The Pregnancy

(Lydia)

Tears spilled down my cheeks unbidden as I watched him walk away, arm-in-arm with the woman who stole him from me.

My heart was broken. I was left to pick up the shattered pieces of my once blissful life. My husband was a soulless stranger, the other half of my heart irretrievably lost. I could only pray that one day, the gaping wound he left will begin to heal over.

Until then, I would go through the motions, forcing myself to move forward into a harsh new reality.

A cold, unrelenting world where the warmth of Thomas's embrace was but a distant, rapidly fading memory.

***

“Albert, no!” my mother had screamed as my father hurled a fist into her eye. She had been screaming and crying. And is that the house that I had grown up in. My little sister, Ruby, would hide behind me. I would watch from the top of the stairs as a child. When I grew a little bit older, I began to fight.

At first, Mama was grateful for the help. But, over time, I began to feel her resentment.

It pierced through me like a sword.

I never understood why.

My father hurled a big one at my face too. It was right after my freshman year at college. I packed up my bags and left, tears streaking the subway window that I had rested my head against.

“You’ll never make it on your own in this world!” he had yelled before I walked down the pavement from his house.

It was Thomas’s arms that I crashed into then I was shaken and sobbed.

“It’s okay,” he had murmured into my hair, as he caressed the back of my head and held me in his arms.

“I will always love, revere, and be there for you Lydia,” he had said, holding my tears streaked face in his palms.

At that time, he’d been my boyfriend for a year.

When we had graduated, Thomas had taken me home.

“We’re getting married!” he had exclaimed to his mother.

“If you’re going to be my daughter-in-law,” she had said to me through her exacting stare, “I want you to give up these silly performances.”

She had put a hand on my shoulder, a diamond glinting on her finger, and said, “You should befit the privilege of being the wife of my son.”

I had been happy to give my acting dream for Thomas. He meant the whole world to me.

“I do” I had said, beaming before him in a lawn by a lake. The sky above us had been blue and sunny. Our wedding cake had fifteen layers. I had worn a strapless white gown covered in lace and with a train that stretched all the way to the aisle.

And then the princess-cut diamond shone on my finger.

We’d flown to Paris on the very same day and spent the whole night moaning in ecstasy. His body had felt warm and comforting against mine.

I had climbed out onto the balcony the following day, still draped in sheets, and welcomed my new life with open arms.

“Welcome back!” Sarah had spread her arms out at us when we had returned to Denver. She had arranged a dinner for us.

But Thomas and I had stolen glances at one another, barely touching our food at all, and eager to return to the bedroom.

And then I moved into his house. As Mrs. Lombardi, I had redecorated the mansion: all white and gold with crystal décor.

“Surprise!” I had cheered when Thomas returned home as soon as the new decor had been set up.

He had looked around for barely a second before he had swooped me up into his arms. I had belly-laughed as he had said, “It’s beautiful but not quite as much as you,” and carried me back into our bedroom.

I had been the happiest in my life.

***

“Love, revere, and be there for you,” I murmured now, his voice echoing in my head, and only sadness embracing me.

At the table, the apple pie and lasagna that I’d so lovingly cooked for him had grown cold.

I tried to get up from the floor so that I could put it away, dashing my hopes as I did so. But, all of a sudden, I felt sick.

I ran towards the bathroom and lurched.

Oh, no, no, I thought, Please don’t be! I scrambled across my bedroom to the dresser drawer and hastily scoured for it. Tylenol … Cough drops … ah, there it was: the home pregnancy test.

I went inside the bathroom and waited. Two red stripes appeared on it in the hazy bathroom light. “That’s impossible!” I exclaimed, and fished for a second one from the box. Ten minutes later, it still showed two strips.

Third time’s the charm, I thought. But the results didn’t change.

***

“I would love to have a baby with you,” Thomas had said, nuzzling his nose against mine. “I want it to have your red locks,” he had tucked a stray strand behind my ear and leaned in to nibble my lip.

We had been trying to conceive before the accident and had both been delighted at the idea of the pitter patter of tiny feet across the floor. But, month after month, like clockwork, my period had arrived.

And every time it did, Thomas would hold me close and I would breathe in his pheromones as I cried myself to sleep in his arms. Sometimes, I had suspected he was crying too.

My mother in law had once seen me red-eyed when she had come over for brunch the morning after.

“Oh, please,” she had murmured softly as she sipped a cup of black tea from my painted china teacup, “What could you possibly have to be upset about?”

