F A R A H

I was busy with my thought when I heard the ping on my phone. Which is a  message from Jawad.

Mom is picking you up tomorrow to shop for the wedding dress. The way he wrote the wedding dress with exclamation mark made me think otherwise.

I replied with an 'Okay' keeping my phone on the nightstand making sure it's in silent mode and lay on my bed, before I know it, I fell into a deep slumber.

                            •••

I was working on some files that needed to be printed out when I heard the landline phone ringing.

“Hello” I answered politely.

“Where are the files I asked you to bring” Jawad spoke in a low tone, the way he speaks tells me he's not in a good mood.

“I'm sorry sir, I will bring it right aw...” he didn't even let me finish and he hung up what's this supposed to mean. We are not even married but he's showing his true self. Ya Allah help me! I prayed.

I gathered the files from my desk drawer and quickly made my way to his office. knocking on it, I heard him say 'come in'. Before entering I mouthed hasbunallahu wa ni'imal wakil and breath in and out to keep me calm. I opened the door and entered.

“Here are the files sir,” I said in a low voice, keeping the files on his desk after I notice he didn't even glance at me. I was about to leave when he finally opened his mouth.

“Mom is coming by 2 O'Clock, you can leave early” he lifted his face and our eyes met. I quickly avert my gaze.

“Okay,” I answered. I left his office hurriedly closing the door behind me.

I don't know why Aunt Khadija did not call me herself.

I checked my phone and it is 1:00 o'clock I have one hour to get back home and get ready; I don't want to keep Aunt Khadija waiting. 

As I reached home, I greeted my mom by kissing her in the cheeks.

“Farah what time is Aunt Khadija picking you up,” she asked. so she also knew.

“She's coming by 2:00 o'clock” I shouted, I was already halfway to my room.

I took a warm shower, it has become my habit whenever I came back from work the first thing I do is to take a shower. I perform my wudhu and prayed Zuhr.

wearing a polka dot blouse, I tied my hair in a bun and place on my black scarf. Taking my phone and purse, I rushed down. I checked the time 5 mins to 2 o'clock she will be here anytime now. I didn't finish closing my thoughts when the doorbell rang.

“It must be Khadija,” Mom said while peeling Apples.

“Yes, I will get the door” I walked toward the door; opening it revealing Aunt Khadija, wearing a lovely dress and with a floral scarf wrapped on her hair.

“Assalamu Alaikum Aunt Khadija”

“Wa alaiki Salam Farah” she embraces me in a hug, aunt Khadija is a kind-hearted woman. The moment they saw each other with mom, their face lit up with happiness. They embraced each other in a hug. After chatting for a while about the wedding preparation we decided to leave.

“Okay Farah, let's get going the driver is waiting outside,” she said.

“Take care, I know if Yasmin comes back she will throw a tantrum that you didn't take her with you” Mom interjected. We both laugh.

Our car came to a halt in front of a big shop. Upon entering the shop, my mouth hung open seeing how the shop is filled with beautiful wedding dresses. A lady approached us.

“Assalamu Alaikum Mrs. Abdallah,” the lady said. she knows  Aunt, which means Aunt is a Customer here.

“Wa Alaikum Salam Fadila, we are here for the dresses”

“Okay Ma'am Follow me” the lady called Fadila said. She leads us to a room where VIP was written boldly on the top.

Fadila brought many dresses which I can't even count t

“Farah try these ones let's see which one will fit,” Aunt Khadija said.

I tried almost all the clothes, With Aunt not liking them. After much digging, we finally choose some.

“Let's choose this for the Walima” Aunt declared, eyeing the ash Abaya with emerald stones design at the front while the back has a small bow tie around the waist area.

“Masha Allah this will fit perfectly” Fadila chirped in.

“We will take those Fadila” aunt announced pointing at a pile of dresses of different designs laid on the Sofa.

After going around shopping at numerous shops we decided to feed our stomach, stopping at a restaurant.  Aunt said we should order take out, the moment we went back to the car I started digging in, I completely forgot about mother-in-law that is sitting beside me because I was very hungry food is life. You can't do without food.

Around 6:00 we finally drove back to my house the driver helped me with the bags, I bid aunt Khadija goodbye.

“Goodnight Farah extends my greeting to your Mom, I can't go in as it's getting late already”

“Insha Allah”

I entered the house spotting my mom sitting in the living room holding a cup h while Yasmin is sitting beside her.

“Mom I'm back” I announced

“Welcome back, Yasmin go and help your sister with the bags” the way Yasmin was frowning her face tells me she's angry we didn't take her along.

“I can't wait for the day sis Farah, In less than five days you will be married” it’s very easy to calm Yasmin I changed her mood from frowning to smiling I will surely miss my little sister. Just the thought of living my house made my body weak.

“Are you that eager to see me get married?” I asked after we kept the shopping bag aside.

“It's not like that, I'm just happy,” she explained. I could see her expression it's like she's holding back herself.

