why are you hurting me? You're choking me."

"I'm going to beg you, Liam. Stop insisting me to get pregnant. Sarah is enough-"

"No." What I thought was his gentle face turned into a scary one. "My dad will never accept that child, Kris! He will never accept the child we just picked up from the orphanage as a grandchild! So, whether you like it or not, you have to get pregnant!" He took my hand and forcibly took me to the kitchen.

He poured the contents of the new Chinese herbs he took from the fridge into the glass and forced me to drink it, but I insisted not to open my mouth despite his insistence.

"You won't drink?" He squeezed my cheek hard and forced my mouth to open. "Drink it--"

"Liam! What are you doing with Kris?!" Mother Minda suddenly came to the kitchen, so what Liam was planning to do with me was interrupted. "Dear! Do you still see what you are doing to your wife?!"

And Liam just stared at me the whole time processing his mind about what he has done to me. He was just stunned as he gradually moved away from me, and as if he's not aware that at this moment, he's starting to shed tears.

"Lock me in my study room, please."

Liam seemed to be out of his mind when Mother Minda led him to his study room. There, he sat on the long, black sofa as if he still wasn't coming back to his senses. And Mother Minda left the room, locking the door before she got back to me.

"Are you okay?" she asked me worriedly, but I seem to have adapted to my husband becoming stupor. "Wait a minute, I'll treat your wound."

"Mother Minda," I called her so she couldn't continue to leave. "Haven't he taken some treatments?"

"My kid doesn't have a mental illness, Kris. He doesn't need to take any medicine or undergo any treatments. He's fine," she answered with a smile before turning her back on me.

But, I'm not convinced. I've been married to him for almost a decade, and he's always like that. I guess it has become their routine that whenever Liam hurts me because he can't even control himself hurting me, Mother Minda will come to stop him. And then the next thing happened... she locked him in his study room just to make sure he couldn't get close to me and hurt me.

And then now... Nay Minda wanted me to believe that there's nothing wrong with my husband? That he is normal? No! He really needs to be treated. I need to know what his illness is... and this is the least I can do for him as his wife.

Because I'm tired of him hurting me almost every day every time he comes home from work. That whenever I did even a little mistake in his eyes, he would make it a big deal.

"Kris, don't think about anything else..." When Mother Minda returned with the first aid kit, she immediately sat in front of me to begin the treatment. "Don't think that your husband is not normal. You can't blame him if because he wants you to have a child, he suddenly becomes a different person in your eyes."

"And if you are thinking of leaving and breaking up with him just because you think he has a mental problem, you should always remember that God bound you to him with your love for each other."

I just laugh at the back of my mind. Earlier, she sounds like she's encouraging me to leave this house. And then... a sudden change of mind had happened. What kind of life did I really enter?

"The study room was locked again?" Sarah asked with a frown when she entered the house. She's back from school.

"It's not really a big matter, baby--"

"Daddy is locked inside again, isn't he?" she asked innocently, that even if I wanted to explain the events to her, she really wouldn't understand how serious the matters are. "Daddy's not a bad guy! Let him out, mommy! He promised to help me with my homework today," she said with a sneer.

"I'll do it then." I showed her my fake smile before I brought my daughter inside her room. In that way, her attention will be diverted to the study room where her daddy is imprisoned.

I hope he'll never come out there. My life could've been peaceful if he's not around, anyway. My life would have been better if I refused his proposal to me back when his love for me was still visible in his eyes.

Can't imagine my 'I do. I want you to be my husband' turns out to be 'I don't want this fvcking life anymore!'

With Liam's request with regards of drinking those Chinese herbs in hopes that I could get pregnant, I did it against my will. If I let my stubbornness prevail again, I'm only bringing myself closer to danger. I'm human too... I still feel pain by Liam's hand and leg blows every time he loses his temper.

"Your Mama Imelda will come later, Kris," said Mother Minda from the kitchen while I was in the living room watching TV. From here, her voice reached its peak, adding that the two of us were the only ones at home since Sarah went to school and Liam went to the hospital early. "Didn't you promise her that the next time she comes here you will cook her kare-kare?"

"Well, until now I still haven't gotten the mixture right. I often put too much peanut butter. She might criticize my cooking again just in case," I answered indifferently while still focusing on what I was watching.