I sniffled and turned away. She had only gone on to say, “Honey, you were a struggling actress with no future when my son rescued you from a lifetime of scrubbing tables. Everything that you have now is inordinately good for you.”

And, maybe, a small part of me had believed her.

***

Ahead of the mirror in my bathroom, I started to uncontrollably shake. I simply couldn’t wrap my head around the idea that I was about to bear my ex-husband’s child.

I had never been able to reconcile with how Thomas’s warm love could have so swiftly turned into spite and loathing. There would be no way he would ever accept the child as his own.

Imagining the words “not mine” spewing from his lips when he learned about my condition was enough to make me feel sick again.

I bent down double over the sink and retched. Slowly, bracing myself against the sink, I rose again.

I looked inquisitively at the girl in the mirror, wondering if she might have any answers for how I was supposed to handle this. And then my father’s last words to me echoed in my head, “You’ll never make it out there alone!”

I washed up and dried my face. It was time to stop crying.

The Imposer

(Lydia)

When I stepped back into the bedroom, I jerked. Sarah was standing there. She eyed me closely and inquisitively.

“Are you pregnant?” she asked.

My face went pale.

“No … no, not at all,” I bumbled. I didn’t want even Thomas to know, let alone this ungrateful snake.

Sarah’s eyes hardened into steel.

“I’m going to murder both you and that stupid sister of yours if you are!” she frothed.

I clenched my fist at the fact that she’d brought Ruby into this, but then caught an inkling of fear on her face.

She was trembling.

Seeing her face turn white made me feel a little bit better.

I was about to talk back to her but realized that I now had a baby to think of. As a mother, I could not be petty.

A mother … The thought inspired a clandestine delight inside me.

“Why are you back?” I asked her instead. I eyed her hairstyle, a braided ponytail – it was exactly how I used to do it.

This way, I had said to her, twisting a lock of her yellow hair into the intricate plait that I had made.

“Thank you for teaching me!” Sarah had said, “Now I’ll look just like you!”

How had I missed the signs? She had always wanted everything that I had.

And she had snatched it all away, I thought.

Thomas appeared in the doorway behind her. He was holding up a box.

“Your things,” he said flatly.

“Just put them on the table,” I said quietly, “And then, could the two of you please leave?”

Thomas set the box on the floor. Sarah grabbed his forearm as they made their way out for the second time today.

***

I had known them both since university but I had always been a bit of an outsider to them; I wasn’t as wealthy as either of these two.

Thomas and Sarah had always been close, having known one another throughout their childhoods.

But when Thomas began courting me, the three of us became inseparable.

Sarah had been like a sister to me; she would follow me around everywhere and emulate everything that I did, wore, and said.

Sarah had been there when I had first gotten drunk; she had held my hair as I threw up and she had practiced plays with me as I pursued my degree in theater at Western Illinois. We would get matching outfits and parade around bars on the weekend.

Now, Sarah threatened me and my sister’s safety just to be with Thomas?

I don’t know how long Sarah had had an eye on Thomas, but when I had woken up from the coma, she stopped pretending.

“You know how much I loved him!” I had squealed, my eyes streaming with tears that I made no attempt to wipe off.

“Oh, Lydia, you were never good enough for Thomas,” she had said, sipping my favorite peach iced-tea that I knew she didn’t even like, “Him and I were always meant to be.”

The two of them had ripped my heart to pieces – Thomas with his betrayal and Sarah with that of her own. It astonished me that she could have done something like this but, perhaps, I had always known.

I had ignored my intuition.

And, now, he was going to marry her.

***

“Christ, can’t he at least get a new ring?” Ruby exclaimed with untrammeled exasperation. She was folding the laundry away and I was sipping a cup of hot tea, having just told her what had happened.

Ruby had arrived yesterday after I had called and told her that I was pregnant. She was calling herself “the caretaker regime”.

Now, she shot a glance in my direction and then walked up to and put her arms around me, “Lydia,” she said softly, “I know you loved the man. But if he had truly loved you as deeply as you did him, he would have remembered everything by now.”

“I know,” I whispered.

“I’ve been doing some research and amnesia isn’t supposed to last for that long. What if he and Sarah were secretly having an affair the whole time?”

“Ruby!” I growled, wounded. I clenched the mug.

“Okay, I’m sorry!” she raised her brows, “I won’t bring it up again.”

She returned to the laundry basket and began folding away the last of the clothes.