“You know, I'm not leaving you and Mom forever, we will still be getting in touch.” I reached for her hands, squeezing them.

“I know, I will surely miss you sis Farah” a lone tear fell from her eyes. knowing how my little sister is, she can't hold on for too long. pulling her In for a hug, I rub circle on her back.

“I will miss you too, and Mom too”

•••

F A R A H

I can't believe I'm getting married today, it feels so surreal. I stared at my reflection in the mirror, dressed in the Ash Abaya, my face decorated with makeup, with henna on my both hands. I touched the gold bangles on my hands Mom gave me that papa has been keeping it for my marriage. I look totally different. A small drop of tear roll down my cheeks I wish papa was alive to witness this day, to see his daughter getting married.

The door flung open revealing my Mom dressed in her beautiful purple Camisole gown. I wiped off the tear not wanting to spoil my mom's mood she's very happy about the marriage. She trekked towards me, with a smile on her face.

“My daughter you look beautiful, I know if your papa was still alive he will be happy too” the tears I've been holding escaped.

“No Farah, don't... It will ruin your makeup” mom said wiping off the tear with her palms. I can't help it.

“I will miss you” she added.

“I will miss you too Mom” just then Yasmin came in clearing her throat.

“Okay, enough with the crying, the guests are waiting for the bride,” Yasmin said happily. I suddenly felt nervous

“Let me go, you come together with Yasmin,” Mom said and she went out leaving us two.

“Sis Farah, you look so beautiful, if Jawad sees you he won't take his eyes off you” she chuckled if only what she said will be true.

We descended down, Yasmin holding me by my arm. My heart is suddenly beating faster. I heard the sound of people muttering 'Masha Allah' my head is down all through. I'm damn nervous. I sat beside Jawad who is looking very handsome, as I watch him my heart skip a bit because of the way he looks at me, I can't read the expression on his face.

“So let's start,” the imam said bringing us out of our trance.

After signing the marriage certificate the imam pronounced us husband and wife. Now I will live with Jawad for the rest of my life.

                             •••

“Come on Farah, don't act like a kid, you're now a married woman” I held her tightly. My makeup is now ruined with too much crying. I don't want to leave my Mom. Holding my face, she kissed my forehead.

“My baby don't cry, it's not like you're leaving us forever, in fact I know Khadija will take care of you like her daughter. So I want you to stop crying” mom said fake frowning, I know she's holding back her tears too, she's just pretending.

After Mother and daughter bonding, we drove off, now I'm left with Jawad. I broke into another sob remembering how I left my family. Before we left I saw a drop of tears on Mom's face I know she's holding it in. As for Yasmin, we cried in each other's arms not wanting to let go. I'm going to miss my family.

Throughout the drive, Jawad didn't even glance at my direction. I know he's also being forced but he should at least show some respect. I wiped away the tears it’s of no use now.

As we enter the massive mansion we were greeted with the presence of the family, Aunt Khadija embraces me in a motherly hug.

“You look beautiful Farah” aunt said touching my cheeks

“Thank you” I muttered, not having more strength in my body.

After passing through all the welcoming things from the Jawad family, I was taken to my room or should I say our room.

My eyes linger at the big king size bed now I will be sharing a room with Jawad and that the same bed, just me and him. The thought made a shiver ran down my spine.

I sat quietly on the bed contemplating on what to do next, since the time we came I didn't see Jawad again Allah knows where he went off to.

I was deep in my thought when I heard the sound of footsteps, I tried holding in my beating heart. He marched to the closet and took out some blanket.  What is he using the blanket for? My inner mind asked. He dropped it on the floor.

“You should sleep on the couch because I don't share my bed,” he said emotionless. What is this supposed to mean?  I was just about to speak when he cut me off.

“And before you ask any further question let me make something clear for you, this marriage is absolutely nothing to me, In fact, I agreed to this marriage because of my own reason, so don't give your hopes high about this marriage” he spat. my body went weak hearing his statement.

Marching to the closet again, he took out some clothes and head to the bathroom. He was about to enter then stopped.

“Oh and make sure this conversation stays between me and you, if you don't want to get yourself into trouble”  with that he entered the bathroom closing the doors.

My body went completely weak, I don't know what to think, a painful tear escapes me ya Allah what just happened. So this is what he meant at that time when he told me I will know him when we get married. All the smiles are fake.

It was supposed to be a night filled with happiness and peace but it seems I thought too highly about this marriage.  Ya Allah.

I don't know for how long I sat there, totally shocked. Many thoughts were running inside my mind. I turned at the bathroom door being opened. He was now dressed into a shirt and jeans, he didn't cast a single look in my direction. Slouching himself on the king-sized bed, which is too big for him, he switched off the light not minding that I'm in the room.

I managed to get myself off the couch, taking my Nighties, I trekked quietly to the bathroom, glancing at him through my left eyes. I don't know if he's really sleeping or pretending to.