That happened last year. It was my birthday and when I promised my mother-in-law that I would cook her a delicious Paella, I agreed... she only criticized it because it tasted too salty. I wonder what kind of wife I am if just cooking simple food is very difficult for me to do. Such embarrassing insult I’ve received from her that night and I promised myself that I would never do it again.

Well, I don't really have any talent in cooking. I'll just waste my energy studying, besides I'm the one who hates oil, spoons and pans.

"You and Liam have been married for over a decade, dear," replied Mother Minda who looked like she was done washing the dishes. She went to the living room and sat on a single-seater sofa where she could clearly see my face. "It's not bad if you make efforts to reconcile with your mother-in-law."

"I won't expect her heart to soften towards me anymore." My attention shifted to Mother Minda and as much as I could, I tried to make the smile on my lips better. "From the day I forced them to adopt Sarah as their own grandchild, I know I hurt her too much. Despite my deep reason as to why I wanted to adopt Sarah is because I want to make our family whole and happy, I might say she doesn’t care about where I’m coming from. And from that moment, I knew she started her hate towards me.”

That's why mom can't accept Sarah as a granddaughter. She has always been against my plan to adopt a child from an orphanage. Fortunately, I forced Liam to agree... so because of Sarah, Liam and I's dream family became complete, and in fact he even wanted us to form a basketball team. However, that might be impossible because my womb don’t cooperate.

"You can't blame Madam Imelda if she feels bad for you. If you had just continued taking the herbs you are taking now, or agreed to surrogacy, maybe your relationship with your mother-in-law would have been better ."

"I can endure drinking herbs," I muttered in between laughs, "but surrogacy? A baby is not food to be placed on any woman's ovary. That is something I cannot do in the name of having our own child."

I took the remote from under my butt because I didn't realize that I was sitting on it. And then I turned off the TV before getting up from my relaxing seat.

"Don't even mention to Liam that I'm leaving today," I begged. "I just have to make sure that Liam has no signs of having a mental disorder."

Her face showed disapproval. "Why are you insisting that Liam has a mental problem? Didn't I already tell you--"

"You can't blame me for suspecting him of having a mental disorder. You're not the one he's hurting, that's why you couldn't notice how his behavior changed from time to time."

"Mother Minda…" I came closer to her to touch her already rough palms. A forced smile curved my lips as I continued speaking, "I'm doing this to save our family and… our relationship. I'm his wife… and I'm responsible for taking care of his health. For now that his condition isn't that bad, if anything, then we can treat him.”

"Believe me or not… I really don't want to devastate our relationship… and our family. I love them both. I love Liam despite the way he hurt me. I have loved him as much as I loved him in the old days."

"My love for him remained despite him breaking his promises to me on the day I said 'yes' to his proposal... and on the day I said 'I do' to him on our wedding day."

"So, please… don't let Liam know that I left the house today. I just have to do this for his own sake. Please?"

And the good old woman did nothing but let me out. I have trust in her that she will not say anything to my husband about this. That's why I left the house early to meet my psychiatrist friend. I did not inform Mother Minda that the friend I was about to meet is a guy. For sure, she’ll never allow me to go out because she knows once Liam finds out I’m meeting a guy, whether he’s just my friend, I know my husband well. He can kill without mercy.

First of all, most of my friends are boys. So, Liam strictly forbids me to meet them. He makes even my friends jealous... and he's so suffocating. Even my contact details to them, Liam got rid of those. Phone numbers, and even my social media accounts. That was all deleted. Even creating a social media accounts, I don't have freedom.

That's how jealousy turned my husband to be the man I'm not expecting him to be.

*****

"Carrying so much anger, it's like you're losing yourself. Is that so?"

I nodded. "And after he realizes he has abused me, he will suddenly asked Mother Minda to imprison him in his study room. As if he's stopping himself from harassing me."

"Uhm, Kris," Logan's terrified voice was all I heard. "This is the only thing I could advise you as of now..."

"What?"

"Dissociative Identity Disorder is very rare." I just remained silent, waiting for him to explain that disorder further. "And I think your husband seemed to be diagnosed with having this disorder. These people have many personalities... and maybe the abusive one is the other side of Liam."

"So, the best thing I could advise you is to live with Liam separately. You will not be safe if you are always with your husband, Kris. He should've been brought to a healthcare facility, so we can help him treat his disorder."