“I still think he loves me,” I admitted, “Why else would he have come here yesterday?”

Ruby didn’t say a word but passed me a scolding look before heading off into her bedroom. I crossed the living room to the window overlooking the city and watched the sun set again.

I resented Thomas’s mother for not allowing me to act. But after I had quit my theater auditions, I had made myself useful volunteering in community projects and setting up scholarship funds for students. Thomas had been supportive of me the whole time.

He had always so intently cheered me on and the joy was enough to make my heart burst. All of this only made it impossible to let him go when I lost him to amnesia.

Thomas was forever on my mind, or as I liked to think of it, etched into the creases of my heart.

The thought of it now made me shudder.

I would no longer think of him that way. I begged and cried. I had bent over backwards trying to remind him of our love and he had only responded with cold indifference.

When my children arrived in this world, I wouldn’t have time to think about Thomas. My sole focus would be on them: providing for, loving, and nurturing them.

I didn’t want my children to grow up in the same kind of household as myself. I would never neglect them. I would never be the kind of mother who was always staring out of the window in a dimly lit room and cursing her life.

I wanted to give them the joy they deserved.

Thinking of this gave me strength; the strength that I’d been looking for all this time.

A New Life

(Lydia)

It had been difficult for me to afford a life in Denver so I had packed my bags and moved to Welby.

Ruby marched beside me in the hospital corridor. We had spent the last few weeks discussing how we would raise the children. Ruby wanted to chip in but, thankfully, I could put my alimony to good use.

I had been saving it all this time. I would spend it lavishly on my children.

Children, yes. The ultrasound from three months ago had told us that I was having twins: a little girl and a little boy.

“I’m going to spoil them,” Ruby had shrugged as she knitted their rompers and mittens.

“For the baby girl, I’ve made them all in pink and lilac,” she told me, “And for the baby boy, everything is blue and yellow.”

I had looked on adoringly at her.

“You’re so warm and full of love,” I whispered.

Her presence inspired so much gratitude: my sister had been a steady pillar throughout my pregnancy as she accompanied me to routine check-ups, fed me bread and bone broth, and signed me up for yoga classes. I had no idea how I would have handled this alone.

“I want you to be strong!” she had said when I had expressed my appreciation, “I want you to remember who you are on the inside!”

I had thought of Thomas a lot during the months leading up to the birth but I had, thankfully, never dialed him. When Ruby became the voice of reason, it became clear to me that perhaps Thomas truly did not want anything to do with me ever again. He had made that abundantly clear. I needed to stop reading into every single one of his words and actions and, instead, take what he had done for face value: divorced me and proposed to my best friend.

***

When Miles and Mabel graced this world with their golden warm laughter and bright blue eyes, I felt happy for the first time since my divorce.

And then, of course, Adam showed up. Adam had been my friend in highschool. We had become estranged since I moved to Illinois for college but I had reconnected with him on F******k again and was surprised to learn that he was in the city.

“Have coffee with me!” his message had read, “You’re only two blocks down from me!”

Adam was a pediatrician in the local hospital so I thought it would be a good idea to stay in touch with him … of course, for Mabel and Miles.

But, at coffee, when I had told him everything, I had – once more – broken down.

He had not said a single word and instead moved up to sit beside me. He had held my shoulder and hand and waited patiently as I cried.

“It’s okay,” he said quietly to me. Later, he walked me home.

“Gorgeous smile,” Ruby had commented when she had briefly met him then. I had only half-smiled. Adam was a wonderful man and his presence brought me calm and peace but, for some reason, I could not allow myself to give in to … whatever it was that he was offering.

Time only went on to show, however, that Adam’s sole agenda was to show up for me. He helped Ruby feed and clothe the children as I rested in the first month after the delivery.

And then, he brought them baby books and toys.

I had always been very protective of the twins and cared deeply about the environment that they were raised in. But Adam had only ever extended a helping hand to Ruby and I for three years.

“Wonderful!” he had cheered when Miles first recited the alphabet song in full.

“That’s amazing!” he had exclaimed when Mabel learned to walk.

Over time, he had become an uncle to my children.

In the meantime, I had started going to therapy. That had put a long overdue trammel to the listlessness, helplessness, and tears. That had also been the last of my reminiscences of my marriage.

One morning, as I returned home from a run, several pounds lighter than before both in my physique as well as in my mind, my phone chimed. It was Adam.