I changed out of my clothes, and did wudhu and prayed two Raka'at. Ya Allah, whatever hardship I'm going to encounter in this marriage make it easier for me.

   •••

F A R A H

I woke with a neck pain due to uncomfortable position I slept in. checking the time on my phone showing 7:00am  I miss fajr prayer.

I made my way towards the bathroom, glancing at the now empty bed.  Last night event ran through my mind. I felt  something warm dropping from  my eyes, I wiped it off not wanting to remember his words but  my mind keep recalling it.

This marriage means nothing to me

After spending almost fifteen minute sitting on one position, I managed to take my bathe. I felt much better; I prayed salatul fajr which I missed.

I went  down to greet my in-laws, aunt Khadija and uncle Abdallah are seated across each other while Jawad is seated in one of the chairs beside uncle. His face shows nothing just blank.

“Good morning aunt”

“Good morning Uncle” I greeted them trekking to the dinning.

“Morning Farah, you can call me Mom, get sited” she said.

I glance at jawad whose eyes is on me indicating me to act normal like he cares.

“Here” Aunt placed two toasted bread with scrambled egg on a clean plate, pushing it to my side.

We ate breakfast quietly, without much conversation. I took the plates to the kitchen, even though Aunt insist I  leave it the maids will take it but I still insist. The kitchen is very big; it’s even bigger than my room.

After helping the maid Ms Fatima, from what Aunt Khadija told me, that she had been working for them for so long, she doesn't have a child and her husband passed away 2years ago. The moment I met the woman i like her.

Washing my hands, i went up to our room, I'm not sure if i should call it our room after what Jawad confessed yesterday. He was seated on his bed as he claimed With his laptop, even though we've been given 1week off work but he's still working. I rolled my eyes walking to the closet taking out a simple dress,  I was just about to enter the bathroom when his voice resonate to my ear.

“Mom and dad are leaving today” he stated without looking up. I felt my heart radiate in my chest.

“Okay” I muttered

Closing the bathroom door behind me, I watched my reflection in the mirror Aunt and uncle are leaving which means we will be left alone in the house, Me and him.

As I changed out of my clothes into a new one, Jawad is nowhere to be seen. As if  Speaking of him, he popped  his head through the door making my heart skips a bit.

“Come down mom and dad are leaving” just one sentence and he closed the door leaving me to my thoughts.

After bidding them farewell I felt alone. I wished they stayed for a while but uncle has some work so they can't stay longer.

**

I was sitting in the living having nothing to do, and jawad was busy with work. He's such a workaholic. My mind wandered to all the event, should I have not agreed to this marriage, even after hearing jawad bitter confession, I still had hope. Even if he had his reason for which I didn't know about, he will at least respect me, or maybe that is what I think. I tried assuring myself that it's too early to regret my decision. We just got married yesterday. I made my way to the kitchen to help Aunt Fatima so that I can take off my mind from unnecessary thinking but upon reaching the kitchen Aunt was already through with her work, the remaining work is to just wash the plates that was being used in the morning.

“Aunt Fatima let me help” I began readjusting my veil.

“No it's okay Farah, I'm almost through, the plates are not much.” she explained offering me a smile.

“I insist, besides I love working in the kitchen” a smile made it way out of my lips, remembering how I used to help mom during the weekends while Yasmin will be either watching movies or doing something else. I really miss them.

“Farah” I heard Aunt faint voice, getting me out of my trance.

“Yes Aunt, please let me” I pleaded. she let out a sigh.

“Okay since you insist, I will let you but just for today” I chuckle at her words. I know that isn't happening, I will help her in any possible way.

After I'm done washing the plates, placing them in their rightful place, i decided to explore around. Climbing upstair, I look left and right deciding which side to start and my mind lead me to the right side.

I walked through the hall admiring the surrounding with wallpapers hung on the large wall with Arabic writings on them, each with its own meaning. I came across a door 'library' written on it, a smile made its way to my lips. Reading book is my second hobby. I love reading because it makes me forget all my worries. holding the knob, I pulled it open, my mouth hung open seeing the huge room filled with bunch of books. I closed the door quietly behind me, walking slowly through the shelf each shelf were numbered. It seems like it's been long since they last use the library by how dusty it looked.

My mouth forms a thin line this will be my resting place. Not knowing that by entering this room I've gotten myself into trouble.

There are lot of books to choose from. My eyes catches one with the name 'The shy girl: A Muslim story' I flipped open the front page reading through, the book seems interesting. Keeping it aside, I scan through other books, coming across one with Jawad written boldly on the cover. it looked like a diary. Curiosity got me and I find myself turning over the first page Jawad mustafa written on the first page, my brows furrowed in confusion. Why is it jawad Mustafa instead of jawad Abdallah I was about to open the next page when a loud noise resonate through the room making me flinch back in surprise. My eyes met with an angry one. At that moment I knew I was in  big trouble.

•••