I clenched my trembling fist. Logan's suggestion was actually the one I should've done now. For Sarah and I's safety, the only thing that comes with my mind is to escape.

"Based on what I heard from you, one of the symptoms of DID is that he suddenly becomes a different person in front of you without any specific reason. It's because a person diagnosed with this kind of disorder tends to have over 100 alters in their personalities." Logan got his pen pointing to his temple, as if he's thinking something. "I need to see your husband by myself, Kris. It's not enough for me to know from you what he does or what happens to him day after day."

"I can see his symptoms, yes. But as a professional, I shouldn't diagnose a person having this kind of illness without checking him by myself."

"Looks like I'm going to have trouble with that part, Logan," I mumbled with honesty. "Even Mother Minda doesn't want to believe that my husband might have a mental disorder. And if I try to convince Liam to get checked up, I would just bait myself to get beaten by him again."

Liam's a health worker. And by attempting to tell him about my suspicions about his behavior I have noticed in him lately, he will surely be offended. After all, no one could ever accept the idea of ​​them... having mental disorder---if ever my husband really has.

"You must find a way, Kirsten. The welfare of your husband, yourself and your child depends on this. I have to check him up by myself just to make sure the symptoms really are related to DID. Because if that's the case... you need to keep yourself and your child away from him. That's the best thing you can do," he added.

"But I'm his wife," I protested, not even bothering to wipe the tears that escaped from my eyes. "I promised him in church that in sickness and in health, I will always be by his side. Through thickness and thinness, I will remain his wife."

"I'm fvcking tired of getting beaten by him, actually. There's no place for the wound anymore on my body because he's filled all the space. And there isn't a night that he doesn't succeed in making me cry before bed. Over a decade of marriage, or over the ten years I have shared with him my life on one roof, he has never made me feel loved, treasured and protected."

"What he felt and gave me was pure pain, sorrow, resentment and crying. His beautiful promises he had pledged to the Lord on the day of our wedding turned out to be the opposite of those." I was smiling the whole time while speaking bitterly. "Despite that, I still don't have enough reason to leave him. It's still not enough for me to abandon the promises I made to him in front of God. Promises are made to be fulfilled, not just for people to say something and to increase the promises that were broken."

"I am still Liam's wife. Sometimes I think of running away from the house or breaking up with him, but at the end of the day... I also suddenly realize that running away is not the answer to our current problem. Especially now that I know my husband needs me if ever his mental state is not okay. Instead of beating my hasty retreat from him, I should've stayed."

I closed my mouth to breathe a little while. "I will do my best to bring Liam to you. Even if it costs my life to suffer the hell out of him again, I will do just to bring him with you."

And I was about to leave his office when he spoke, "You deserve someone better, Kris. You can keep your promise to him. But, staying with a man who couldn't even love you from ten years of marriage is too much to sacrifice."

"Don't settle to be with a man who couldn't even treat you better, Kris."

I completely turned away from him but my legs stayed in place. "And my promise to him is to love him eternally. I promised to love him as long as my heart keeps beating, and as long as I'm still breathing. To the mountains and back, I shall love no one other than the man standing as my groom on our wedding day."

"It literally hurts to love him, but I will always be willing to endure the pain," my last words before leaving his office.

*****

Here I am again, having problems waiting for the taxi going home. It's still early, Liam is definitely not at home yet. As for weekdays, he always comes home late at night, so I don't have to worry. And I didn't bother to bring a car with me since Mother Minda just helped me run away from home earlier. The bodyguards don't know that I left the house... and I'm still hoping I won't get caught.

"Kris!"

I turned around when I heard Logan's voice. He ran up to me and handed me the handkerchief that I had left in his office.

"You forgot--"

"Why is my wife outside the house?" Logan didn't finish what he had to say when I saw my husband walking behind him, looking at Logan badly.

"Care to explain why you forbid me, wife?"

I was afraid to look away from Liam. Even though I couldn't see it, I knew that at this time, he was staring at me as well as Logan.

"I'm her friend--"

"I'm not talking to you." Liam walked towards me as he held my wrist harshly. "You owe me an explanation."

Logan's eyes showed a lot of concern for me but I just signaled him not to interfere. Even against my will, I let Liam pulled me inside his car.

And from his hold, I could sense another war was about to happen. The fire inside him began to burn... and a minute from now, I will, again, metamorphose into ashes.