MS. DAPHNE’S SCHOOL FOR THEATRE

JOB OPPORTUNITY: ACTING TEACHER FOR YOUNG ADULTS

TIMINGS: 12 P.M. to 3 P.M. MONDAY TO THURSDAY

207 NORTH AVENUE, PERK LANE, WELBY

***

I loved returning to theater and playing Meisner, Stanislavski, and Chekhov to young adults. It was starting to seem that my life was returning to purpose again.

Miles pounced on me when I returned home. The twins had only just begun to walk and battled each other over a teddy bear I had bought them.

“Cannie!” Mabel exclaimed, extending her palms in a demanding gesture.

“You’ve already had enough candy!” said Ruby, darting towards Mabel and swooping her up in arms.

“More cannie!” Mabel exclaimed and Ruby burst out laughing.

“How was your day?” Ruby asked as I hung my keys up by the door.

“Pretty good,” I told her, “What’s for lunch?”

“There’s pot roast in the oven,” she said, and darted into her bedroom to grab her purse. “I’m late for work. Lock the door behind me?”

Adam showed up a couple of hours later … with a bag full of chocolate for the kids.

“Stop spoiling them!” I exclaimed with exasperated laughter.

“I’m not!” he held his palms up, “I’m just helpless when it comes to those two.”

He nuzzled his nose against Miles, who in turn held up a chocolate bar for Adam to unwrap.

“You should start auditioning again,” said Adam. The plastic wrap crinkled in his hands.

“Me? Really?” I asked.

“Of course!” he replied, “In fact, I’m pretty sure there’s some traveling theater company coming to Welby next week. Wait, let me get the details.”

He fished his phone out of his pocket and swiped until he reached the page.

“Here, see. Giovanni’s theater is coming to Welby. Apparently, they’re very well-renowned.”

“But then, why would they ever want to come to Welby?” I asked.

“Maybe the Gods want you to perform again!”

I shook my head, “I gave that dream up a long time ago.”

Adam got up and crossed over the living room to sit down next to me, “Might I ask why, Lydia?” he asked, his voice resounding with genuine concern.

I stared deep into his green eyes and realized, for the first time, that he truly cared for me. The epiphany startled me. I broke away from his gaze and instead turned towards the floor. The rug was a tapestry of vivid colors woven into one another. He allowed the quiet to settle.

Twenty minutes later, Adam still watched and I had not yet come up with a single reason for why I should not pursue my long-lost dream.

It made no sense to throw away the person who I had wanted to become simply because my self-esteem had suffered a blow from a failed marriage.

When I finally found my voice again, I returned into his emerald eyes and confirmed that I would audition.

***

I had enjoyed working at Ms. Daphne’s but Giovanni’s was far more fun. Rather than just simply teaching acting to young adults, I was now playing out characters.

The only downside was that it wasn’t full-time work. Once every three or four weeks, I would participate in a play. Adam and Ruby would have front row seats. Pride and admiration shone from their eyes and radiated from their smiles. I was starting to feel happy again.

The gigs that I was getting were small but fulfilling. I had not gotten a lead role yet but secretly longed for a chance. I could do a much better job than the other actors. I was just hoping the producers would realize that soon.

Then, one day, I was pacing around the living room memorizing my dialogues for an upcoming play.

“Here is the scroll of every man's name which is thought fit …” I mumbled, trying to recall the next few words. “Athens … Athens …” I murmured now, remembering that it had something to do with the city.

The phone rang. I jerked and glanced at the wall-clock. It was 5pm, Adam would still be at work and Ruby had taken the children to the park.

The caller ID showed an unknown number.

“Hello!” chirped a man’s voice when I picked up, “Is this Lydia Lombardi?”

I still hadn’t changed my last name.

“Yes …” I replied, hesitantly.

“Well, here’s the thing …” he said. The man, Ronald Pike, was a producer at the theater and he was calling to let me know that the lead actress on one of their main plays had dropped out due to some unfortunate incident and they were hoping that I could replace her.

“Of course I’d replace her!,” I thought smugly to myself. And then, to him, I replied with barely restrained joy, “I’d be very pleased to accept the position.”

“That’s absolutely wonderful,” he said. I could hear some stage set up noises in the background and I imagined that the setup staff must be running around.

“There’s one thing that you should know, though,” Ronald continued, “This is going to be a traveling theater event, so–”

“I don’t have any reservations against that!” I said quickly. I did not want to let this opportunity go.

“Great!” said Ronald, “The first stop’s at Denver.”

Denver? I thought. And, suddenly, memories came flooding back.